Looking Back

The uninitiated think that your troubles disappear when the subsequent baby arrives. Really, that is a horrifying thought. Because the idea that one child can replace another is absurd. And it would be to the uninitiated, too, if they gave it any thought.

But life is different now. I need to try to put that difference in words.

When C. died, I saw my world through the fog of grief. For the first six months, I could barely breathe through it. Every single thought/word/step/action was made in the context of grief. I had a son. He died. My heart thumped out that rhythm over and over.

It was as if I was living on some Newfoundland outcrop, enveloped by that pervasive sea fog. Breath in the dampness. Feel it on your skin. Strain your eyes into that whiteness.

You know that something exists on the other side of the fog, but there is no way for you to reach it. You are frozen in time and place.

As time passed, it was easier to bear. There were good people along side of me, peering off the edge of the cliff into the mist. Maybe it was clearing a bit.

As we went through our year of trying to conceive, it was like a smoggy Toronto day. I could see where I was trying to go. But the thick air still hung around me. It wasn't great, but you can live in Toronto. There are good people there. They can be friendly and caring.

Since BB came into our lives, it is so much easier to see through the fog. More like living in the Prairies. Beautiful sunsets. Wide open vistas. The occasional foggy day.

What this doesn't describe is the intensity of pain that I feel. The intensity hasn't diminished much. What has left is the feeling of walking around in a fog of grief all the time. I have a bit of mental clarity back.

Our second child has given me that gift. The gift of clarity, purpose, and joy in my world that was previously defined by mists of confusion and pain.

A Canadian perspective on my current state of grief as we go into this long Victoria Day weekend.

Back to fun and frivolity

200

I have to admit that I feel the weight of this task quite heavily. My 200th post. I was going to write a silly little post about the amazing cucumber sandwich that I made (with a photo, even), but decided that I should take things a little more seriously and make this one count.

So what I have decided to do is a Thank You post. To all the wonderful women and men in BlogLand that have helped me deal with some ugly sh*t and kept coming back to support me more. Obviously, I can't manage to honour everyone (I just know I am going to make someone feel left out with this... sigh... please don't hate me...). So I will stick to those amazing women who have Been There, Done That. ------->

To the most amazing Mothers (and fathers) I know.

Julian's Mom: Well, frankly, I think that you know that you pulled me through the early stages of grief by the bootstraps. Or maybe we pulled each other. I don't know. But thank god that somehow we managed to connect through this information superhighway. Life is crazy and busy and we don't manage to email as much as we did before. But I definitely think of you, Natalie, Julian and Robert every day.

IMA: You know what I want to say.

Kate: I love that you are so open and caring. I love that you share so much of your experience and empathy with every bereaved mother you come across. I love that you look at pictures of my garden and give me the appropriate oooo's and aaahhh's. You are someone that I call "friend".

Laura: You know that we have a lot in common, beyond this horrible loss. I think of you often and I am holding my breath for your happy ending. You are such a strong woman.

Msfitzita: It is so obvious that you are a writer. You have this amazing talent of distilling your life experience into words in a way that cuts to the heart of it all. Sometimes I can't even manage to leave you a comment because your words say everything. You inspire me in ways you will never imagine.

Catherine: I truly believe that you have saved lives with the words you write in your blog. I truly believe that women who come to your blog, where you so openly share the best and worst emotions in your soul, leave with a sense of belonging. It is like you are in the same room, opening your arms wide and offering a hug. Because you feel our pain just as we feel yours. I think that you are the Blogging world equivalent to our communal best friend.

Sarah: Your honesty regarding your grief and struggles with depression have been a source of great inspiration to me. I have (as much as virtually possible) been riding the highs and lows of your path to this pregnancy. And lordy me! am I counting down the days to your due date! Your comments on my posts have always been so supportive and thoughtful - I only hope that I managed to offer something of the same to you.

dbm - I really doubt you will read this: you are a busy mama! However, for posterity, I want you to know that the day I sat and read your blog from beginning to end was one of the first times that I felt like there was someone in the world that had lived through what I was dealing with. Your honesty and wicked sense of humour connected to my soul in a way you will never know.

Treggles - Good grief, a man writing a blog! It blew my mind. Thank you for your insight on those posts that no one else wanted to comment on. I am so glad that you have gotten your happy ending.

Mad Mommy - in your previous blog, we were treated to amazing new terminology, like "the gd gd" and "m*l*liciousness". Your humanity, your sense of humour, your truth. I think we were/are in it with you 100%. I still look forward to whatever you get around to posting.

Julie: You always take the time to comment and that means so much to me. I am always glad to read your blog, since you are just a little further down the path than I am. I found strength in numbers, since our recent pregnancies were so close in dates. Thank you for always being so thoughtful.

Rosepetal: I hardly know what to tell you. So I will concentrate on the good for the moment. You were so hugely supportive during my pregnancy with BB. I think you are an amazing person. And now, with all of what you face, I hope that I am half the friend to you that you have been to me.

WTF: I doubt anyone was more supportive than you when I was pregnant. You are a crazy gal with a huge heart and quick wit. You always say what you think and I love that. No mincing words from you, thank god. As soon as I have the good news, a little something will be in the mail to you...

Rach: I love that you are so strong in all of your beliefs, yet you manage to be open to the beliefs of those around you. You teach me something every day - be it OCD related, faith related, or mothering related. I love that our boys are so close in age. I don't have to use too much imagination when wondering what A. is like! I think you are a fabulous, open-hearted, wonderful mom.

I think that I have to quit there, before I sprain a finger from all this typing. I chose to highlight these amazing women, which meant that there are literally dozens of others that I left off. There are so many more that I deeply respect: Niobe's profundity, Sherry's courage, Karla's wicked sense of humour, anam cara's perspective... and the amazing, supportive comments from Bronwyn, Lori, Kathy McC, Emma's Mum, mommy2miracles, three minute palaver, Erin, my Australian friend Kate, and everyone else!!!

I hope that all of you who faced Mother's Day without your child(ren) had a peaceful day.

Shades of good.

We went away this weekend to visit relatives and it was good.

The sun is shining and it is 29 degrees out there. Ohhhh, that's good.

And I went on a trip down memory lane yesterday. Not so good (though not really bad).

I stopped by my old place of employment to show off BB. They were great employers, but it was a 80 km commute, with kind of crummy pay and no benefits. So I found a 2 km commute with great pay and great benefits about 5 years ago.

I was introduced to the woman who is doing the job I used to do. I said "pleased to meet you" and she said "we went to school together" in a snotty tone of voice. Like she was annoyed I didn't remember her.

She was in first year when I was in second year. We weren't friends. I doubt we ever had a conversation. And honestly, I was slightly depressed and considering dropping out of school at that time. I didn't go out with friends to meet new people; I stayed in on weekends, went to the library, played dark music and explored the local arts scene. I auditioned for a play*, and was in rehearsal several nights a week.

I felt bad for not remembering her. Then I gave my head a shake and thought why should I remember her? It was 8 years ago. I had my own life at the time. Why do I always feel guilty for not remembering people AND guilty when I expect other people to remember me? What sort of inferiority complex am I dragging around?

So I have decided that I am NOT going to feel guilty about this and I am going to marvel at her ego in being so annoyed at my faulty memory.

And, if you can believe this, she has the audacity to cast snotty, derisive looks at me and be 5 months pregnant with her second child. The nerve.

So that was slightly upsetting. But what hurt even more was remembering the person that I was when I worked there. I spent the drive home doing a little mourning for the person that I was before. I realized that I don't really want to keep going back there to visit, even to have them coo over my perfect baby. Because it just reminds me of NOT visiting 2 years ago. And makes me miss that naivete.

