Monday, September 25, 2006

Is it raining?

Last night I rearranged the nursery around the new bassinet. I can't stay out of that room. I can't do anything productive. I have started and set aside two books that I don't really love (from my list, not yours). My mind is a jumble.

Tomorrow is our mid-term ultrasound.

Maybe all this is real.

Maybe it isn't just a replay of 2 years ago. Why is everything so much the same then? Why is everyone asking me the same questions? Did the last 2 years not happen?

We went to a family wedding this weekend. Tally - 2 "everything is going to be okay this time, don't worry"s and 3 "so only a few more weeks, right?"s (uh, no 4 more months). Not a bad tally, all things considered, and I am now past all family functions for the foreseeable future.

I am nesting like I have 3 more weeks to wait, not 18 or so. A reaction to the fact that we didn't have everything perfectly ready for C's arrival home. I guess I need to have everything ready so that this baby knows that s/he's wanted. So s/he doesn't leave me.

Everyone told us with C. that we would get so many outfits and layettes and blah, blah, blah, don't buy anything, so we didn't. For a moment I considered tallying the money that we have already spent on this baby and decided it would be a bad idea. Suffice it to say that it would be shocking.

I'm not exactly in a bad place right now, but I am not in a good place. A decent night's sleep and a little less work would do wonders for my soul, but I don't know that any of that is going to happen.

Today I am scared and I am sad. I need a break. Or more sunshine. Sigh.


whatthef*ck said...

big sigh for you. hope in one hand, fear in the other.

i think it's great that you are going all out with the decorating and clothes-buying. why let mere terror rob you of the chance to do all of those things? when you have this baby you'll be so glad that you got to do those things like any normal expectant mom.

i shared with emma's mum my friend 's comment to me, maybe you saw it. he said in reference to my abject terror at the thought of being pregnant again, "Go towards the light, CarolAnn. Go towards the light."

This reference only works if you've seen and remember Poltergeist. Anyway, I also have this new friend who recently moved from manhattan and she seems like such a hard-ass New Yorker but in response also to my fear of life right now she said, "Imagine a circle of light around you" or soemthing like that. It surprised me coming from her and it stuck with me.

i dont mean to sound like a preachy new age freak here but after living through such darkness, the light imagery really resonates with me. And it's something that i can actually do.

Much more helpful than "don't worry." duh.

Sarah said...

I hope you can get some sleep tonight and that tomorrow goes well. I'll be thinking about you...

Rosepetal said...

I hope everything goes well for tomorrow (and for the next four months and for the next 30 years)

With my son, I did the opposite, we had everything ready down to a cute fish shaped thermometer for the bath. (Where I live they don't have baby showers as a tradition, so we traipsed around the shops getting the stuff ourselves - which I loved). And, although I'm not pregnant, I think I would do the opposite for the next baby, i.e. not buy anything. Partly because I already have everything but mostly from the same yet opposite fear that you have.

That is annoying, the way people think they know how it's going to work out, even though they certainly didn't last time. It's all with good intentions, just trying to be reassuring but it isn't.

Here's to the next family function with your little one laughing, crying and wriggling at the centre.

kate said...

Yeah, i had the same experience. With Nicolas we didn't buy much of anything, because we had loads of hand-me-down boy things. Plus i didn't start 'nesting' until i was 34 weeks -- literally the day he died was the first day i was cleaning & sorting. And the day before that was the first time i bought *anything at all*. So for Chloe, i bought more, ahead of time. Many people who had 'everything ready', like rosepetal, seem to not do *anything* in the sub pg. It's like we think that whatever we did last time jinxed us! I say, whatever brings you a moment of peace is a good thing to do.

I hope you can get some sunshine and some sleep...

KTP said...

checking in after your ultrasound. i hope everyhting was okay.

kate said...

checking in, like ktp...hope all is well