I am tired and I am bored and my husband went to sleep at 8:00 p.m. I am agitated and my head hurts. I thought that I would go to the Grief and Loss chatroom at babycenter.com - I went there a lot in those first few weeks... haven't been there in months.
They have changed the interface. When I did finally get it figured out, and managed to get myself out of the main chat room and into the grief and loss room, there were two women in there chatting about circumcision. At one time in my life I might have cared. Now I want a baby that is alive. I DON'T CARE about the pros and cons of circumcision. Idiot1 and Idiot2 were just in the G&L room because the other rooms were too full.
So, into the main room I go and ask if anyone there had a loss and would they like to change rooms with me. I was ignored by all and they carried on their conversation about threesomes. Oh hooray, a bunch of naively blissfully horny pregnant women - just what I wanted (she says sarcastically).
This is what pisses me off - THIS IS MY REAL LIFE. Who wants to talk about dead babies in real life??? No one. Who gives a shit that I am sad and confused and joyous and terrified all at the same time every day of my real life??? No one. So I go to virtual reality to find people I can "talk" to and... no takers. Real life echoed in the virtual corridors of a stupid chat room.
Yeah my problems aren't as bad as some. But they are my problems. And it would be nice to be able to connect into the World Wide Web, populated by thousands of women who are (no doubt) feeling the same way that I am at this very moment, and actually be able to connect.
Yes, if I tried a little harder, I might be able to find another chat room that is discussing what I want to discuss. It just shouldn't be so damned hard. Everything else in my life is so frigging hard. I don't want this to be.
I guess I am just pissed off. And bored. Bad combination.
**************
Updated to add:
I forgot to mention the part that set me off on this rant. I signed into the Grief and Loss Room. By way of introduction, I type "I had a son Jan/05 who was stillborn and am now due Jan/07". The response?
"Congrats."
Hello????????
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6 comments:
We give a shit! Seriously, I don't know you IRL but I am very interested in hearing about all of what you're experiencing.
I admit that part of it is self-interest, you have a son who died, and you are now in a place I hope to be one day (but have to keep reminding myself that I might not be) and writing about your conflicting experience which will never be the same as a happy-go-lucky pregnancy of someone who didn't have to live through this hell.
However, I have to say that despite not knowing you IRL, I really do care about your pregnancy ending with a healthy baby and it ISN'T only because that's the outcome I would wish for myself.
"I had a son Jan/05 who was stillborn and am now due Jan/07"
"Congrats."
I suppose REALLYSTUPIDIdiot1 and REALLYSTUPIDIdiot2 could have asked you if your son C. was circumcised.....
oh darlin' what a scary and lonely place to be. and nobody can understand what you've been through and what you are going through now.
when i got pregnant again after losing charlotte, i really needed support from people who understood. THAT'S when i started looking for a support group. i didn't find one. until now, that is. if you want to email, we could try that. i know that i understand some of what you're going through but as for the rest, i'm a good listener.
i have one thing to share. i was so terrfiied during my pregnancy with my daughter, for various reasons, and after she was born perfectly healthy, i had a weird feeling of somehing like, "SHIT. she's fine!! you mean i could have ENJOYED my pregnancy instead of being so afraid to bond?" (i hadn't known her gender which didn't help.)
I missed it all. Until i heard her cry, i didn't believe that she would be okay.
I REFUSE to miss what will hopefully be my last pregnancy. I want so much to enjoy it. I was terrified also when i got pregnant again after losing charlotte but i dont want to do that again. Being pesimistic in an effort to protect myself did not help me one bit.
Argh. It's so hard. I feel some of your pain. It's brutal. It's a big fat catch-22.
I gotta run but i'd love to talk more about this if you want.
ps.s how, oh how could anybody be that clueless???
You know, I am amazed at how much babycenter's G&L room has changed. When Caleb died, the room was seriously ALWAYS full. FULL. As sad as that is, that room probably saved me in those first 6 months. I literally spent 4 to 5 hours every night there, chatting. Eventually it got to the point that there were too many trolls and so the little group of friends I had made there (literally about 20 of us that had losses in a 6 month time period) moved on to yahoo messenger and just started chatting privately there.
(((hugs))) I am sorry no one was there for you when you needed them to be. I really wish there were more resources out there for us.
idiots lol
check your email, i sent you my IM id's if you want to chat....
MISS has a chatroom which is not always empty, too..
Even though my loss happened much earlier in the pregnancy, I know what it's like to have hopes and dreams for a baby that didn't make it to the world, and I know what it's like to lose the happy innocence of pregnancy. I can't say I know exactly how you feel, but I'm more than willing to listen when you "talk".
I'm sorry you felt alone in a place where you wanted to find some community. I check your blog all the time and am wishing only the best for you and your family.
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