There is a hole in my soul. I live with it, but it doesn't let me forget it is there.


*where I met my husband and life has been sunshine and butterflies ever since... ;)

Spring Has Sprung

Spirea

Snowdrops




Cherry Blossoms


Tulips

What I am Reading (Thanks for the recommendation, K)

So what if this is cheesing out? How often do I post photos, anyway??

Rant continued

I realized what bugged me so much about the below comment. It is not so much a question of "Why would someone say something so insensitive" as it is "Why wouldn't someone say something so insensitive???"

The thing is, we don't talk about death in our society. We don't teach our children what is acceptable and appropriate to say to someone who is grieving the loss of a child/parent/spouse. And that is what frustrates me. How would the quoted person below know that he/she is saying something hurtful? Heck, I might have said the same thing in my previous life.

I think, however, that what not to say is a little more intuitive with other losses. I might be wrong here (feel free to correct me!!). But I would hope that it is obvious NOT to say to a widow "Gee, I am so glad that my husband of 15 years is still with me. Seeing your struggles as a widow make me cherish my husband even more."

I just don't know. Might I have said this, before? Might I mess up and say something equally dumb in the future? I suppose I might. We are none of us perfect.

But we spend so much time teaching our children proper socialization in so many other ways. This is such a missing link.

Is this bad Blogger ettiquette??

**I am about to comment on another Blogger's comment. Bad form. I cannot help myself.**

I just read this comment on a bereaved parent's blog:

Thank you for sharing your struggle with us. I have 2 kids... I can't imagine what my life would be like if I lost them. Reading your thoughts as you journey to find peace in the midst of your sorrow helped me appreciate my children even more.

On behalf of all Bereaved parents everywhere, to the Non-Bereaved:
PLEASE KEEP ANY AND ALL SENTIMENT RELATING TO HOW YOU APPRECIATE YOUR LIVING CHILDREN AWAY FROM OUR FRAGILE SOULS.

Honestly? Do you really think that this is supportive? NO!!!! All it says to me is "nah, nah, na boo boo, I have my kids and you don't, ha, ha." I know you are trying to understand my perspective but OH MY GOD!!!!!!

Preparing the black socks and sandles as we speak...

It seems as though we may soon become the proud owners of an RV!!

We are camping people. Our best childhood memories are based around camping. Our first summer together featured camping (and every summer since). It makes me so happy I want to cry when I think of BB having good camping memories with his family. And maybe a little sibling for him to play with???? (oh, lord, let's stay away from that line of thought!!!)

Our unit may look something like this.

The decision is not final. Let's call it 95% decided. We are financially cautious people as well as camping people.

Seriously. I'm excited.

Happiness

Though I know things are huge and frightening and overwhelming, I am SO thrilled for Catherine.

Depends on where you're sitting

I went to hear a naturopathic doctor speak last night. I am not really a "crunchy granola type", but several young moms were going to be there. And I am on a quest to meet some people. So I went.

It was fine. I have a pretty good filter for things that I think are crap or impractical. For example, he insists that we should only drink or bathe in water without chlorine in it, in case it is absorbed through the skin. Excuse me, but how do you propose I do that? The water that comes out of our tap is chlorinated and the chlorine is why we can live in this part of the world and not die of water-borne diseases. Shall I call the Culligan man every time I want to have a shower? And I can't afford organic food and I'm not entirely convinced it is so much better for me anyway....

Well, I didn't buy his line completely (though I agree we should eat whole foods and avoid processed foods as much as possible).

What really got me was how he tried to use guilt and scare tactics to convince us to change our ways. That studies* have shown that the layers of umbilical cords contain toxins (not that it is your fault, Mommy). That if we don't shape up, we are killing ourselves, our babies, our children.

He dropped the "killing our babies" phrase like a bombshell. I wanted to snort derisively in his face. Frankly, that doesn't scare me. I know more about dead babies than you will ever, ever know. And organic food has nothing to do with why my son is dead. Now piss off.

And there I sat, alone in my internal rant, surrounded by nodding heads.


*I loved how he pandered around the phrase "studies have shown" and made no reference to the number of studies nor to who performed the studies. Just "studies".

On a lighter note...

Just in case you are wondering, the DVDs sitting on my entertainment unit right now include (in no particular order):

1. Sense and Sensibility
2. Happy Feet
3. Spellbound
4. Strictly Ballroom
5. About a Boy
6. The Parent Trap (1961)
7. Baby Einstein
8. Love Actually
9. How to use your baby sling DVD
10. Dear Frankie
11. Office Space
12. Saint Ralph
13. Flushed Away
14. Pride and Prejudice (2005)
15. Miracle on 34th Street (1947)

Not to say that these are my favourites of all time (though a few are...)

How about you?

A little tired of it all

Honestly, where I live (which is rather conservative in it's mindset), abortion is just not the hot button issue it seems to be in the USA. It's there, and people talk about it, but legislators and politicians barely talk about it at all. I think all Canadians know that the Conservative Party is generally against abortion, the Liberals are for, but when it comes to winning elections, regional concerns are so much more important (i.e. softwood lumber, oil, farming conditions, the Quebec question, the fisheries). The environment is now rated as the #1 issue for Canadians (last poll I heard on the CBC) and health care is a close second.

Yet, I feel inundated by this war that is raging (especially online) with regards to abortion. And people that I really care about are facing termination decisions. People who really want their babies. People who may make a termination choice because they feel that it is the right thing for their family, not because it makes their lives any easier. I cannot pass judgement on these people that I care about because life dealt them a shitty hand and they have to make a horrifying choice.

I respect everyone has a right to their own opinion. I am just tired of the personal, mean, and spiteful nature of the discourse.

I hate abortion as a means of birth control: it is unfathomable. But I have nothing but respect for anyone who faces a choice regarding termination for medical reasons, regardless of which choice they make. I am proud of Rach for choosing Lu and I am proud of Cecily for choosing to let her boys go to allow Tori to enter the world.

All we can do is what is right for our families.

I don't need a bunch of hateful comments about this post, either, so I am disabling comments.

Please go do this

http://babylossdirectory.blogspot.com/2007/04/friday-blog-roundup-coming-soon-but-in.html

Promises

When I clicked on Athena's blog, Held by Natalie Grant began playing on Athena's play list. Of course, I am familiar with the song (there are so few songs about this type of loss).

The frustrating thing is that it is so hard not to believe that "the promise" was to be protected from this kind of hurt. Maybe that's what I need to let go of.

Home Alone

Spending my days with my boy brings me great joy. However, because he still sleeps so much, I have come to realize this: I have no friends. Well, no friends that live in my city. I know, I know, I've complained about this before. But when I was working, it wasn't a really big deal. I had enough work aquaintences to visit with that I didn't want to go out and hang out with anyone in the evenings. I am missing my friend, a SAHM, who moved away last year. We had planned on spending many days together with our kids before C. was born. Then he died and she moved away. Glum, glum, glum. It makes me feel really lonely, sometimes.

So if it seems like I have too much time on my hands for online relationships, well, it's because I do have too much time on my hands.

(Ignoring the messy house and the take out meals, of course...)

I am tired of myself

When is the jealousy going to end? I just looked at photos of my cousin and her daughter on my family's website. All I could think was: my cousin looks fat - good, I hope she doesn't lose the weight... the baby looks like she's crying - good, I hope she's a cryer... what an ugly dog... the baby's face looks all squishy, not like my perfect boy's face... I can't believe they live with her parents...

Etc. etc.

