Thursday, May 13, 2010

What happened

So here we are. I am done procreating. I am at the same time thrilled and saddened by that thought. It's bittersweet.

We were scheduled to be induced on May 1st. My water broke spontaneously around noon on April 30. So off we went to L&D, where nothing happened. I sat and knit for 4 hours. Then my OB decided that sitting around was silly, so started to augment with oxytocin. I slowly dilated. At around 9 or 10ish I got my epidural, which seemed to destroy the pattern and intensity of my contractions. So, they turned down the epidural (ouch) and turned up the oxytocin (double ouch). Around midnight, I was about 9 cm, then 9 1/2, then got stuck. The nurse thought the last bit would go faster, so I had my legs up in the stirrups for a long time. She kept asking if I had the urge to push, and I never did. I finally got fed up with waiting (it hurt!) and told her I wanted to push. After a couple of false starts, I pushed 3 times and she was out.

It wasn't all rosy. We couldn't track her heart rate with the external, so had to do an internal monitor on her scalp. Then, towards the end, she started to have decels (down to about 90 bpm) occasionally during contractions. The decels were infrequent, but scary. My husband tells me that the cord was around her neck when she was born (slipped off easily). She had to be suctioned and was a little quiet at first (no idea what her APGARS were, they didn't say...). Then all was perfect.

I am so happy. She is wonderful. It's been really easy, so far (as easy as life with a newborn could be, that is...).

People have asked me if it has been hard to go from one to two kids to care for. I haven't found it really hard. It takes more effort, obviously, and life is busier, but it hasn't been overwhelming. It was way more overwhelming to go from "mother of dead baby, caretaker of tombstone, waterer of memory garden" to "mother of live baby with needs". My expectations of what it would like to be a parent had to go through a major shift from the day I married my husband, to burying our first child, to bringing home our second. This change is SO minor in comparison to all that.

Also, I am having small struggles with all the "perfect family" comments. Boy and girl, one of each. Honestly, if C. had lived, and if we had BB subsequent to that, we would probably not have tried for a girl. I think both of us only ever wanted two kids, potentially only one kid, and three would never have been something we tried for. So, for us, if things had gone "perfectly", we would have two boys. Our family will never be "perfect". We can't call it perfection when one family member is gone forever. But, I will admit, it is as near to perfection as we can possibly hope for in the life we lead now.

So that's where I am today.


Kendra's mom said...

We are almost the same. If my daughter hadn't died then I would probably not have gone on and had my son who is now 9 months old. And no matter how much I wish for her back I certainly don't want to not have him here. How these dead baby feelings mess with one's head!!

Anyway, congratulations!! I am so happy for you and I hope things keep going well with your darling little girl!

Aussie kate said...

Thanks for sharing your birth story. I totally relate to the bittersweet feeling of coming to the end of pregnancy and having babies. But all in all, you sound like you are in a good space considering all you have gone through.

I'd love to see some pics if you get a chance to email me (and of course, details of a name ;)

Rosepetal said...

Congratulations again on your baby girl :-) I don't know why I didn't see you had posted last week!

I haven't faced up to the bittersweet question yet although it's simmering in my head. I have also had the comments "now your family is complete" and thought "no it can never be complete". And whilst I was pg with Coccinelle, knowing she was a girl, I turned over the thoughts that I should have had two boys.

Sherry said...

Many congrats to you on your new addition!

I'm glad I'm not alone in not knowing how to handle the well-intended comments about how "perfect" our family is. Hardly.