Saturday, October 02, 2010

The Final Piece

Well, friends, I suppose it is time to acknowledge what is happening here. Or should I say, what is not happening here.

When I came to this space, I was still ringing with the pain of loss. Ever fibre and nerve in my body was vibrating with missing him. I ate, breathed, slept pain. It was everything.

I wrote here in order to skim off the worst of it and put it somewhere it could be contained and confined. Somewhere it couldn't hurt me anymore. Somewhere I could read a response that said "Yes, I know. It is terrible and unbelievable and unjust and I'm sorry".

When I came here, I didn't have real friends anymore. I couldn't. They didn't know. They couldn't help me. Some of them even hurt me.

Then I started to write here, and I made a place for me in the pain. Some of you came with me to that place, some of you were already there and shared a spot beside you. It was amazing to have that connection with people who I didn't know, but who I knew so intimately.

Thank you.

Today, my days are filled with the "why???" and "can I??" and "come play" of the three year old. My nights are broken with that exhausting, but all-too-soon-over cry of the hungry infant. And five long, troubled, joyous years have passed. I now vibrate with life instead of death.

To say that I don't need you anymore would be wrong. I do need you, but in a different way. It is enough now to know that you walked with me along this path of grief. It is enough now to know that you are out there walking still.

There is something satisfying about where I am now. I have a son who was born 2 years and 3 hours after his brother, barely missing a shared birthday. I have a daughter who was born exactly 6 years to the day after her oldest brother was conceived. We look to the future.

I know now how I will be living with this thing called grief. It sits lightly on my shoulders, always present but not always acknowledged. Today I can bear the weight of it.

Each year, I will walk in memory of my boy. Each time I do, I will light a candle for your babies, too. Know that I think of them.

I didn't think I would want to say goodbye, but I do.

Goodbye.

Thank you.

32 comments:

Rosepetal said...

Goodbye delphi - I am also glad, given that I had to walk it, to have walked with you. You were so supportive.

AussieJenn said...

via LFCA
What a beautiful goodbye. I wish you all the very best.
Enjoy your children.

Aussie kate said...

I can't really put into words what I want to say. I have walked this path beside you for so long. Its hard to believe that we now both have our 'pigeon pair' at home with us, but only memories of the little boy who came before. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for time and time again putting into words those emotions and feelings we both felt.

Kendra's mom said...

Goodbye and thank you for sharing your journey with us. It always helps to be able to read something and think 'Hey, that's how I feel sometimes'. I have also pretty much stopped blogging though I do still pop in now and again.

Best of luck
Vannessa

Trevor said...

It's been a pleasure and a privilege to share part of your journey with you. Thanks for everything.

Pipsylou said...

I am doing the same thing with my blog. Isn't it amazing what time can do? As we look forward to another infant in our home again (eeek!) I know it all came together for a purpose, and it's all gonna be OK!

Good bye, and God bless!

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Fruitful Harvest said...

I am a the start of my grief journey. After 6 kiddos age 16-3yrs at the age of 42 I suffered a early miscarriage Jan.20 2011.
I was 8wks 4dys. We named him Christian (LOVE) Alexander.
I am not sure if we will have more....our rainbow baby.

I am glad you are finding peace and moving foward.....the length one grives is no measure of the LOVE felt for ones Angel Baby.

Your story here on this sight might help another by letting her SEE the walk someone else had.....and that it IS a journey towards healing.

Best Wishes,
Georgiann

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