Monday, December 11, 2006

Imprints on our soul

My grief counselor has often spoken of the idea that our lives, lived so cyclically, are permanently imprinted with the experiences of the years before. Meaning that, if something tragic happened in October of last year, it is entirely likely that the repercussions of that tragedy will echo through time to be felt in October of this year.

So I guess I shouldn't be so surprised that, as we trudge closer and closer to Christmas every day, my soul drags further and further down. In the next few weeks, I will celebrate my second Christmas without C. and mark his second birthday. And it hurts.

Honestly, I am quite surprised. I get good at fooling myself about my capabilities to deal with my grief and move on. I am not hating Christmas the way I did last year, so I thought that meant that I had experienced a miraculous healing over the past 12 months. I didn't consider the fact that not hating didn't mean over the Christmas pain. Foolish, really. But true.

To think... if my life were different, this would be the first Christmas that C. would start to really participate in the childhood wonder of Christmas tradition. His two-year-old eyes would take it all in; in wonder, in disinterest, in fear, who knows? Would he boldly march up to Santa Clause for his Christmas photo, or would he burst out in hysterics? Would he tear open his presents and play with all the toys, or would the wrapping and boxes be so much more interesting?

There would be sloppy kisses, and fights with his cousins over new toys, and my total annoyance at the insanely impractical gifts from his grandparents. He would be overtired and overstimulated, or laid back and cozy, or a bit of both. We would go to the park or skating or play street hockey, and he would insist on playing, even though his legs are too short to keep up with his cousins and he would probably end up crying. His dad would video it all.

I don't usually allow myself this indulgence... who he would have been. But there is something about the Babe's impending arrival that has allowed me this without stepping too far into the realm of imagination. And losing myself there.

And then my heart tears in two with longing, knowing how much I miss him.

None of this weight is lifted by the uncertainty that I feel regarding the Babe's safety. I suspected that I would be more fearful towards the end, and I am. There are so many unknowns - even down to where I am supposed to deliver. Is s/he okay in there? Are we going to get so close and then lose it all again? My strength and hope is faltering in these last weeks.

I am looking forward to two months from now, when I am past this Season of Pain.


Rosepetal said...

Delphi, I can feel your pain and fear through what you wrote. I am just so so sorry that C. isn't with you and I am hoping so so much that the Babe will be born safe and sound. LOTS of love to you both (((Hugs)))

kate said...

Christmas is very difficult for us all, and having it close to a birthday makes it especially difficult. The anxiety as you wait for your Babe to arrive does not help matters. All i can tell you is that you *will* make it through, and i am thinking of you. (((((hugs)))))

rach said...

Breathe. One. day. at. a. time.

I have to tell myself that 83 times a day. And I just wrote about that "seasonal" imprint that happens in our minds and to our psyches after something traumatic happens. Allow yourself to feel those feelings, feel whatever you need to. Then go grab a pint of ice cream, put your feet up, and poke at the Babe. :)

msfitzita said...

Sending ((((HUGS))) and wishes for whatever little moments of peace you can find.

Thinking of you and the Babe.

Julian's Mom said...

Yeah... What you said. Thanks for putting into words what I don't have the time or energy to do as I also approach what would be my son's second birthday.

aussie kate said...

I am walking the same path as you. C and S were born so closely in time that I too wonder what life would be like with a soon-to-be 2 year old. I think Christmas and the New Year will forever be changed. Our little fellows will live on in our hearts and minds forever. xo