Monday, July 10, 2006's my right.

So I don't exactly post prolifically these days, do I. I admit, I have gotten out of the habit a bit.

In my defense, in the past 2 weeks we have experienced prolonged drama relating to conflicting opinions about a family wedding, extremely poor mental and physical heath in one of my close relatives, and the loss of an elderly relative on my husband's side.

No one knows I am pregnant. So pile on the stress, people. Unload your problems at my doorstep. Don't worry about me - what could I possibly have on my plate that might be a little more pressing to me than, say, a flowergirl's basket??? (sarcasm is my weapon)

My eye has been twitching for 2 weeks. I have been spending much quality time in the bathroom with my IBS symptoms. I cry at the drop of a hat (or during footage of the English defending their homeland during WWII). Hmmm?? Any correlation? Am I feeling a little stressed???

I only have one pair of track shorts that fit, which I wear daily with my husband's t-shirts. I look terrible. My skin is breaking out and I have needed a decent haircut for a month. I am tired and I feel nauseous every day (though not all day anymore, thank god). I have only gained 2 pounds, which makes me happy (I am very slightly overweight) and scared (average 1st tri weight gain 3-5 pounds) all at the same time.

My mind cannot handle the concept of the time between now and Baby. In fact, my mind cannot handle the concept of Baby. I feel as though I have a medical condition that I am managing, not that I am preparing to bring my second-born living and kicking into this world. Is that even possible? I am not despairing of the possibility, I just cannot comprehend it. It is a concept that is too good to be true.

I have even contemplated the idea that I am just not that interested in kids anymore. Maybe that is just not my lot in life. Which makes me realize that I am shutting off from the idea of this pregnancy in ways that I am not totally cognizant of. Because, if you asked anyone who has ever known me, there is no one in the world that is more of a kid person than me.

I guess it is somewhat futile to question it all. I know why I cannot believe it. Because my only experience with pregnancy and childbirth ended tragically. And most of the people that I talk with on a regular basis have had at least one similar experience. For me, loss is the norm. But as I look around and see the rest of the world, I am shocked to discover that baby's safe arrival is truly the norm.

Is it like anorexia? Where these people have such a warped perspective of body image that they cannot see that they are living skeletons? Because I have a negative experience with bringing a child into this world, I will always have that as the benchmark of "normal". Will that image change with time or a live birth?

Maybe things with become more real when more people know. Or when I hear a heartbeat. Or when I feel movement. Or when they set the epidural.

Only 207 days to go.


Catherine said...

Your eye twitches with stress too?!?!

Hang on. That's the best assvice I've got. Just hang on. It's all you can do.

Bronwyn said...

If you weren't feeling this confused and stressed right now, I'd question your humanity! Since a long hot bath and a glass of wine are out of the question, how about a massage and a big bowl of ice cream? I bet the baby really needs ice cream right about now!

delphi said...

Sadly - very, very sadly - ice cream makes me nauseous.

kate said...

ice cream makes you nauseous? Oh you poor thing!

Yes, it's like anorexia -- you cannot at first envision that a good outcome is possible. But, indeed, most babies do live. I had a hard time believing in a positive outcome after my loss, even though i had had a living child before. So i can imagine that having lost your first, it is all the more difficult. Plus we all know there are no guarantees.

Sending you lots of love and (((((((hugs)))))))

Lorem ipsum said...

You sound like a skeptic too. And you probably will be, up to and including the moment you hear your child cry its first breath.

One day at a time, indeed.

Julian's Mom said...

If it makes you feel any better, I am still feeling skeptical, and I am 2 weeks away from my due date. Hopefully the baby knows how much I love her and want her to make it, but part of me just can't believe I will bring home a live, healthy baby until it happens.