Monday, December 25, 2006

And a Ho, Ho, Ho.

I am feeling very blah and irritable today. I guess I am expecting too much of myself to think that I would feel any differently.

My family has been here since the 22nd. It has been quite good, generally. I am on a sort of modified bedrest, as I have been having Braxton Hicks at a little too regular intervals. However, I would NEVER tell my family that, because my parents would both freak. As it is, they are hovering.

Also, I was concerned with the contractions last night and decided to go into labour and delivery to be monitored (they turned out to be nothing - Murphy's Law: no contractions when hooked to the machine). Of course, both of our families were here at the time, so there was no way to hide the fact that I was leaving the house at midnight. With a packed bag. So I had to tell them that "I'm not feeling right, so I'm going to the hospital to get checked out."

This morning I woke to my mom crawling into bed with me, holding my hand, and petting my arm worriedly. I know that this may sound nice to some, but I can't TAKE that kind of hovering over me. I can't stand it. She has behaved this way all day, following me around, talking in hushed tones, asking me if I'm okay. Even my dad, who generally would give me my space, has done a little of it. Then asked me if I wanted them to leave when I was a little irritable. They are trying so hard to be here for me, but I just need to be treated normally. That is what I want.

I'm afraid that my patience was quite thin to start with. I just thought that I was overtired, but then realized that all the stress was taking its toll. And my son is dead.

I just can't even believe it some times. I had a son. He is dead. Today I had to visit my son, who is dead and buried in the ground. I had to sit next to a headstone in a frozen expanse of snow, surrounded by other people's babies who are also dead. Babies die. My baby died. I just don't understand it, not in any way at all. There are days where it is all too big and confusing for me. Today is one of those days. I just don't understand.

I feel like a real failure today. I wasn't much of a daughter and I am reminded that I am not able to mother my son. My body is contracting, two weeks too early. I can't get comfortable. I don't sleep at normal times. I feel sorry for myself and I am irritated with everyone around me. I am just a joy to be around.

Merry Christmas, right?


Rosepetal said...

So much stress and weight, with C.'s birthday coming up and the Babe's birth coming up too. The relatives often do not know what to say. And most people's patience is worn thin just by being around family at Christmas, never mind with all you have to go with it.

It is so big that it is incomprehensible, that C. died and Moksha died and all the other babies in blogland and IRL that we know died. You were not able to mother your son after he was born, but you did mother him for the whole of his lifetime here. I do not know about the rest of your life and why you think you are not a good daughter, but I definitely wouldn't say being stressed and irritable right now could possibly be one of the reasons.

I'm glad you went to the hospital to get your contractions checked out, and keep going to there whenever you feel the slightest worry. Really, don't give a sh*t about bothering those hospital staff. That is what they are there for.

Lots of hugs to you

Catherine said...

"There are days where it is all too big and confusing for me."

This is a perfect way to say it. And I suspect that as other "big" days come and go (Christmas, your due date, etc.), the feelings will get all mish-mashed together and you'll have to sort through them one by one. It's ok to do that however you need to do it. Don't be so hard on yourself. Take it slow and hang in there. One step at a time.

Emma's Mum said...

I wish I had some great advice for you, but maybe just knowing that we all truly understand how you feel will be of some comfort. I am just taking one moment at a time right now, and I am sure that is is all you can do as well.
Hope today is a bit better for you.....Hugs....

Aussie Kate said...

Massive (((hugs))) to you at this difficult time. Yep, it DOES all get to be too much at times, and it is such a BLAH place to be. At this risk of sounding trite, your family loves you very much and are worried about you, and are trying their hardest to take care of you in the only way they know how. It doesnt make it any easier to handle (esp when they are staying with you!) but they mean well. I am so glad you went to the hospital to get checked out.

Thinking of you heaps as we hurtle towards the birthdays of our little fellows.

whatthef*ck said...

oh darlin' ouch, ouch.

first of all, your mom climbing into bed and petting your arm, I WOULD FREAK!! That sounds so awful and way too much and yuck, yuck, yuck. It's so hard to be nice to one's parents esp in stressful times like you are having, not to mention the factthat we often feel (and behave) like teenagers around these people because we are stuck in an arrested development of osrts. we dance the same old annoying dance that we did when we left home. not sure ifthis applies to you but it explains why our best intentions go to shit when they walk through the door. that sounds so very hard to handle and it sounds to me like you did an admirable job of being gracious.

i've got to run or i'd spout off a little more. try to have some compassion for yourself. it would be hard to imagine a more difficult situation than the one you're in and i'm sure you're having am astonishing range of emotions and EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM IS 100% VALID AND UNDERSTANDABLE.

hang in there.

p.s. i start my b-h contractions at 16 weeks!! with each of my four pregnancie sthat got that far. i think of it as my uterus is an eager pupil and it's practicing by gearing up for the big day. too bad that big day never comes, except with two babies that didn't live, because i have to have c-sections. your uterus is preparing you to birth this baby. this baby that is goignt to be pink and SCREAMING!! I hope he/she creams as loud as my duaghter did and normally i wouldn't wish that on somebody but you'll need the reassurance that that baby is alive as can be.

hang in there. wont' be long now although i am sure it feels like a lifetime.

kate said...

((((((hugs))))))) to are not a failure. And yes, i agree -- quite honestly i will never understand any of it. You learn to live with it, because you have no choice -- but understand it? Not me...

rach said...

Give yourself a freaking break. I was a beast, too, and I didn't visit a kid at the cemetery. GIVE YOURSELF A FREAKING BREAK.