I hate my stupid jealousy. It's just so boring to be so twisted and disgusting all the time.

Stuck? A little.

My grief counsellor called to check in today. She and I are friendly (she knew my husband before we ever went to her for help). We had a nice little visit - it was good to check in.

When she asked me how things were going and how I was doing, I just said we were doing well. Which is fine - it's true. But with regards to my grief: it is still there. Obviously. She knows that, and I know that.

How many times can you really say the same thing? I miss C. And I stare at his brother, sometimes, and wonder how alike they would have been. The same? Polar opposites?

I look at that sweet, chubby, peach-fuzzy, little cheek and I remember staring at another such cheek.

But, then, she already knows that. I've said it all before.

How many times can you really say the same thing over and over and not have it sound boring and redundant?

So There

So, I said f*** all the advice (my darling mother has been full of it...) and we went to a new sleep routine, cold turkey. As of Friday night, BB has a bath, goes to bed between 7:00 and 8:00 p.m. I pick him up at nurse him at 11:00 (he doesn't really wake) and then he wakes me up at 4:00 a.m. (I am hoping that extends a couple of hours soon). We get up for the day around 8:00 a.m. He naps twice or 3 times in the day, for around an hour.

Touch wood, this has worked for us so far. We never really had a "routine" established until now - I just did whatever he wanted. This is better. He doesn't get overtired and I know (a little) what my day will be like.

I still hate those J&J people. But being pissed off at them made me take action and establish a routine.

And, by the way, if I swaddle those crazy, swinging arms of his and turn on soft music, he falls asleep on his own in his crib.

Hell hath no fury like a Mommy scorned.

Losing sleep over it

Well, I am working on BB's sleep habits. He has always been a late to bed, late to wake kind of guy. Our typical bedtime is 12:00 a.m. and he usually sleeps through until 11:00, getting up 3-4 times to nurse. He sleeps for a 6-8 hour stretch, then for shorter periods.

I am hoping to get him to bed earlier and get up earlier. So I went to this website when I saw an add for it on TV. It told me that he is getting too much sleep and that his sleep is disrupted. Actually, there is no problem with his sleep, he just goes to bed too late. But it made me feel guilty and like a bad mom. Like I am trying to get him to sleep so that I don't have to care for him or something.

I know that every mom goes through the constant struggle of "what is the right thing for my baby?". Some babies sleep more, some less. But I wonder if I might have an inordinate amount of stress over BB's care. I have already failed one child, in the worst of ways; I can't bear the thought of failing him, too.*

Then I just got mad. There is a whole industry that is based on this Mom-guilt that every woman carries with her. The TV add implied that this website would help me, which made me go to the website, which directed me to the "sleep solution" portion of the site, which did NOT offer advice, but rather told me that I am doing things wrong. Then suggested that I buy their products for BB's bedtime routine.

So here I am, feeling like a crappy mom, trying to convince myself that I am not, and it was all just an advertising scheme. No one benefited from this transaction except for J&J. And I don't appreciate their company using my emotions to make them money.

By the way, I aim for 15 hours of sleep, total, for BB in a 24 hour period. Not too much sleep for a 3 month old, according to the recommendations from public health. So J&J can stick that in their pipe and smoke it!

*Yes, I know that it wasn't my fault - that doesn't change anything. I couldn't save C. and that was a failure.

Why?

Recently, a friend at my local Babyloss support group revealed that she is pregnant. Today she discovered that her baby has the same genetic disorder that killed her second child - a condition that is not compatible with life. This very much loved, desired, and prayed for pregnancy will be ended early next week.

Please extend your prayers/thoughts to my friend as she and her family face this horrible tragedy.

If you have any suggestions for how I can help my friend, please share them with me. My heart is breaking for her and there is so little I can do.

I'm so boring!

Notice: I have had one comment in a week. Thanks, Rosepetal!

Now, I will go away and pout... ;)

Same old?

Well, most of our family came to support us as we had BB baptised this weekend. It was stressful, as company always is. And I feel very vulnerable right now, so I have spent the most of the time since their departure second guessing what happened this weekend and worrying that I did something to insult someone.

Our house is tiny, so my parents stayed at a hotel. I worry that they are annoyed about that, even though it was sort of my mom's idea. I worry that they didn't get enough time with BB and are mad at me about that. I worry that I didn't thank people enough for making the trip and for the gifts that they got for our little man. I worry that the grandparents are annoyed that they didn't get to hold BB in church, since I was out for half the service changing his diapers and trying to get him to nurse (P.S. Even though the little black dress looked good for the pictures, it was a bad idea - I had to remove the whole thing in order to nurse, which meant it wasn't happening in a pew). And I am really worried that my mom is mad at me because when she went to get BB out of his crib when he was fussing, I snapped at her and told her to leave him alone (he often falls back to sleep).

When I write it all out like that, it seems like a ridiculous list of worries. But time with my family had never been easy. And I cannot rely on my family to forgive my list of foibles unconditionally, though I do believe that is what they should do if they love me. So I sit here, rather torn inside, hiding from the telephone. Maybe if I wait a few days to call them, they will stop hating me (I have no reason to believe that they hate me.). I wonder if I always was this fragile or if it has grown out of my grief.

The baptism itself was lovely. BB was relaxed. When she poured the water over his head, he whimpered a few times and let out one squawk and was happy after that.

But my heart has been in a delicate place in the last few weeks. We went to take Easter decorations to the cemetery and I cried as we drove up to C's grave. I haven't done that in a long time. We go there so often, and I usually find it to be a calming place. I had moments throughout the last few days where the longing for C. was so strong that I could barely contain it. In the shower. Walking through the grocery store. Watching our family and community gather around his brother in celebration. There were moments that were almost too much to bear.

If at all possible, I think about C. more since his brother arrived in our house. Probably because BB gives me a benchmark for comparison. There are moments when I see such resemblance between my boys. It is causes my heart to thrill and to ache with pain and with joy. I almost hope that BB never knows what I think when I look at him. Because, even though he is completely his own person, it is impossible for me to resist wondering about C. when I see how BB looks and acts and is.

In a related note, I am SO proud of my husband. The other day a mutual acquaintance made some insensitive, ridiculous comment to him and he actually said something back to him - something I have often fantasized about saying myself. He's my hero.

Quick one

If you haven't heard about the collapse of the MISSing Angels Bill in New Mexico, go here. As a human, I am outraged. As a Canadian, I can't do anything about it. If you can, stick it to the Governor.

If you haven't read msfitzita's Friday Blog Roundup yet, it is amazing (no surprise). She managed find a common current that we can all ponder, discussing the theme of Scars.

Easter went well. We had BB baptised, with loads of company visiting. I will describe more soon, and why I was near tears most of the day today.

Why so many?

I was just adding more blogs to the Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Blog Directory and I was proudly proof-reading the blog roll. How wonderful that so many people have agreed to be part of this project!

Then it hit me - how awful it is that we all have reason to be part of it.

And my stomach heaved.

More baptism stuff

Thank you for all of your supportive and thought provoking comments. I appreciate each and every one.

First, I absolutely believe that if there is a heaven, that babies and children go there automatically, regardless of baptism or not.

It is funny, though, how sometimes all the missing back-story can affect how people read your blog. For example, I am not angry with my clergy for how we were treated when C. was born. In fact, our priest has been one of the most supportive of all the people around us. Though she was not permitted to baptise C., she got a baptismal candle for him anyway. She prayed with us the night he was born. She spent the time between his birth and funeral constructing the perfect funeral ceremony for us and for him (researching different types of services that our church uses all over the world). She prayed with us in the year that we couldn't get pregnant. And she speaks C.'s name freely and respectfully in a way that few people do.

