I am struck by the fact that I am a mother. Which is entirely bizarre, since I have spent the past two years staking my claim to that title. Obviously, parenting a living child is a whole different experience.
One sensation that I don't like very much is this feeling that I have of moving away from C. I don't want that. But I do acknowledge that my focus is, and has to be, on BB. And the realization is dawning on me that we are solely responsible for BB as his parents. We make decisions about and for him, and will for the remainder of his childhood. The magnitude of that undertaking is astounding. Especially compared to our previous parenting experience: plan a funeral, choose a headstone, and then look for other ways to memorialize. Really, what I am doing right now is responding to BB's needs. Perhaps as he becomes slightly more independent, I will figure out how to balance the needs of both my boys.
I do not feel as though I am in over my head. More like I was slightly unprepared, mentally, to mother a living child. I didn't allow myself to think that far ahead. So it is a little shocking now. But I am getting used to it.
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I remember when my girlfriend and I were sitting in her living room, both nursing our new little ones and she said, "I wish someone had told me..." It was then that we both realized people DID tell us...we just didn't hear it because we didn't have a frame of reference. It is one thing to mentally comprehend...but it is another to live it (an experience that is not so different from the dead baby one in that regard).
Welcome to (living child) motherhood!
What catherine said! And yeah, as the demands of the newborn BB slowly become less onerous, you will be able to better balance the needs of both. This is the same thing that would happen if C. were alive, you know.
I have been away and am catching up. First, BB sounds like Boobie.
Second, it sounds great that you do not feel in over your head!
I had typed a whole bunch of other stuff here, but I read it over and it sounded like crap so I decided against it!
By the way, the Boobie comment was a reference to your previous post.... I meant it as irony. Okay I will shut up now.
That's how I felt. It was hard to explain at the time and I'm sure I came off as a little crazy, but you get it now. I really don't like the feeling of Julian being forgotten now that Natalie's here. It's hard to reconcile that with her day to day needs. Anyway, hang in there, I know you're doing a great job. The first 6 weeks are the hardest, and at 3 months, you'll feel like an expert!
P.S. I am completely pro-pacifier. It saved us in the first 6 months, although now we are trying to wean...
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