Of course, despite this rant, I cannot stop the incessent drone pounding through my head. Will we tempt fate and try another pregnancy? Ultimately, I think the answer will be yes, but it is going to take some time before I can even contemplate that.
However, when I said "I don't know if we will try to have another" to my massage therapist yesterday, she looked at me as if I had sprouted another head. "oh," she said in slightly incredulous tone of voice.
"How come? Because of what happened to C.?"
OK, seriously, isn't that a good enough reason? Having one baby die was bad enough. Then considering that I am not infertile, but also not particularly fertile. Take into consideration polyhydramnios and BB's heart arrhythmia equalling a high-risk delivery. Yep. A little gun-shy on the repeat.
But why did I feel the need to justify myself to her. And why do I always feel like I have to justify the number of children I have to other people?
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But why did I feel the need to justify myself to her. And why do I always feel like I have to justify the number of children I have to other people?
It might be because you have somewhat mixed feelings about it yourself. It's harder, I find, to explain my decisions to someone else if I'm not really sure what I want.
But I could be completely wrong.
I feel that SAME way. I go through it all the time. And I didn't even have a stillborn baby. I would imagine the issues are much more compounded for you!
It's one of those situations where you're damned if you do, damned if you don't. It's hard not to resent that somewhat withering look people give me when I say that I don't have any children. I just try to avoid using my dead baby as a conversational weapon, so I only mention her to people I feel close enough to share with. (Sigh)
Sorry your therapist wasn't as supportive as she could have been. Your reasons for being ambivalent about trying for another child should have been abundantly obvious!
Niobe,
It may be my own mixed feelings that make it harder for me to justify myself. More, though, I am irritated by my need to justify. Because I hardly know this person, really. I am such a people pleaser, I am so worried about what people think that I can't just live my own life and not care what strangers think about it. That's what really bothers me.
But I do think that if I felt secure in a decision, I would be ready to defend that decision to the end, rather than make lame excuses up to justify it.
Bronwyn,
Blech. I am sorry that you have to deal with that, ongoing. I don’t know what it is about our society that makes people judge you for your choices when they don’t know the reasons behind your choices (or lack of choice). It is especially irritating in the area of procreation. ((hugs))
d
You know, it's funny but I actually feel like the person I am always trying to justify the number of children I have to, is me. But, I suppose since I have three living children I probably get a lot less questions about whether we will have more.
Because our family did not end up the way I envisioned, and I did not have as many children as I thought I would have, I still find myself trying to convince *myself* that that is okay. That we are still a complete family. But I guess therein lies the rub, having lost two children, it really is hard to ever feel complete.
I am quite certain that there is no way I will attempt another pregnancy. That being said, I have been pleasantly surprised by the mostly understanding responses I have received when people ask about my plans and I answer honestly. I have almost felt that some people are relieved (in a caring way, not an intrusive way) when I tell them why the idea scares me enough to make an attempt nearly impossible. The cardiologist who followed us through both pregnancies has even joked that if we do try for another baby, we will need to find a new doctor, because she wouldn't be able to cope with the stress herself.
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