I think that the way that we have been cared for by this amazing woman has gone a very long way to keeping me plugged in with our church and with faith. And I sort of look at things like this - everyone makes mistakes. I happen to think that my church's position of not baptising stillborn babies is a (huge) mistake. But when I consider the grace and peace that has been brought into our lives from this one representative of our church, I can partially forgive that failing of tradition.

I have faced a crisis of faith over C.'s death, to be sure. However, it really began quite some time ago. A grew up in a church that I will refer to as Tradition A, a traditional, liturgy based church. My husband grew up in Tradition B. The two are so closely related that I would think of them as fraternal twins. However, Tradition B was much more accepting of me than Tradition A was of my husband. We now participate in Tradition B.

Honestly, I am much more comfortable in Tradition B. However, it is awfully confusing when the theologies (though they are incredibly similar) seem to contradict. For example, baptism is looked at as an atonement for original sin in one, while it is seen as a process of initiation in the other. I would say that I am still learning about both Tradition A and B.

Both traditions practice infant baptism, where the parents take the vows of baptism on behalf of the child. The child will then confirm these promises when he reaches an age of understanding.

All this to say: it has been really good for me to be thinking all of the implications and understanding of both traditions as I try to reach some sense of direction when it comes to faith.

House

Well, I hope none of the rest of you kept the TV on after American Idol. Tonight's episode of the medical drama House was almost too much to bear. I shouldn't have watched it, but I did. I can't even really comment about what it did to me. I bawled - for all of us who don't have miracles of medicine save our babies, and for those of us who do.

Limbo

We will be having BB baptised over the Easter holiday. It will be an important milestone for me. Something that didn't happen with C.

As I was labouring with C., the nurses kept asking us if we wanted to call our families. We kept saying "no" - we needed time to assimilate the information that our baby was dead for a few hours before we called our parents to tell them their grandchild was dead. Also, it was a work day and my labour was not progressing really quickly, so it seemed silly to pull them out of work to sit outside L&D and cry. We called them just after suppertime. They were all there when C. was born.

The other question that was put to us was if we wanted to call our clergy. We gave the nurses the information and our priest was called. When C. was born, it was my request that he be baptised. It was then that I was informed that stillborn babies are not baptised. Essentially, the thought is that the soul has already left the body so it isn't possible to commit the soul of the baby to a life with Jesus Christ.

I understand the theology. But that was one of the hardest pieces of information that I had to digest (after "there is no heartbeat", of course). I don't believe in the concept of limbo (and I know that many theologists abandoned the notion long ago), but it niggles at the corner of my mind even now. I just wanted someone from the clergy to splash some water on my son's head and commit him to God. So that I could have some hope of being with him again in the future*.

What I do know is that there is a whole lot of theology that is poorly understood by lay people (me), and it gets watered down in a way that makes it scary and hurtful for a parent of a child who "died within the womb".

So, as we seriously and hopefully take the vows of baptism on behalf of BB this weekend, I know that my thoughts will likely stray to the vows we didn't take on behalf of his brother.


*following this line of theological thinking, as a baptised adult, I will either go to heaven or hell... or even (the also abandoned) purgatory

?????

Here is an interesting thought:

What if my diminished relationship with God has more to do with my disastrous relationship with my mother (who I can't trust emotionally) than with God?

The person who asked me that question has blown my mind - and left me with a lot to think about.

Return to sender

Please Note:

The PO Box that I aquired before BB was born will no longer be mine come Saturday. Just so you know...

:)

Can you help promote?

First of all, I really want to thank all of the wonderful women that are helping to establish the Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Blog Directory, especially kate, Julian's Mom, and msfitzita.

Several of you have offered to become contributors - Thank You! I am hoping that once we get things established, we can have guest contributors that post to the site on a montly basis. Please know that if you've offered, we will eventually contact you.

Please, if you could, it would be a great help if you did a wee bit of advertising on your blog to promote this resource. These types of things are always organic in nature - you never know who will use them. But a little bit of promotion would go a long way to make this a helpful gathering place for our community.

Scrambled Brains

I am F'd up. My younger cousin was 3 days past her due date. I was freaking out. Post-date pregnancies are horrifying to me, even though I've never been there. I know the statistics.

The baby arrived safely on Saturday. For which I am grateful. However, relief quickly turned to jealousy and envy. I am resentful that she gets to keep her first baby and I did not.

Nothing I can do to change that set of conflicting, opposite emotions. But I feel those two parts of my psyche warring against each other and it makes me feel like a lunatic.

Goodbye and Good Riddance

The summer after C. was born, I threw myself into redoing my front yard. Most of the plants I installed were chosen for a sentimental reason. Like the phlox that was named "Baby Eyes".

I took much of my inspiration from my neighbour (who lost a child to CF). This neighbour had a beautiful Memory Garden and a beautiful home. During that time they moved away.

A young family moved in. They had a 6 month old. When I worked in my garden I could hear the baby cry. It cut me to the soul. I hated that family.

In a bid to try NOT to hate them, we walked over and introduced ourselves when they were out in the yard one evening. I asked what they were going to do with the yard, since it wasn't child friendly. They didn't know. I told them that I would remove the plants for them if they decided they didn't want them.

This summer they tore out the Memory Garden. Everything went to the dump, including the incredibly expensive cedar fence. It made me sick for SO many reasons. They have, in effect, destroyed any of the charm that their property had.

Today Century 21 came and put up a sign on their lawn. They won't be missed.

Not so easy

This makes me crazy. We asked and asked and asked for ultrasounds to determine the location of BB's cord in utero and all we got were blank stares. The u/s tech told us that she couldn't do it on her machine and that we couldn't just ask her to look for cord location. Our doctor would have to tell her to look for it on the ultrasound requisition.

When we asked our doctor to write said requisition, all she put was "check cord". So the u/s tech would do the Doppler flow and that was it. It was a never-ending cycle of insanity. I finally gave up.

BB was born with 2 loose loops of cord around his neck. Thanks for helping us manage that risk.

Things that OBs and u/s techs believe:

• umbilical cord accidents don't repeat (not true)
• you can't track umbilical cords with ultrasound (not true)
• you shouldn't listen to the patient when she is telling you to check for something (ridiculous - who did more research into cord accidents, my OB or me?)

At the end of this CTV piece, the couple urges pregnant women to ask for a scan for vasa previa. Um, actually, it won't be that easy. Trust me, I made myself sick over asking for "location of cord" scans and NOBODY helped me with that.

Unless the local health district makes vasa previa screening a mandatory part of it's obstetrical ultrasound protocol and then trains it's ultrasound techs, it ain't gonna happen.

Here we go...

Okay. I have set up a blog for listing Babyloss blogs and for posting helpful resources. My goal is to have a central location for our community to share information and to be a starting point for someone who is journeying this terrible path.

http://babylossdirectory.blogspot.com/

Anyone out there smart enough about these things to create some custom graphics for us?

Please check out the site. If you would like to list your blog, please contact one of the Contributors listed on the sidebar. If you are interested in becoming a contributor, please let me know.

I have an idea

So I was lying awake (can you believe that I am sleepless sometimes despite brain numbing tiredness???), and it came to me: as far as I know, there is no easy way for someone who has just experienced the loss of a baby to find other blogs about miscarriage, stillbirth, and/or infant death.

So here is my idea: start a Babyloss Directory blog. The left sidebar could host a blogroll of anyone who wants to be listed. The right sidebar could list helpful resources, like websites and books dealing with Babyloss. The posts could be a place to list new releases, medical journal articles, upcoming television shows, etc.

