I think perhaps it may be a good idea for me to do some explaining.
Yesterday's post was, in the light of some perspective, way too harsh. I was quite hurt and upset at the time and needed to get those feelings off my chest. Writing it allowed me to get some of my frustrations out. That and a good long cry in the nursery, and I was actually able to fall asleep last night. But it was definitely too generalized and angry, without specifics to give it focus. A little like attaching a fire hose to a hydrant and letting it spray and hit who it may.
What was the impetus behind that tirade? I have come to two realizations. I do not have any friends that I can rely on for support here in my town and I can no longer rely on the fellow Mommy in Mourning that I have been.
I recently got together with a woman that I met in a support group I used to be in. We had our losses at a similar point in time, then began to discover that getting pregnant again would be a trial. Recently, about the time I shared the news of my pregnancy with her, she discovered that she may have a serious medical condition that will prevent her from becoming pregnant again.
While I wasn't showing, she seemed okay to be around me. This is over. The last time we spent together, it was terribly obvious that it was killing her to be near me. I can't say that I was surprised. I was aware that she might feel that way, I completely understand why she would feel that way, and I actually expected it. I guess I hoped that some miracle would occur and I wouldn't have to stop seeing her.
It was totally unfair of me to expect her to feel differently about me than about the women that we watched get pregnant and give birth in the time that we couldn't. Then, I was angry and upset and felt left behind.
I guess that I am just grieving that one more person is out of my life. The number of people that took off at a sprint when our son died is now compounding with people who can't be around me because I am pregnant. I get it. I understand. But I am sad and I am lonely.
I don't have any girlfriends who live near me. Sure, I have friends and family who live halfway across the country that love me via phone and email. But, this morning, when I thought "I will phone someone to have lunch - that will snap me out of this funk." I realized that I didn't have anyone to phone.
I wrote my post yesterday because I was hurt, which came out like anger. It was unfair to the person that it was directed to, and unfair to people that it wasn't directed to. Just know that with the light of a little perspective, I have come to realize that it was me childishly lashing out.
Temper tantrum over.