Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Shades of good.

We went away this weekend to visit relatives and it was good.

The sun is shining and it is 29 degrees out there. Ohhhh, that's good.

And I went on a trip down memory lane yesterday. Not so good (though not really bad).

I stopped by my old place of employment to show off BB. They were great employers, but it was a 80 km commute, with kind of crummy pay and no benefits. So I found a 2 km commute with great pay and great benefits about 5 years ago.

I was introduced to the woman who is doing the job I used to do. I said "pleased to meet you" and she said "we went to school together" in a snotty tone of voice. Like she was annoyed I didn't remember her.

She was in first year when I was in second year. We weren't friends. I doubt we ever had a conversation. And honestly, I was slightly depressed and considering dropping out of school at that time. I didn't go out with friends to meet new people; I stayed in on weekends, went to the library, played dark music and explored the local arts scene. I auditioned for a play*, and was in rehearsal several nights a week.

I felt bad for not remembering her. Then I gave my head a shake and thought why should I remember her? It was 8 years ago. I had my own life at the time. Why do I always feel guilty for not remembering people AND guilty when I expect other people to remember me? What sort of inferiority complex am I dragging around?

So I have decided that I am NOT going to feel guilty about this and I am going to marvel at her ego in being so annoyed at my faulty memory.

And, if you can believe this, she has the audacity to cast snotty, derisive looks at me and be 5 months pregnant with her second child. The nerve.

So that was slightly upsetting. But what hurt even more was remembering the person that I was when I worked there. I spent the drive home doing a little mourning for the person that I was before. I realized that I don't really want to keep going back there to visit, even to have them coo over my perfect baby. Because it just reminds me of NOT visiting 2 years ago. And makes me miss that naivete.

There is a hole in my soul. I live with it, but it doesn't let me forget it is there.

*where I met my husband and life has been sunshine and butterflies ever since... ;)


niobe said...

Sorry you ran into that evil woman. I always laugh secretly when someone gets upset that I don't remember them. Unless, of course, it's someone I actually liked.

But otherwise, as you say, you have to wonder what kind of ego the person must have to think that you had nothing better to do than to pay attention to them.

In fact, if I really disliked the person, I have, on occasion pretended not to remember them when I really did, just to spite them. Yeah, I know, I'm petty and childish. And those are my good qualities.

29 degrees? Brrrr. Oh, wait. You don't mean fahrenheit?

delphi said...

84.2 degrees F. For my esteemed friends in the USA!

Lori said...

I understand what you are saying about having a hard time going back to places that centered around your "former life." Life before loss that is. It can be hard to remember more innocent times, and at least for me, I find myself simultaneously wanting that innocence back and yet never wanting it back. That probably doesn't make sense...