I would start this blog and ask for volunteers to help maintain it (especially someone with more technical knowledge than I have!).

My question is this: is this a good idea? Or is it redundant? Does something like this already exist?

As Frank Barone would say: "Holy Crap!"

Oprah is doing a show on loss of a baby. Wait, was that a pig flying by?

https://www.oprah.com/plugger/templates/BeOnTheShow.jhtml?
action=respond&plugId=256500001

You should see my celebratory dance - it's pretty cool!

Hoping this starts something

http://www.theage.com.au/articles/2007/03/17/
1174080223513.html

I have no opinion on whether or not negligence was involved in this particular stillbirth case, however, if it became a worldwide standard for a coroner's inquest to happen in all cases of stillbirth, well, I would probably cry for joy.

I am tired of being ignored.

Tough one

2 month immunizations - CHECK.
Mommy and Daddy nearly cried, too - CHECK
Our little love crying harder than he ever has before - CHECK
Mommy whipping out a booby to make him feel better - CHECK

Why, oh why, can't they put all of the vaccine in one syringe? Poor little dude has two holes in his legs :(

Book List

I just read and would recommend:

The Great Gatsby - F. Scott Fitzgerald
Piece of Work - Laura Zigman
Anil's Ghost - Michael Ondaatje

Listening to The Notebook (N. Sparks) on CD. Almost to the end. Enjoying, but not sure what the huge deal is/was.

Comments?

Obsessing over the details

I have been mulling a number of things over for a while now, waiting for the oppertunity to write a decent post.

First: whether or not to try for another child.

I know I already lamented the insanity of the world around me that is already making comments about "the next one". But the thought is rather consuming. In that, if I were to make a final and permanent decision that we would NOT try another pregnancy, there is a whole lot of housecleaning that I could do. Pass on BB's newborn duds, my maternity clothes, etc. And it would actually allow me to visualize what our family's future might look like.

But I have to admit that I am totally undecided on the issue. When I am completely truthful with myself, I think that we probably will try to have another living child. I feel like we owe it to BB to have a sibling in the house that he can grow up with (rather than just a gravesite that he can visit). For him, I think that I could take the chance again. For myself, I don't think I could.

Going into our pregnancy with C., it was all about us: taking our two lives and combining them in a way that was our legacy. A child that would meld us into a family, two souls combined. All of that romantic kind of thought. Going into BB's pregnancy, it was more about desperation that we would never experience the joy of raising a child in our house. It wouldn't cancel out any of the tears that we continue to cry for C, but it would bring its own unique joy - to be able to raise a child.

Why would be the purpose of a third pregnancy? Assuming that it would result in a live birth (!), it could only possibly be for BB. And for FutureKid. So that they would have each other. I can't imagine my life without my siblings (rose coloured glasses blinding me to all the times I could have strangled them...). Theoretically, BB and FutureKid would be there for each other when we no longer could be.

I tried to explain a little of this to my parents recently. Since they were amoung the people who were teasing us about having another baby. All I really wanted for a response was an affirmation that they understood that it was our decision to make and that they would support us in whatever we chose to do. Instead, I was assured that I would change my mind and have more children (so easy, right? just decide and it happens) and that they were told they shouldn't have more after I was born and that it was too important to them, so they did anyways. Not once did they validate what I had expressed - that I currently didn't anticipate ever going through another pregnancy.

My relationship with my mother has been poor (to put it mildly) for months. This doesn't help things. She begs me to share my emotions with her, then she discredits them when I do. Remind me not to fall for that anymore.


Secondly: oh, the griefs we can grieve

I spend hours, sometimes, staring at BB. Memorizing all the unique things that make him who he is. I wish that I could say that my thoughts are about him alone. But much of my time is also spent wondering if any of his traits are similar to what his brother's might have been. Would C. have gotten the hiccups so often? would they have had similar temperments? did C. have his grandma's tounge and his dad's toes, too?

There were so many physical aspects of C. that we just didn't know to look for. We remember that he did have attached earlobes, but what were his toenails like? His lips were like mine - would he have looked like me when he smiled (BB does, a little)?

And what would he have been like with his little brother? Born almost two years apart, exactly. Would he have been tired of the noisy little being that was taking all of his mom's attention?

My thoughts drift to C. more and more - yet he feels so far away from us. That distance seems to have increased exponentially in the last two months. And that surely hurts.


------

BB goes for his first immunizations tomorrow. How hard that will be on the Mommy and the Daddy! He will get booby whenever he asks tomorrow, that's for sure.

BTW, any suggestions for dealing with an overactive milk-ejection reflex? I spray milk down his throat, he chokes and tries to pull away without letting go of my nipple. OOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!! Current techniques include: nursing laying back in a recliner, taking him off and expressing when he starts to choke, making sure he is sitting up when he nurses. Any other ideas?

Thanks for sharing your experiences with the dreaded # of children question. It always helps when I compare notes. Makes me feel normal, a little.

And thanks for reading this - assuming anyone still reads!

P.S. I bet you didn't know that Barenaked Ladies have a song about grieving...

Road Trip

We did our first big roadtrip to visit relative this week. A 500 kilometer trip that would normally take just over 5 hours to drive. We did it in a mere 10 (!) hours. Including travelling 50 kilometers in the wrong direction and a flat tire that had to be replaced at midnight at an afterhours tire shop (thank god for CAA).

I was going to write a really long post but it is 16 degrees C out there. We have summer days that aren't this warm! I am putting BB in the stroller and we are hitting the pavement!

Can you believe it?

So, remember when my GP referred me to the only RE in our area? The letter arrived in the mail this week. My appointment to see this RE is scheduled for the end of JUNE. Yes, well, my son will be 6 months old by then.

Any Canadian readers will have heard about the wait lists in our medical system ad-nauseaum. Other readers - how's that for prompt consultation? Typical of free health care, I'm afraid.

I am saving the letter. Maybe to show BB some day. To think: if we were still waiting to see the RE, we would have spent over two years "trying" without even a consultation.

One more reason that I give thanks for BB every day. Our chance.

Tomorrow I will call and cancel and open up my spot on the list.

Who knows where it comes from?

I have to admit that I was secretly patting myself on the back. Looks like I did some great grief-work in the past two years: I was handling the mommy thing really well. And the time I was spending with BB wasn't making me mourn for C. any more than a trip to the grocery store might. Nope, no "re-grieving" for me.

Apparently, it was just delayed. Delayed until the moment when I ran out of clean, fancy sleepers for BB. And I reached into the back of the drawer and pulled out one of the ones I bought for C. Now, BB wears his brother's hand-me-downs every day. No big deal, right? And this sleep is kind of ugly - ugly colours and pattern. I only bought it because it was gender neutral and on sale. I put it on BB. And I started to cry.

As ugly as it is, it is warm and it is snugly. When I pick up BB in it, he cuddles in to my chest. And I didn't get to do that with C. Not once. The sleeper that he never wore.

That was last night. Today, when BB was happily playing with me on couch, I had this overwhelming feeling that C. was jealous and that I shouldn't be playing so happily with BB. And I felt guilty. Then I felt guilty for feeling guilty. I think it is hard enough for a mom to balance her love between two living children - at least you can make some attempt to explain to the older one that you still love him, even though the younger is getting your attention right now. You can't do that when your oldest is dead.

So there you have it. Not so care-free. The emotions that I expected, but thought I had dodged, are there after all. I love BB. I love C. I miss my oldest and feel guilty that I am torn between him and my youngest.

