I am feeling very blah and irritable today. I guess I am expecting too much of myself to think that I would feel any differently.
My family has been here since the 22nd. It has been quite good, generally. I am on a sort of modified bedrest, as I have been having Braxton Hicks at a little too regular intervals. However, I would NEVER tell my family that, because my parents would both freak. As it is, they are hovering.
Also, I was concerned with the contractions last night and decided to go into labour and delivery to be monitored (they turned out to be nothing - Murphy's Law: no contractions when hooked to the machine). Of course, both of our families were here at the time, so there was no way to hide the fact that I was leaving the house at midnight. With a packed bag. So I had to tell them that "I'm not feeling right, so I'm going to the hospital to get checked out."
This morning I woke to my mom crawling into bed with me, holding my hand, and petting my arm worriedly. I know that this may sound nice to some, but I can't TAKE that kind of hovering over me. I can't stand it. She has behaved this way all day, following me around, talking in hushed tones, asking me if I'm okay. Even my dad, who generally would give me my space, has done a little of it. Then asked me if I wanted them to leave when I was a little irritable. They are trying so hard to be here for me, but I just need to be treated normally. That is what I want.
I'm afraid that my patience was quite thin to start with. I just thought that I was overtired, but then realized that all the stress was taking its toll. And my son is dead.
I just can't even believe it some times. I had a son. He is dead. Today I had to visit my son, who is dead and buried in the ground. I had to sit next to a headstone in a frozen expanse of snow, surrounded by other people's babies who are also dead. Babies die. My baby died. I just don't understand it, not in any way at all. There are days where it is all too big and confusing for me. Today is one of those days. I just don't understand.
I feel like a real failure today. I wasn't much of a daughter and I am reminded that I am not able to mother my son. My body is contracting, two weeks too early. I can't get comfortable. I don't sleep at normal times. I feel sorry for myself and I am irritated with everyone around me. I am just a joy to be around.
Merry Christmas, right?