Monday, September 17, 2007

More loss for my family

My favourite cousin (paternal side) and his wife (SAHM) had an ultrasound on Friday that told them she was carrying twins. Saturday she miscarried them. She was around 10-12 wks. I just feel sick about the whole thing.

Firstly, I know the anguish they must be feeling. Her two previous pregnancies were fraught with pre-term labour angst. Their youngest (my shadow child for C., a month older than he would have been) has struggled with major breathing problems and has been hospitalized frequently. I know that my cousin was reluctant to try another pregnancy, but his wife was determined. I guess I can't blame her - I know what it is like to feel like your family is incomplete. I also understand his point of view - he likely felt like they were pushing their luck.

Secondly, as soon as the line turned pink, there was a message for all to see on Facebook. Every single one of her over 150 "Friends" would have read her status that she was "excited to be expecting their 3rd child." So now she has to somehow un-tell all of those people (plus anyone she told IRL). She either deleted or locked her profile instead. I certainly know why she did that. I wouldn't want to un-tell 150 people, most of them passing acquaintances or people from high school.

Thirdly, I am certain that both of their kids knew that Mommy had a baby in her tummy. They maybe even knew that they were expecting two babies. Now they face the horrible task of trying to make a 2.75 year old and 4 year old understand that they aren't going to have any new babies in the house.

Finally, my cousin's brother and his wife are expecting their first child. The brothers were really excited that their children were due in the same week. Cousins almost exactly the same age! Now the younger brother will probably bring home a baby from the hospital that week, while the older brother thinks of the babies that should also be there. Another shadow child for our family.

I tried calling my cousin's wife this afternoon, but there was no answer. We aren't really close, but we get on well enough when we are at family gatherings. I was going to offer to send her my collection of pregnancy loss books. I don't know if she wasn't home or didn't want to talk to me. I am a talker; some people don't want to "talk about it".

So I feel like I am caught - knowing that there is nothing to be done, but desperately wanting to do something. This is the first loss in my generation of our family since C. died. My cousin and I were once as close as two cousins possibly could be. Time, teen angst, and the boy/girl interest gap changed that, but I still love him as much as I did when I was 7 or 8 years old. I want to help him and his family if I can. I know that sending books in the mail isn't going to make anything better, but it would feel like I have done the very little that I could.

I hate this sh*t.


Julia said...

Oh, this sucks. I am sorry.
There is not much to do, and that is so hard. Do you think it would be appropriate to email your cousin to see if they would like the books?

Aurelia said...

Email her with condolences and what Julia said.

And then call her, but don't say anything much unless she raises it. and keep calling her, because I'm thinking that all those Facebook people are going to avoid her like the plague.

Not because it's her fault, but because the average person is totally uncomfortable. Anyway, all you can do is to be there for her, right?

Ruby said...

I'm so sorry.

Lori said...

Oh... this more than sucks. I am so sorry. It is always appropriate to reach out in some written form with condolences. Leave the door open that you are there for them in anyway that they might need. If you don't hear from them, wait a few weeks, and then write again to let them know you are thinking of them. That's all you can do.

I started bleeding with my twins at 11 weeks and thought I was miscarrying (though I wasn't). We had just told our boys, literally the day before. It felt horrible to think we were now going to have to "un-tell" them. My heart goes out to your cousin, his family, and to you.

froggy mommy said...

I'm sorry for your family's loss.

Rosepetal said...

I'm sorry. I would just send the books with a note and then call her and leave a message if she doesn't pick up saying that you're sorry.

msfitzita said...

I'm so, so sorry to hear about your cousin's loss. It sounds all too familiar to me and I'm so very, very sorry that someone else is going through it all too.

I agree with what everyone has said - just let them know you're there and that you care. That's all I ever wanted from anyone, and the people that did reach out to us over these past four years are the people I will be forever indebted to, and to whom I owe more than I can ever repay.