Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Type A

I feel like I am directionless. I have no goals. Sure, I dream of a perfectly clean and tidy house, with precooked meals in the freezer and all the laundry neatly stacked in drawers. Who doesn't? But those things don't happen and they certainly couldn't be considered life goals.

That is what I feel is lacking. Direction. We have some random purchases that we have talked about making in the near future (we need a new car seat, for example). We have booked an RV site for July. Also not life goals.

Through the course of my life with my husband, we have always had direction. We were getting to know each other. Then we were getting married. Then we were trying to have children. Then anticipating the birth of our first child. Then trying to survive tragedy and cope with trying to get pregnant again. Then waiting those agonizing months to bring home our perfect little boy. Then learning to become parents.

Now that we have settled into a groove, I wonder what our direction is. Or, perhaps more to the point, what my direction is.

I work a job that is okay (as far as jobs go), but that I would not cry tears over losing. Perhaps it would feel a little less random if we had some financial goals that we were working for. When I got up in the morning and got ready for work, I could remind myself that it is worth it because it will allow us to do _________.

Personally, I am without any real direction. I just finished my degree. Now what? I don't do anything with it. I have no plans to do anything with it. The subject matter is the passion of my life, but I have no plans to continue my study. What is the point of it?

Maybe this is all just mid-February blues. I think not, though. I think I need to get my feet under me and set some more goals. And I think that this need is a sign of maturity in my grief; a desire to plan for the future is something that I am just getting back, three years later.

How do you set goals in your family? Do you talk it over with your spouse? Do you struggle to find common goals? Are you a "goals" person at all?


Julia said...

I certainly am not back to making any sort of long-range plans yet.
But I was wondering about your degree. Are you not planning to do anything with it because of your financial situation? Is it simply not practical to pursue a career in this field right now? If yes, maybe that can be your long-term plan-- become financially secure enough that you can follow your passion. Is that feasible? Or am I talking right out of my ass?

delphi said...

I dunno, Julia. Maybe because it was never meant to be a serious career, I haven't given it the serious consideration that it deserves. Maybe I am afraid that it would lose all of its appeal if it became my 9-5. I just don't know (grass is greener syndrome). Maybe I need to do some real soul searching on that topic...