In an email today I made this admission:
I have started telling strangers that BB is my only child.
How sucky does that feel?
In January of 2005, my son C. died. Then he was born. These are the 8 million pieces of my life, as I pick them up,one by one.
And now, featuring the addition of our second beautiful child, BB and his lovely sister E.
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6 comments:
We have enough sucky guilt in all this. I say we all have permission to do whatever it takes to get us to the end of the day. Joseph is sacred with me. I don't choose to share him with everyone. And I find myself not correcting people when they say I have 2 children. Actually...when asked I say I have 2. I know he understands.
~Carole
Thats ok. Do what you have to do. If it bothers you too much, you can always go back to telling about him. You can always do the thing I do sometimes when my students ask me. I tell them I have one child, then to myself I say, "and one angel".
This must feel terrible in the knowledge that it shouldn't have been this way. But I do hope you are not guilting yourself over choosing to answer this way. Some people can't be trusted with the memory of the sacred, and it is your right to pick only those who can be.
At the moment whenever I'm asked, "is this your first", I usually answer a variation of "no" or "no, my first son died". But I never mention A. and always feel guilty about that.
it is ok, and it does suck.
i never include Nicolas anymore, when strangers ask. It is just easier not to.
Thank you for the moral support - it feels good to have you all agree that C's memory is sacred and that it just isn't worth my pain to deal with the usually stunned responses.
I don't feel guilty and I am not making apologies. It just sucks. You know?
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