What was that? Oh... there it is... that's the fear...

I was living in a little la la land and loving it.

When the baby was too small to feel, I had to just believe that s/he was okay. I had nothing else to obsess over. I just had to believe.

Now, however...now I have something to obsess over. Today I have had two panic attacks relating to movement - when did I last feel movement, what time is it, is the baby usually asleep now, are they strong movements? Quick, someone get the orange juice while I lie down on my left side. It's only 10:30 a.m.

This has been my weekend. I am going to keep the good people at Minute Maid in business. If this baby comes out smelling like an orange, you will know why.

I can only hope that this is a short term thing, as I get used to having movement inside me again. I suspect that this fear is something I had better get used to.

I think that I was getting a little over confident (relatively speaking, of course). Wow, what perspective 20 months gives you; I am not as fearful as I expected to be, I thought. Ha! Well, I guess I didn't fear a miscarriage, since I haven't had one. We are really best at fearing the things we know could hurt us.

I just am terrified that, when asked, I won't be able to answer the question "when was the last time you felt movement" again. I guess I am just scared.

My poor husband.



P.S. I want to thank you all for your support relating to my relatively friendless state. I am not exactly feeling better (it isn't something a person can really feel great about, is it?), but my thought process is no longer consumed with the issue.