Dear World

It is possible for a perfectly healthy baby to die for no known reason after the "scary" first 3 weeks. Please attempt to remember that.

(Sorry. Feeling particularly inundated with kittens-rainbows-and-sunshine pregnancies today. By people who should know better. WHEN the baby gets here, indeed. And please dump the annoying Facebook ticker. Arg.)

OK. Now attempting to rationalize that they are normal and I am not. It is normal to be expectant and confident. It is not normal to see death as the possible 50-50 outcome of any pregnancy. It's just my fucked up brain controlling all my emotions again. Ignore it. Just ignore it.

Excuse me while I go writhe in jealousy at the naivete.

Is this somehow better?

It is just so weird how far away and long ago it was that I was pregnant with C. I never thought I would say this, but it feels like it didn't really happen to me. Like it was all a bad dream.

The days just move ahead. Life moves ahead. BB grows and changes and fills my days. C. doesn't. I don't know how to bring the memory of C. into the here and now.

Fundamentally, the problem with the memory of a person is that it doesn't move forward. When the memory barely has a chance to exist - when there are no stories that friends can share, when there are no firsts to reminisce about, when there is no sound of a voice, a scent... well, you get the picture. What am I supposed to do with that?

I will never be satisfied with my relationship with C. It is one sided. It can never grow. I can never get to know him in any real way. How is a mother supposed to find any satisfaction in that?

I don't think of him every hour of the day anymore. His memory is less concrete than that. I feel his existence in my bones, at some base level. It is something primal, something instinctual. He is the reason my stomach flips dangerously at the sight of a pregnant belly. Or when discussions of babies and pregnancies are overheard.

So, has C's legacy become a smattering of negative, heart-jerking emotions? Are those the only times that I think of that perfect little boy? I don't know. I don't think so. But those are the things that I feel most deeply.

I think of him when I take BB to the swimming pool. He screams his head off with excitement when the older kids, kids about C's age, play with him. I always think about how I would be managing two boys - would I be able to keep both of them within reach? Would I have fun swimming with my two boys or would I just be frustrated by it all? Is the patience I (usually) have with BB be more or less if C was still here?

I don't know what the point of all of this is, other than to say that I feel so unsatisfied with the position that C holds in my heart and my life. I don't really know what to do about it.

Not really helping the women's movement

In an effort to end a really boring conversation, I just told my boss that "I don't worry my pretty little head" about things like money or the economy.

Don't worry; I am a unionized worker for the provincial government. He can't fire me.

Also, he knows a joke when he hears one.

Radio Flashback

I asked my good friend, a brilliant pianist, to play something beautiful for C's funeral. I secretly hoped she would play Satie's Gymnopédies No. 1.

I'm glad she didn't.

The hustle and the bustle

Well, I want to tell how it's going with my office-mate. El Stinko. He actually smells fine in the morning - the odor is something that develops over the course of the day. That makes me think that he does wear deoderant, but that it doesn't work very well. And as far as the job share goes, things are trucking along in an abysmal fashion. He has no respect for my experience or knowledge and will not take any suggestions from me. Never mind that I have been doing this job for 6 years and he has done a part-time portion of it for 12 months (12 of the months I was on leave).

He asked me how many kids I have now. Duh. Idiot. You filled my position for both of my maternity leaves. That is how you got the job. Think, moron. I have thus far held my tongue and refrained from hitting him. Amazing self control, I think.

I am unhappy with the sharing portion of my job, but some of my project work was transferred into a sector that I am pretty good at. Always a mix of the good and the bad.

Now that I have figured out a back-door way to access Blogger (that our work firewall doesn't disallow), I hope to post more. When I will find time to read, I haven't figured out yet.

On an unrelated note, how do you feel when your MIL helps out at your house with laundry and cleaning, unasked? Because I should be grateful, but mostly I just feel embarrased that my house was such a disaster and annoyed that I can't find my dishes. Ah, the complexity of our near vacinity to my in-laws.