Friday, September 19, 2008

Is this somehow better?

It is just so weird how far away and long ago it was that I was pregnant with C. I never thought I would say this, but it feels like it didn't really happen to me. Like it was all a bad dream.

The days just move ahead. Life moves ahead. BB grows and changes and fills my days. C. doesn't. I don't know how to bring the memory of C. into the here and now.

Fundamentally, the problem with the memory of a person is that it doesn't move forward. When the memory barely has a chance to exist - when there are no stories that friends can share, when there are no firsts to reminisce about, when there is no sound of a voice, a scent... well, you get the picture. What am I supposed to do with that?

I will never be satisfied with my relationship with C. It is one sided. It can never grow. I can never get to know him in any real way. How is a mother supposed to find any satisfaction in that?

I don't think of him every hour of the day anymore. His memory is less concrete than that. I feel his existence in my bones, at some base level. It is something primal, something instinctual. He is the reason my stomach flips dangerously at the sight of a pregnant belly. Or when discussions of babies and pregnancies are overheard.

So, has C's legacy become a smattering of negative, heart-jerking emotions? Are those the only times that I think of that perfect little boy? I don't know. I don't think so. But those are the things that I feel most deeply.

I think of him when I take BB to the swimming pool. He screams his head off with excitement when the older kids, kids about C's age, play with him. I always think about how I would be managing two boys - would I be able to keep both of them within reach? Would I have fun swimming with my two boys or would I just be frustrated by it all? Is the patience I (usually) have with BB be more or less if C was still here?

I don't know what the point of all of this is, other than to say that I feel so unsatisfied with the position that C holds in my heart and my life. I don't really know what to do about it.


Cara said...

I hear your struggle and work within that hazy relationship line too with out first. But our next two do, as you say, fill our days. Actually my post from yesterday is a testament to how, ocassionally, the two come together. Click over if you like, (you might have to cut and paste...sorry

Nisha said...
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~S said...

This was beautifully written. I can only identify with your thoughts on C as my husband and I have yet to have another child, but I have often thought of the horrible position in grief losing a baby puts us in...We have no other thoughts or memories to fill our grief, only negativity. I'm still looking for a way out of this. But thank you for putting beautiful words to those thoughts.

Rosepetal said...

I wrote a similar post a few days ago. Your last paragraph sums up my feelings exactly.