Not much to do about it other than ride it out. It's all more complicated all the time, isn't it?



P.S. For those who have gone on to have a subsequent baby, how do you answer questions about your kids? I am trying to prepare an answer to those questions so that I am not caught off guard when they come.

Ol' Leaky Boobs

Someone smells like milk and I think its me.

Time for a shower?


Now, back to our regularly scheduled book recommendations (see below).

I read when I feed

I hate TV. In a bid to not watch it, I am rediscovering my local library. I am again looking for novel recommendations. I have exhausted the list in the sidebar, as far as my library is concerned. And I am trying to buy fewer books - I am a book addict.

So, the criteria? Good novels. Not really into thrillers or mysteries much. I like British humour. I love a good romance (if not too gaggy, if you know what I mean).

Current items on hold at my library (on your recommendation):

Blinding light
by Theroux, Paul.

Piece of work
by Zigman, Laura.

Wish you were here
by Brown, Rita Mae.

Whew...

Had a rough few nights there... I think BB may have been hitting a growth spurt. A normally happy baby became fussy and hungry all the time. Last night was much better, with BB sleeping for about 5 1/2 hours. What a relief - I feel like a new person.

BB is gaining really well - about 3/4 lb a week. He is approaching the 11 lb mark. I have a friend whose preemie is 6 months old and 14 lbs. BB will catch up to that quickly!

The weirdest thing is this - when he is fussy, the best way to calm him is by playing loud techno music. Actually, anything with a strong beat. Then we dance to the beat with him, or even rock in the rocking chair, and he will usually fall asleep immediately. What a weird kid!

-----

I went out to buy envelopes and, of course, BB woke up and decided he was ravenously hungry when we were standing in line to pay. When I got to the front of the line, I was a little on edge - he was in full out wailing mode at that point. The check-out girl gushed and asked all the typical questions. Then she said, "So do you just have the one?"

I answered yes. Whenever anyone asks how many I have, I always include C. But, I looked at the semantics of the question this time. I only have BB. I don't have C. - that's the crux of the thing. That's what I grieve for every day. So I was annoyed that I was asked the question (why is it any of her business - yes, yes, she is being "nice" and chatty). But I didn't feel guilty about not mentioning C. Because I don't have him. I had him.

And isn't that the saddest part of it all?

Off my chest...

Okay, life is great. I am sleep deprived and stupid, but BB is the most wonderful child ever born. So, no real complaints.

I am thinking about a lot of stuff (3 a.m. feedings will do that to you). So I am going to try and get them out of my brain, hopefully quickly while BB sleeps.

-----
Laugh now - I thought that I would be able to do more while BB slept. HA HA HA! I bet every woman fools herself into that. BB is an excellent sleeper - I can't even imagine life with colic.

------
I just got an email from work. It seems as though my department will be undergoing an audit in the coming months - I won't be there, hooray! However, I noticed that the resumes of the auditors were attached and one was that of a person I went to school with. So, curious, I looked at it. It seems as though I am listed as a reference. No, I was never asked. No, I would not give her a reference, if asked. I am furious.

My anger goes further than this issue. We were once friends. That ended 2 years, one month, and one week ago. When this person heard through the grapevine that C. had died and she decided SHE needed to inform everyone that I went to school with. She sent an email out to a mailing list of people informing them of our "news". The information was incorrect. One of my real friends received it, and sent a correction email, after informing me of what had happened.

This woman sent the email for one reason only - for the GLORY of delivering bad news. She was showing off. It made her look like she was a caring person involved in my life (not true). I have not spoken to her even ONCE since C. was born. Yep - she is a bitch and I hate her. She is not caring or empathetic, she is just a gossip.

This burns at me every time I think of her. I think about all sorts of horrible things to say to her, if I ever am in the same room as her again. I know too much about her past - I am armed with all sorts of horrible knowledge that I could use against her. I don't think that I would be a big enough person to pass up the opportunity of hurting her the way she hurt me. Or at least, trying to hurt her that badly.

Sadly, we were close once. Good thing I won't have to attend this audit.

-----
I find myself sitting feeding in the middle of the night, thinking through all the intimate details of C.'s death and the immediate aftermath. Planning the funeral. What it felt like to push him out. What it felt like to hold him in my arms. It just washes over me.

I don't have the mental energy to devote to my grieving, so it hides around corners and blindsides me. And I essentially missed C's birthday, what with being in labour and all. I don't regret that. Did I mention that BB's umbilical cord was wrapped (loosely, mind you) around his neck? Yeah. Glad we stuck to the plan of early induction. Very glad that the nurses delayed upping the pitocin so that BB was born the day after his brother's birthday. Still, I wish that I had been able to devote my mind and energy to marking that day for C. Though, when that line turned pink in May, we knew that our January was going to be very different. I look forward to BB joining us in next year's celebration of that day.

----
Things with my mother have improved slightly. There are things in her own life that she is starting to deal with, so the stress is a little less for her. Nonetheless, I have to deal with pussyfooting around her "feelings" all the time. I hurt her all the time, because I am so insensitive. Frankly, my patience for her is wearing thin. I am used to treading softly around her - that has been our relationship for my whole life. However, the more I think about it, the more I think that SHE should be somewhat respectful of the stress and hormones and fear that I have dealt with through this subsequent pregnancy. And she just doesn't get it. She thinks that I should have confided in her, basically since C. died. Reminding myself that she is one of the worst offenders when it comes to telling me that my grief responses are inappropriate and that I should "get over it" or "cut people some slack" when they say hurtful things. Yeah. She has never been and will never be my confidante.

The good news is that she hasn't made any disturbing phone calls recently. The bad news is that I doubt that much more time will pass before that call does come.

----
I am so late on this Dear Abby thing. I am sure, from reading blogs and message boards, etc. that Ms. Abby understands our point of view. Frankly, if it is okay for people to have photos of their kids in their cubes, then it is okay for ANY of their kids. Policy has to apply equally to all. Living kids okay? Then dead kids okay, too. Besides, the idiot who wrote the letter was obviously totally self-involved, even though she claimed to understand that the woman "felt sad".

Since I didn't write to Abby, I want to congratulate all of you who did.

----
I hate TV. I watch it while I feed BB. Why? It sucks. So I watched Love Actually the other day on DVD instead. Seen it lately? If no, then rent it. I cried the whole time because there was so much beauty in it.

----
I have to decide if I am going to my high school reunion. God. It just terrifies me. How many kids do you have? Is this your first? From the 60 other people I graduated with, which feels like about a million years ago. And, frankly, it is still all a popularity contest, isn't it? You can live your life as a normal adult human being when you are living your life, but go back to high school? It's going to be who is successful, who is fat, who is happy, who is gay, etc. There are a few people that I would love to see. But the deadbaby specter that I live with adds a dimension of fear to this decision that I am not sure that I want to face.

----
We took BB to church today for the first time. He was quite the rock star. The average age of our congregation is probably 70, so all the Oldies are totally enamoured by him. Besides the fact that he is totally amazing.

There were kids there from a local bible college who asked to see him. They asked if he was our first, I said no. They didn't ask the typical follow-up questions, so they didn't get the deadbaby answer they weren't expecting. They don't know how lucky they were to sidestep that one, hey?

----

So there you have it. All the stuff bouncing in my head. Now, I am thrilled to go deal with some poopie.

That time of year again?

So the Grammys are on. The Police. Oh my god. Need I really say more? Those of us of a certain age were devastated when they broke up for good. And cling to those reunion performances. IMHO, they were just as good and edgy as they were 25 years ago.

