Wednesday, April 18, 2007

I am tired of myself

When is the jealousy going to end? I just looked at photos of my cousin and her daughter on my family's website. All I could think was: my cousin looks fat - good, I hope she doesn't lose the weight... the baby looks like she's crying - good, I hope she's a cryer... what an ugly dog... the baby's face looks all squishy, not like my perfect boy's face... I can't believe they live with her parents...

Etc. etc.

I hate my stupid jealousy. It's just so boring to be so twisted and disgusting all the time.

3 comments:

Julia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Julia said...

Hi Delphi,

Thank you for your comments on my blog. It is disheartening to realize how many of us are out there. But it helps to see those who have been walking on this road for longer. One thing I have discovered pretty early on is that this grief thing is very nonlinear and that being "past" something, therefore, has very little meaning. The emotions are real, and therefore it's useless to deny them (thanks for liking my title and the song :)). It's what we do with our emotions that counts, and I think you are doing a kick-ass job.

Monica said...

I'm so glad I found the blog directory and your blog. I'm in desperate need of success stories. I'm in a support group and only two of us are pregnant. I'm the first to deliver (by induction at 38 weeks sometime at the end of September). I don't think you are petty for your thoughts. I think it is a way to cope with the fact that we have had such a tremendous loss and we need to know that everyone else is not perfect. I know I could not live if I thought that I was the only person bad things happened to. As long as they are harmless (in other words you aren't truly happy when awful things happen), I don't think there is anything wrong with it.