I have an almost unbearable jealousy for all people who "keep" their first baby. As in, that ugly green monster that lives in the recesses of my gut is clawing at me, trying to tear his way out and do irreparable damage to those around me.
In the past year, three of my cousins have had their first babies. I can barely stand to be in the same room as someone who is talking about these babies. It eats at me whenever I think of it.
I just want the jealousy to leave me alone. I am tired of it. It isn't fun to feel this way. And there are only more first children coming in my future; that's life.
Up until this point, I have allowed room for my jealousy. A normal part of grief, I rationalized. Understandable, I thought. But I am tired of it!!!
I know that we need to accept and embrace our emotions, etc. etc. yadda yadda. But doesn't there come a point in time when we need to let go of what hurts us and re-enter normal life? Is that totally impossible to do? Do I have to accept that I am damaged beyond any hope of repair? Do I have to accept this is my new reality? I know that it isn't possible to turn back time to the point where I didn't have this horrible envy. But shouldn't there be some way for me to heal enough?
Do you have any suggestions? Have you stumbled across anything that makes your equivalent hurt easier to deal with? What can I do with this emotion that I don't want and I want to get rid of?
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4 comments:
Oh my gosh, D, I could have written this post. I am so, so sick of the jealousy...it's wearing me out. I thought that after Ben was born, I'd be able to hear about people's first pregnancies/babies again. I can't. It still makes me sick and angry, too. I am so, so tired. I want to go on so much, but I'm having a terrible time with that. Big hugs :) You're not alone on this one, my friend.
I don't now how to get rid of it. I think I've tried to sell myself that it is a part of me but instead of it being ugly it's the part of me that is a parent to my son. Boy, that sounds much more logical in my head then it does written out.
This hits home with me, too. The passage of time doesn't seem to make a dent the amount of jealousy I feel at hearing about the "happy ending" first pregnancy. My only coping mechanism has been to accept my feelings and not try to be too hard on myself about them. Knowing that I'm not alone is a solace, as well (which is why this blogoshpere has been a godsend over the years). Sometimes, I wish there were a pill we could all take to make these feelings go away.
I've tried to accept the fact that there are some hurts that will never heal and that I'm doing the best that I can. It doesn't work all that well, though.
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