Monday, December 18, 2006

Happy? Sad. Happy? Sad.

Mood swings. Between utter joy and utter terror. The terror and anxiety seem to be winning the battle (hopefully not the war).

Friday/Saturday was horrible. Post-NST (where I was a little annoyed with the attending nurse who sent me home with what I considered to be below-average reactivity), I went home to sleep and have a snack. The Babe must have decided to have a lazy day, because the times where s/he is usually most active were quiet. All evening. There was movement, but not to the strength or frequency that I was used to. Saturday morning was the same. I actually got up in the night, drank orange juice, and laid down again in complete terror. Until I got some wimpy little kicks.

Movement never trailed off to the point that I went to the hospital. What would I have said, anyways, that the baby is moving, but not to schedule? They would have admitted me and given me another NST, but it seemed overly neurotic. When to go, when to try and ride out the anxiety? What will I live to regret?

Sunday brought us normal activity at normal times at normal strength. I don't know how I can live through the next few weeks, if this continues! The stress level is through the roof and I feel like crying half the time. Then I am snarky with my husband, who is just trying to keep me sane and the household running, and who is dealing with just as much stress as I am. I am actually looking forward to my mother's arrival for the Christmas weekend (which, considering our poor relationship in the past, it pretty telling that I want my mommy).

Are you as confused as I am with my mood swings. Happy sappy post. Over dramatic emotional post. Back and forth.

I just wish that there was some way that my GP or OB could set an induction date and I could actually tick off the days. But, as they always say, as soon as the Babe is ready. And s/he is the only one in control of that.


kate said...

I would have gone to the hospital and, yes, said 'low movement', or even 'no movement' (a little overstatement never hurt). When i was where you are (gestationally) with Chloe, i did this a few times -- when she did not perform as expected on her kick counts etc. Of course they treat you like a neurotic because they don't know your history, but you can always play the 'dead baby card'.

The holidays really don't help the situation any, do they? Sending you (((((((hugs))))))

Catherine said...

Yep. I agree with Kate. Who cares what someone else thinks? Go in and tell them straight out about the "dead baby card." This is no time to worry about anyone but yourself. {{{hugs}}}

And the husbands are used to it. Just ask mine. lol

Aussie Kate said...

huge ((((hugs)))) to you with all your are coping with, the days and nights must seem like an eternity!!! I'm with the others - any time you feel the need, you waddle off to the hospital to get checked out and reassured.

I'll be thinking of you, dh, C and the Babe this holidays, I hope its as low stress as it can be, and that 2007 brings you all you hope for.

Rosepetal said...

By God, of course the stress level is through the roof. Where else would it be?

I guess you are still keeping your kick count chart, does it objectively show any slowdown? I agree with the others, if you have the slightest doubt (subjective or objective) then off to the hospital with you. It doesn't matter whether it is day or night. You will NEVER regret going to the hospital to find out that everything is okay. Do you know how many really neurotic people there are out there, ones who have NOT been through even a small part of what you have been through?

Sorry, all that sounded rather preachy, I didn't mean it to. All fingers and toes crossed for the short time left until you can scream for induction. What are the factors that indicate that the Babe is ready? Is it his / her weight or are there other factors?


BethGo said...

You are not being neurotic at all.
This is your pregnancy, your baby.
Trust your instincts and do what you feel is right.

rach said...

Amen, my sister, Amen.

I am right there with you.