Saturday, April 22, 2006

Summer in April

Today we had a beautiful summer day. It isn't summer. I appreciate the one day fast-forward. I spent the day in my garden and helping with a home improvement project my husband had undertaken. Tomorrow will be cold again.

We won our first eBay auction. 40 ovulation predictor strips and 10 pregnancy test strips are on their way to us. For $28 Canadian. Why did I resist online purchase for so long? I will be testing like a crazed chemist in a couple of weeks. At least the OPK strips always do something (unlike pregnancy tests).

In a fit of despair, I spent some time with my son's clothes this morning. They are so small. I felt compelled to undo all the snaps and buttons and zippers. And run my hands over and through them. Where his body could have been. I hugged them and held them to my face. I wish we would have dressed him in his clothes in those hours after his birth.

Instead, they wait. Folded in a drawer. Hand-me-downs for a sibling who doesn't exist from a brother who never wore them.

Today I am not happy. I love my husband and I love my cat. Maybe tomorrow will be better.


Laura said...

A hug and a kiss on the cheek from me.

Oh, those baby clothes. I thought that I was going to die the day we packed all those up. I had spent so much time playing with that stuff...I understand.

Sarah said...

The clothes called to me this weekend too. I felt the need to remember what we were planning to use... and now just hope to use.

Aussie Kate said...

Big (((hugs))) to you, I'm sorry you are feeling so low. I hope the day in the garden sun lifts your spirits soon.

kate said...


I hope for a better day for you tomorrow...