Friday, September 08, 2006

Losing perspective is an easy thing to do...

I think perhaps it may be a good idea for me to do some explaining.

Yesterday's post was, in the light of some perspective, way too harsh. I was quite hurt and upset at the time and needed to get those feelings off my chest. Writing it allowed me to get some of my frustrations out. That and a good long cry in the nursery, and I was actually able to fall asleep last night. But it was definitely too generalized and angry, without specifics to give it focus. A little like attaching a fire hose to a hydrant and letting it spray and hit who it may.

What was the impetus behind that tirade? I have come to two realizations. I do not have any friends that I can rely on for support here in my town and I can no longer rely on the fellow Mommy in Mourning that I have been.

I recently got together with a woman that I met in a support group I used to be in. We had our losses at a similar point in time, then began to discover that getting pregnant again would be a trial. Recently, about the time I shared the news of my pregnancy with her, she discovered that she may have a serious medical condition that will prevent her from becoming pregnant again.

While I wasn't showing, she seemed okay to be around me. This is over. The last time we spent together, it was terribly obvious that it was killing her to be near me. I can't say that I was surprised. I was aware that she might feel that way, I completely understand why she would feel that way, and I actually expected it. I guess I hoped that some miracle would occur and I wouldn't have to stop seeing her.

It was totally unfair of me to expect her to feel differently about me than about the women that we watched get pregnant and give birth in the time that we couldn't. Then, I was angry and upset and felt left behind.

I guess that I am just grieving that one more person is out of my life. The number of people that took off at a sprint when our son died is now compounding with people who can't be around me because I am pregnant. I get it. I understand. But I am sad and I am lonely.

I don't have any girlfriends who live near me. Sure, I have friends and family who live halfway across the country that love me via phone and email. But, this morning, when I thought "I will phone someone to have lunch - that will snap me out of this funk." I realized that I didn't have anyone to phone.

I wrote my post yesterday because I was hurt, which came out like anger. It was unfair to the person that it was directed to, and unfair to people that it wasn't directed to. Just know that with the light of a little perspective, I have come to realize that it was me childishly lashing out.

Temper tantrum over.


Catherine said...

You're allowed to lash out. That's what blogs are for. :o)

And it sucks. If anybody "gets it," the people who read your blog do.


Laura said...

All of this sucks so much. I've been grieving my girlfriends like crazy lately--I feel like I have the plague. And I'm eating lunch alone today. I wish that we lived closer. ((hugs)) from me too.

My sentences are very abrupt. That looks a bit like a haiku.

kate said...

yeah, that's what blogs are for. Glad you were able to get it off your chest. All of this sucks.

I would say, don't give up on your friend yet. Maybe you won't be able to get together for awhile, but will be able to email or call. Maybe after your baby is born, and/or is no longer a newborn, you will be able to meet again.

I am sorry that we are not closer, we could meet for coffee! I got plenty to say ;)

Julian's Mom said...

Like the others, I wish we lived closer. I could use a friend to have coffee with. I grieve that they are few and far between since 12/04, and I feel lonely sometimes, too, despite having my daughter and my DH...

Aussie kate said...

I'm with all the other posters - I wish we lived closer together so we could catch up for coffee, a chat, and a hug. Remember, we are always here for you.

Hugs to you and the Babe,

Kate xo

Sarah said...

It sounds like you're in a better place than when you needed to vent your hurt and frustration in the last post.

I understand what you are saying and it does make sense about how her actions hurt you ... maybe not on purpose, but the unavoidable response to your growing belly.

I've also been the 'other' woman... Two of my closest friends got pregnant after Kate died (one found out she was pg the week Kate died, and one is due in two months... the same time i would have been if i got pregnant the first month I was trying). And I have been totally unable to really talk to either of them after they started showing. It haunts me that I feel this way, but I don't know how to 'fix' it. I'd like to think that it either of them had experienced a loss that i would have been able to continue some level of friendship, but i don't know.

I guess i was just thinking that your friend may not want to feel this way, but she may not have control over it.

Yuck... I'm sorry how lonely loss can leave us. I hope you can find someone for lunches... sometimes its amazing how much a little socialization can help.

Lorem ipsum said...

I lost my so-called best friend with my first loss (and still have no one as close in my life). Then others fell away, too. By the time of my third loss, even my in-laws stopped calling. When we saw them, they avoided the subject because they didn't want to 'upset' me. Which meant THEY really didn't want to be upset.

I can only guess that losing a child at term squashes it flat into one big pain and multiplies it by a million. And it's the loneliest feeling.

I'm sorry.