I have a lot to blog about. However, my parents were here all weekend and my husband has been vomiting all day. BB needs to wake, be changed, and eat.

Congrats to Julie!!! I am so late with that :) This round of subsequent pregnancies is just about over, with mostly good results. Thank God for that.

Thanks to those who sent gifts for BB. You know who you are. The gifts we received from fellow Bloggers are pretty precious to us.

Sigh...

Today I received a super-cute outfit in the mail from an intern that worked for our company last year. It was hard to have her around last year - she was pregnant and due right around the anniversary of C.'s due date. It made me nauseous to see her walking around all pregnant and glowing and happy, but I think that I did okay in treating her nicely despite her pregnancy.

A long letter accompanied her gift. I didn't get to read it until later this evening. Basically, she was reaching out to me after having lost her twin daughters at 17 weeks. Acardiac twins - Twin A's heart gave out because it couldn't support the needs of both of the babies. She had the ultrasound the same day at BB was born.

I will likely call her tomorrow. She was someone who didn't have a clue - though she did try to be sympathetic about C's death. Now, sadly, she knows.

Why did she have to learn this lesson, too?

Um... yeah

Public health professionals keep asking me if I feel blue. Or if I have cried at random things. Yes, I understand that they are trying to keep a handle on the possibility of post-partum depression. But, frankly, I had a dead baby 2 years ago. I live in a world where I sometimes feel blue and cry at random things. This is not a hormonal response but a life existence. I've been on my gaurd for depression for two years and I continue with vigilance.

My mother has continued the dysfunctional-relationship saga with a morning phone call. The absurdity of it all strikes me again and again. This time her request is that we "fix things". If we just talk things out. Oh, give me a break. The poor, delusional woman has this image in her mind that we will be the two Lorelei’s if we just sit down for a heart-to-heart. Sadly, in this nice little place where I live called "the REAL world", three-odd decades of dysfunction are not resolved by having one little conversation. I wish that we could sit down and talk out our differences, but the likelihood of that coming to pass is incredibly slim.

Really, what I think she wants is to stop feeling badly. If we could patch this thing up to the point where we can carry on like two people who like each other, maintaining decorum and dignity, we would be in a pretty good place. I hope that we can find that balance and that she is satisfied.

So, because such a phone call is nothing less that traumatic, I spent the remainder of my morning on the phone - first to my husband, then my sister, then husband again, then grief counselor. The people who pick up my pieces after the Dysfunction Patrol strikes again.

Do I have the Baby Blues? Doubt it. Did I feel like bawling all day? Yep. Sometimes checklists at Public Health aren't very helpful in determining the correct diagnosis.

Random thoughts ***updated***

Someone said to me today "just wait until you have the next one." Are you freakin' kidding? I guarantee NO ONE that there will be "another one". I love the thought of BB having a younger brother or sister, but I am in no way mentally equipped at this time to contemplate surviving another pregnancy.

This makes me think of a friend who gave birth and in the delivery room asked her husband "do you like her? Good. You aren't getting another!" The labour and delivery was painful and long and she didn't want to go through that again (she did have a second child, btw). This is NOT what I am talking about. Labour and delivery is the easy part. It's the getting there that nearly killed me.

When the time comes, I suspect we will try to have a third child. PLEASE don't ask me to think about that now. BB and Husband and I are fine, just the way we are.

--------

Where are all these people that are supposed to be here helping me out? I got a lot of "if you need anything, just call" comments from people. I suppose I should do that - but I feel like it would be rude for me to call up a work acquaintance and say "Look, I just don't have it in me to clean my bathroom - would you mind?" What I am dying for here is for someone to call me and say "Hey, can I come over and clean your bathroom and keep an eye on BB while you sleep?" Oh, isn't that the pipe-dream of every new mother.

Isn't that what MY mother is supposed to do? Please refer to description of dysfunctional relationship below. And, btw, why is it a cardinal sin to leave dirty dishes in her sink, but it is okay for her to leave them in mine???

It was the same when C. died. "If there is anything I can do..." Those open-ended offers never did anyone any good. You gotta offer to do something specific. I know that now... I just wish others knew it, too.

-----

BB is really a good baby. I am reading Secrets of the Baby Whisperer on the advice of a good friend. We will see if a 2 week old baby really can be scheduled. The author claims it's possible. I think I will take the method with a grain of salt - she has some great advice, but some of seems a little crackpot-ish. I am hoping that BB will take to the method well.

I bought BB a pacifier today. The nurses all said wait 6 weeks. Frankly, he needs to suck more than my boob or my finger can handle. That's why they make pacifiers, after all. Probably this makes me a bad mother is some eyes. Too bad. Boobies are for eating, not for fun. Well, not that kind of fun...

Okay. Poopie to deal with.

***UPDATE***

Okay, so I know about little boys and covering the shooting end when changing them. However, BB is smarter than that. He knows to hold it until the moment he feels the breeze, then --- WATER FOUNTAIN! Or, alternately, he pees a little on the cloth, then when I move it (thinking the peeing is all done), he pees again - this time with gusto. He has peed on every outfit he's worn for the last 24 hours. Almost every diaper change involves a delicate little arc of pee, gracefully aimed at his clothes, the wall, and his face.

The random peeing I was prepared for. I've seen Parenthood after all. It is the projectile poopies that took me off guard (she says as she approaches the dresser - which is 3' from the change table - with a bucket of soapy water).

Overwhelming? A little.

I am struck by the fact that I am a mother. Which is entirely bizarre, since I have spent the past two years staking my claim to that title. Obviously, parenting a living child is a whole different experience.

One sensation that I don't like very much is this feeling that I have of moving away from C. I don't want that. But I do acknowledge that my focus is, and has to be, on BB. And the realization is dawning on me that we are solely responsible for BB as his parents. We make decisions about and for him, and will for the remainder of his childhood. The magnitude of that undertaking is astounding. Especially compared to our previous parenting experience: plan a funeral, choose a headstone, and then look for other ways to memorialize. Really, what I am doing right now is responding to BB's needs. Perhaps as he becomes slightly more independent, I will figure out how to balance the needs of both my boys.

I do not feel as though I am in over my head. More like I was slightly unprepared, mentally, to mother a living child. I didn't allow myself to think that far ahead. So it is a little shocking now. But I am getting used to it.

Family... Can't live with 'em, can't kill 'em.

Well, of the 10 days of life our little Dude has lived, we have had but 2 nights alone. And our family members who have stayed with us have taken the approach of being "guests". Great. Just what I need - to entertain guests.

I have never had much of a solid relationship with my mother. I won't get into it here. Simply put, she and I just aren't on the same wavelength. Every time something of importance happens in my life, she feels left out and our "relationship" implodes. When I cut off my long hair without telling her first, when I shopped for my graduation formal dress, when I got married, etc. So I should have expected a dysfunctional response to this occasion, too.

To get her back on track, I have learned that the best thing to do is to completely shoulder the blame for all of the dysfunction in our relationship and kowtow to all of her requests. God, it is absurd and childish. But I have several decades of experience with her - it is better to do things this way.

She spent a few days with us this week. This meant that I spent my time biting my tongue while she prattled off sentence after sentence beginning with “Don’t you think you should ____." Bless my husband for not tearing off her head in anger.

I have been remarkably good at ignoring her. However, one of the things that she has said has really gotten to me. She accused me of keeping everyone away from me since C. died and "building a fortress" around myself. And my answer is this: of course I did!

