Tuesday, December 19, 2006

"Are you excited?"

It seems that this is the question of the week. "How much longer? Are you getting excited?"

I doubt that I have to explain to you, my bloggy comrades-in-arms, how far excited is from the right word. There is so much fear and hope intertwined in what we are doing here - this subsequent pregnancy. The word excited applied to the blissfully naive as they approach the end of their pregnancies. It is way out of context for me.

The word excited does not apply when I spend my days flipping between terror that something horrible has happened, then relief when I feel movement. When every little pain or ache means the worst in my mind. When I have to survive my second Christmas without my son. When I have to mark his second birthday, baking cupcakes to take to the cemetery. All at the same time as trying to be positive that I will never again walk into labour and delivery and have my doctor say "I'm sorry."

Nope. Excited is most certainly NOT the right word.

I don't think there is a word to accurately describe my emotions. Life is too complicated for that.


Thank you for all the support re: my weekend non-trip to the hospital. I suppose I should have just gone. It is so hard to know the right thing to do. But I am promising here, right now, that if I ever get feeling that way again, I will go.

Rosepetal asked what will be the conditions that will lead to induction - basically, I understand that it is lung maturity. My OB doesn't want to induce early, since the drugs can cause extra stress for the Babe's heart (a concern with the arrhythmia). So he is probably going to let me go until 37 weeks, hoping that labour starts on its own before that. Then he will induce. 37 weeks is term, so he won't worry about lung maturity at that point. However, I am trying not to set my heart at that date, since I have heard so many people's stories of OBs that changed their minds about inductions at the last moment. In the mean time, I am going to hope that labour comes any time after Jan. 1.


Rosepetal said...

Duh, of course, lung maturity. (picture me slapping my forehead with the heel of my palm). You have never mentioned it so I am assuming you're not having steroid injections for lung maturity.

OBs change their minds at the last moment? That is ridiculous unless it's based on a medical reason.

You're on the home stretch. I'm so looking forward to hearing about the Babe's birth and how loudly s/he screamed. Thinking of you.

kate said...

For our hospital, 38 weeks is considered 'term', and they won't induce you before that without an amnio for lung maturity. Would they do an amnio for you at 37 wks, or would they just go for it?

'excited', eh? Dumb people. Whatever. I wish we could be pregnant without being exposed to all these well-meaning idiotic comments from the peanut gallery....

whatthef*ck said...

hey i 've been meaning to apologize for suggesting that you keep yourself busy with the likes of "six feet under" or the sopranos. six feet under? what a jackass i am. i realize that suggestion may have been abhorrent to you and i am sorry for that. i generally don't mind that show because i find it cathartic and it's somebody else's tragedy that isn't even real. but i don't know how you took it and i am sorry if it seemed stupid and insensitive.

hang in there. i cant wait to hear about your baby's birth.

aussie kate said...

yeah, I bet there are 1000s of other words that are more fitting to your state of mind than 'excited'.

I hope that the 'festive period' passes peacefully and healthily for you, and with thoughts of C very close to your heart.

delphi said...

WTF- no offense taken! I actually do watch shows like that - "Dead Like Me" is something like that. I am somewhat drawn to the macabre, in a way I wasn't before.

Kate - they won't do an amnio at 37 weeks. They consider it term. Funny how standards differ, huh?

Rosepetal - nope, no steroids here (unless you count the cortisone for hemorrhoids).

aussie kate - how are YOU doing? We need to email!