Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Obsessing over the details

I have been mulling a number of things over for a while now, waiting for the oppertunity to write a decent post.

First: whether or not to try for another child.

I know I already lamented the insanity of the world around me that is already making comments about "the next one". But the thought is rather consuming. In that, if I were to make a final and permanent decision that we would NOT try another pregnancy, there is a whole lot of housecleaning that I could do. Pass on BB's newborn duds, my maternity clothes, etc. And it would actually allow me to visualize what our family's future might look like.

But I have to admit that I am totally undecided on the issue. When I am completely truthful with myself, I think that we probably will try to have another living child. I feel like we owe it to BB to have a sibling in the house that he can grow up with (rather than just a gravesite that he can visit). For him, I think that I could take the chance again. For myself, I don't think I could.

Going into our pregnancy with C., it was all about us: taking our two lives and combining them in a way that was our legacy. A child that would meld us into a family, two souls combined. All of that romantic kind of thought. Going into BB's pregnancy, it was more about desperation that we would never experience the joy of raising a child in our house. It wouldn't cancel out any of the tears that we continue to cry for C, but it would bring its own unique joy - to be able to raise a child.

Why would be the purpose of a third pregnancy? Assuming that it would result in a live birth (!), it could only possibly be for BB. And for FutureKid. So that they would have each other. I can't imagine my life without my siblings (rose coloured glasses blinding me to all the times I could have strangled them...). Theoretically, BB and FutureKid would be there for each other when we no longer could be.

I tried to explain a little of this to my parents recently. Since they were amoung the people who were teasing us about having another baby. All I really wanted for a response was an affirmation that they understood that it was our decision to make and that they would support us in whatever we chose to do. Instead, I was assured that I would change my mind and have more children (so easy, right? just decide and it happens) and that they were told they shouldn't have more after I was born and that it was too important to them, so they did anyways. Not once did they validate what I had expressed - that I currently didn't anticipate ever going through another pregnancy.

My relationship with my mother has been poor (to put it mildly) for months. This doesn't help things. She begs me to share my emotions with her, then she discredits them when I do. Remind me not to fall for that anymore.

Secondly: oh, the griefs we can grieve

I spend hours, sometimes, staring at BB. Memorizing all the unique things that make him who he is. I wish that I could say that my thoughts are about him alone. But much of my time is also spent wondering if any of his traits are similar to what his brother's might have been. Would C. have gotten the hiccups so often? would they have had similar temperments? did C. have his grandma's tounge and his dad's toes, too?

There were so many physical aspects of C. that we just didn't know to look for. We remember that he did have attached earlobes, but what were his toenails like? His lips were like mine - would he have looked like me when he smiled (BB does, a little)?

And what would he have been like with his little brother? Born almost two years apart, exactly. Would he have been tired of the noisy little being that was taking all of his mom's attention?

My thoughts drift to C. more and more - yet he feels so far away from us. That distance seems to have increased exponentially in the last two months. And that surely hurts.


BB goes for his first immunizations tomorrow. How hard that will be on the Mommy and the Daddy! He will get booby whenever he asks tomorrow, that's for sure.

BTW, any suggestions for dealing with an overactive milk-ejection reflex? I spray milk down his throat, he chokes and tries to pull away without letting go of my nipple. OOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!! Current techniques include: nursing laying back in a recliner, taking him off and expressing when he starts to choke, making sure he is sitting up when he nurses. Any other ideas?

Thanks for sharing your experiences with the dreaded # of children question. It always helps when I compare notes. Makes me feel normal, a little.

And thanks for reading this - assuming anyone still reads!

P.S. I bet you didn't know that Barenaked Ladies have a song about grieving...


Aussie Kate said...

Gosh, what a lot to think about! As usual, you have put so many of my random thoughts and feelings into actual words. We too have been dealing with the issues of 'trying again' for the last 10 months, and are still no closer to 'the answer', for all the reasons you mention.

I too feel like S and his presence is further and further away now that B is here and spending so much time with us. In some ways, I feel B is crowding out my memories of what S was like. Makes me incredibly sad, but at the same time, Im incredibly thankful for B's presence, so I take the good with the bad.

Now, for the milk issues! You are on the right track with the things you are trying. Maybe check out the kellymom website (a wealth of info!) for info about overactive letdown. You will hopefully find over the next few weeks that your supply will settle down even more to match BB's needs.

Good luck with the needles, its not fun, but is done for the best possible reasons - to keep him healthy in the long term.

Kate xo

pipsylou said...

I watched the notebook and HATED it. Thought it was the cheeziest thing I have EVER seen. First of all, the girl's a tramp, ok? Walking all over first dude's heart...and then at the end? BOTH of them dying at the exact same time? RIIIIIIGHT.

On to "more children" question. This question frustrates me. I know, I have 2, I shouldn't be weighing in. Here's the thing - it's people who haven't had any problems saying, "Oh! You will want more!" "hmmmm...yeah, I would want more to if I got pregnant after thinking about it for 2 days and if I hadn't found out we'd lost a baby almost midway through and if the other baby werne't born with all sorts of problems...and if I weren't a psycho while pregnant..." There was this lady at Bible study who had kids the same age mine were and was talking about her third, "We'll have our third so our second and third are 18 months apart. Oh! I love this motherhood thing! It's a piece of cake!" blech.

anyway, isn't it weird how we have these thoughts when our babies are only 2 months old? Happy 2 months bb!

got your thank you in the mail - your writing looks like a computer font!!!! nice!

Rosepetal said...

I'm still reading! Totally lacking in wise words though.

I totally understand about wondering about C. You didn't have enough time - there would never have been enough time to memorise him, all of him, in the way you wanted to. For me I simply did not have time to realise that those few hours with my baby boy, even though he was dead, were all I was ever going to get, my last chance to remember his ears, his hair, his feet, his back, the palms of his little hands, the whorls of his little fingerprints. All things that BB can share with you every day but C. could not.


whatthef*ck said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
whatthef*ck said...

"Why would be the purpose of a third pregnancy? Assuming that it would result in a live birth (!), it could only possibly be for BB."

certainly it would be for you and dh too, right? or wrong? as amazed as you are by BB, and evrybody is right, it just gets better, you will be equally if not more amazed by another child. its like a miracle that gain one can manage to produce a living, breathing, little person that take syour panty shields and says, "i love you so much" while squeeezng your cheeks in her chubby little hands. and watching them together-that's my favorite part. its just incredible. so much so that we have worked so hard for a third.

somebody told me re: the number of kids you want, imagine who you want sitting around your thanksgiving table in 15, 20, 30 years. yeah it can be hell right now, especially making them, but we get it all back all the time.

i'm kind of wigging about having a third but i know that once she gets here we wont be able to imagine life without her.

i also know that in deciding to try again for a third and then again, i turned to one of my guiding principles in life and that is to not make decisions out of fear. so here i am. that's my two cents.

spryngtree said...

We are working on this decision too. (our second child is now two) and today I asked whether we should or not to a silly online fortune teller website. I got back a reading that included the following quote:

"Love is the most difficult and dangerous form of courage."
~ Delmore Schwartz

It kind of blew me away because when we lost our first we said we never regretted loving him. When we were pregnant with our second it was so hard to let go and care about him though, and then a friend reminded me that we loved our first and didn't regret it, why would we regret loving this one, no matter what happened? So that is what I think about having a third...when we are ready to try again, it doesn't matter how it turns out, what matters is that we love.