Thanks to everyone for the very kind comments and emails. If I can figure out a way around the security software on my computer, I will attempt to join the world of Yahoo instant messaging. And, hopefully, eliminate the need for chatrooms in my life.
With a day's perspective, I have to say that the whole rant was built upon the foundation of an unmet need for instant gratification. There are several amazing women out in cyberspace that I could have emailed for support, or I could have blogged about what I was feeling. But I was in the mood for instant contact with the world of pregnancy-after-loss and, frankly, it is a pretty small world. Perhaps it isn't a world where 24-7 contact is available to those who want it.
Regardless, I have survived the disappointment quite well. And had a lovely weekend with my husband doing nothing special. It's just that I have been enjoying our time together so much. It is possible to be a little bored with a person when you have spent the better part of 8 years together. I have noticed in the last months that I am most certainly not bored, which is a lovely feeling. There is one thing going for me - my husband is the most interesting and enjoyable person I know. Good thing I married him.
I spent another few hours in the nursery tonight. I realized, now that we have purchased several gender-specific outfits, that the nursery closet would be a dead giveaway to anyone who opened the door. So I spent time moving all the gender-specific clothing to the back of the closet and hanging all of the whites and yellows at the front. And hanging the wrong-gender outfit that we have at the front, as a decoy. There are snoopy people in our family, so I have to think this way.
I am also spending time planning for Thanksgiving, coming this weekend. I am hosting our immediate families for the first time. It isn't really a big deal or anything. I am just trying to plan in advance due to the fact that I am tired most of the time. Our meal will be Sunday, so I will bake the pies on Friday and prepare the mashed potatoes and turnips on Saturday. My tiny kitchen does not lend itself to having a lot of activity all at once, so doing a little advanced cooking (and thus washing the dishes from said cooking in advance) will save a lot of hassle come Dinner Day.
I am not really sure why I am so keyed up for Dinner. I think it just comes down to the fact that I like to host things. It's fun. I am sort of looking forward to seeing our immediate family members. Then I remember that these people are the people who annoy me the most. Not necessarily all the time, but when they get down to the business of irritating me, they do it better than most. So I guess all I can do is hope for a not-annoying time.
In pregnancy news, the Babe is getting to be more active all the time. Which gives me ample opportunity to freak out when the activity stops. This morning, for example. Babe is usually pretty good about getting kicky when I start to roll around and wake up in the morning. Not so this morning. After a nice, sugary breakfast of Eggos with maple syrup, orange juice, and a banana, there was quite a bit of action. But enough time elapsed between my waking and Babe's aerobics that I went to that place in my head... where I was picking out a casket spray and making lists of everything that I would need to do to arrange bereavement leaves for my husband and me. My brain can be an ugly place to inhabit at moments.
A couple of times I have, in my mental dialogue with the Babe, referred to him/her by C's name. Normal, I suppose. My mom usually calls me by one of my siblings' names (if not all of them) before eventually getting to mine. But when the child in question is dead, it leaves you with a really horrified feeling.
And those are the fragments of my brain today.