I squirmed with discomfort when my office-mate responded to the sad news that my cousin's wife miscarried again with "My sister hasn't even gotten that far."
Admittedly, I have not miscarried. I also haven't experienced true infertility (our diagnosis of secondary infertility between the boys was too short lived to count for much). So I can't say that I have much personal experience with either situation.
Nonetheless, I cannot help but feel the comment was inappropriate. Because I don't think my cousin or his wife count themselves lucky to be able to get pregnant but not bring home a baby. And I don't think my office-mate's sister would be very thrilled to get pregnant and lose the baby, either.
Maybe I am wrong (feel free to contradict), but I can't imagine how miscarriage could ever be construed as better than infertility. The both suck in equally shitty, though slightly different ways.
Oh well. My office-mate also makes other inappropriate comments. And mispronounces the word "sometimes". Not exactly bosom-buddy material.
But, sheesh.
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I think this falls squarely in the "to each her own" sector of the emotional galaxy. I can imagine how someone who has been at this IF business for years without even a BFP can feel themselves worse off than those who got to experience some amount of pregnancy, some sense of joy, some sense of belonging in "the club." But I also feel that the remark can be interpreted to be a Pain Olympics competitor-- look, I know of pain, and mine is worse. Hearing of someone's bad news is not the time to compare scars, but the time to offer sympathy. I can say that I hope she meant it as a means of sympathizing-- I am sorry, I know this can be really tough. But if that's what she meant, I don't think she expressed it well at all.
Yes, it is inappropriate.
How is it possible to mispronounce sometimes? Explanation please!
I saw this post in the Friday roundup on Stirrup Queens and your post reminded me of it... I think she explains it well.
http://flutterofhope.blogspot.com/2008/05/twisted.html
Rosepetal - "sun"-times.
Seriously.
Julia - basically, I just hate it when anyone compares pain. Both situations suck, in there own shitty ways. There is no point in comparing; it can only make people feel worse. I think you agree with me on that point, but I am not sure my post was clear enough on the issue, so I wanted to clarify.
I agree with you. I had a friend say in response to be sister's late second trimester lost, "at least she's had a baby." I just don't get that. =(
Yeah, i agree with you....
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