So I ask you this: when you buried your baby, did you do what I did? Did you retreat to the relative safety of your husband and a handful of understanding friends? Did you put yourself out there a few times, only to discover that the clueless of the world would unintentionally hurt you with their thoughtless words? Did you discover that the only way to protect your soul from that hurt was to be increasingly careful about who you would spend time with, share your thoughts with, open your life to?

My mom is not wrong. I have built a fortress around myself and my little family. I do NOT apologize for it (though she thinks that I have).

------------------------------------------

Because we chose a name for this little guy that starts with a C, I think that I will refer to him as BB - short for Baby Brother. This way we can avoid confusion between my two boys.

Just call me "Boobie"

Not that I mind. But being on a 2-3 hour feeding schedule is a HUGE change of lifestyle. He really is a great eater, though, and gets a full feed down in about 30 minutes. Great poopie diapers and wet ones, too.

I have had my moments of seeing what we lost with C., but fortunately they haven't been overwhelming. What is more important to me is that people around me don't forget about C. It really bugs me when someone refers to my parents as "new grandparents". Yes, I recognize that this is the first time that they have had a chance to sit an coo at a new little life. But it is insulting to C. to completely ignore his existence in that way.

Because I spent C.'s birthday in labour, we intend to do our candles and sparklers and cupcakes at the cemetery today when my husband gets home from work. And my husband also bought flares. It will be a birthday celebration that would excite a two year old, that's for sure.

Now, quick run down of the birth story:

• went for induction on the Friday. Politics and lack of beds resulted in Cervidil application on Saturday. Some contractions resulted in 2 cm dilation. Began Pitocin at suppertime on Sunday. Around 10:30 pm, a pinprick artificial rupture of membranes was performed to release excess fluids related to polyhydramnios. Sometime around midnight, received an epidural that didn't entirely work. Pushed for 10 minutes to birth at 2:41 a.m. All in all, a hurry-up-and-wait process. Thank God it is over.
• surprisingly, it was all much less traumatic than I thought it would be. Once things got started, I just knew that he was going to be okay. It was the waiting to start that was the hardest part.

Now, to brag a little. He actually slept on his own in his bassinet between feedings last night. I got about 5 hours of sleep overnight. That is freaking amazing! What a wunderkind we have produced!

Quickly - he's sleeping!

The photo has been emailed. I don't have plans to post any photos here. If you thought you were on the email list and didn't get the photo, please email me at eightmillionpieces [at] gmail [dot] com.

I don't know who he resembles. He is such a mix of both of us. It was the same with C. They both have my lips and my husband's nose. I am impossible with seeing resemblances.

He is wonderful. He has explosive poops. He makes hilarious faces when he is pushing out gas. He eats like a champ. He has dimples on both cheeks and was the absolute favourite of the nurses in the hospital. He is quite likely the most brilliant child.

This is just new-mommy gushy stuff. I have regressed to talking in baby talk all the time. I am now the person I might have mocked 5 years ago. I don't care. I am in love.

Thank you ALL so much for your words of congratulations. We are so happy.

And annoucing....

The safe and happy arrival our our second son on January 15th, 2007 at 2:41 a.m. He weighed in at a hefty 8lbs, 2 oz and measured 21.5 inches long. We are simply entranced by this marvelous creature.

The induction, labour, and delivery would be enough fodder for a late-night made-for-TV movie, so I will perhaps tell that story after I have managed a nap. Suffice it to say, we fought the typical problems of overcrowding and bed-availability in Canadian hospitals and spent the last 6 days negotiating that in our hospital. However, we got our wish - our sons have two different birthdays. I guess overcrowding worked in our favour, in some respects.

I am SO glad to be home.

For those who requested, a photo will be emailed as soon as I can get my act together.

Thank you for all of your well wishes for this little guy and for C. on his birthday. And thank you for your support in getting me here. Knowing that so many people were cheering me on was close to my heart during the last week.

Yep. Still here.

Thank you for your accolades on my little knitting project. I offer my pattern to anyone who wants to take it on. I absolutely promise that it isn't hard at all.

Thank you for not pointing out any grammatical errors that may exist in my French.

Also, I have had visitors the last few days, so I haven't been able to post. I have several appointments in the upcoming days, so expect that I won't be able to post.

If anything of note happens (i.e. the birth of the Babe), I assure you that every effort will be made to land a post here ASAP.

Emotionally, I am something of a disaster. Now, if people would leave me alone long enough, I might be able to do some introspection and figure out how to cope with some of it....

J'ai fini ce couverture.

High school French, my friends.

Anniversary Week - Day 1

First, dealing with news of the Babe... no news. My body is getting serious about Braxton Hicks contractions, which of course I am pleased about. Perhaps my cervix is getting the message, too.

As each day passes, and we get closer to our goal, the more I realize that I am terrified that it won't happen. My only is experience with pregnancy is this: you get pregnant after months and months of trying, you do everything right, you have great doctors, you carry to term, you go into labour, you show up at the hospital, they tell you your baby is dead.

Something hard to just leave behind you.

On the surface, I feel certain that I will bring a real, living baby into our house and life will allow us to be parents to a living child. But underneath it all lies that whispering despair that will not be silenced: it won't happen, it's not possible, it is all a dream, don't fool yourself.

I knew these days would be hard. Advance notice of hardship, however, does not negate the emotions themselves, nor the difficulty that I have in facing them.

C.'s birthday is this weekend. Of course, much of the heaviness and worry I am experiencing is related to that anniversary.

Two years ago today, he was still alive. We had done a biophysical profile, where he didn't exhibit practice breathing movements. Scored 8/10 on the BPP. Not to worry, we were assured by all the doctors that we saw. Some babies don't do it all the time. A sign of fetal immaturity, nothing more.

Perhaps that was true. Perhaps it was a red herring. Perhaps his death was in no way connected with that missing link. Perhaps it should have been the red flag.

Where is my two year old? He is gone. In fact, he's only ever existed in my mind. I can see the blond little curls as clearly as if he were standing in front of me. Blond curls that he never had a chance to grow.

I am working feverishly on finishing the blanket I am knitting for the Babe. Yes, Catherine, I will post photos as soon as I am done. :)

I am almost panicked about finishing this blanket. I didn't finish C's blanket. We buried it with him. I came home from the hospital, we went and bought an outfit in which to bury our boy, and then I sat down to cast off the final stitches in the middle of that unfinished blanket. I thought I had all the time in the world to finish it for him. A lifetime to finish it. In some ways it was appropriate - an unfinished blanket for a boy who didn't even get to start his life.

Obviously, today I write from a place full of melancholy and loss. No doubt, my mood will change 6 times today, let alone this week.

Please, if you are the praying type, I would appreciate if you sent a little request into The Great Beyond that this baby make his/her grand appearance on any day but C's birthday. That would be a small mercy for my soul.

Mini Update

I saw all necessary doctors and had weekly tests. Nothing to report, really. Will repeat all tests (NST, ultrasound, internal exam, etc.) next week and see where we are.

In other news, I have discovered I really don't like sharing an office with anyone. Which I will do for a few more days (until I start my leave). It is creepy to have someone in your space.

I accomplished knitting goal #1 - to complete 3 rows of the pattern and work in all the ends up to that point. Knitting goal #2 - to complete 4th row of the pattern by the end of the week.

P.S. Is anyone aware of any parenting books that are geared towards parenting after loss? Or parenting after a traumatic event? I couldn't find anything in the searches that I did.

Nesting? Nope - panicking.

Things I have done since last post:

• put up all decor in the nursery (DH did most of it)
• washed all baby linens
• sewed curtain for the nursery
• sewed pillow covers for decoration in the nursery
• bought and assembled car seat and stroller (I paid, he assembled)
• cleaned the nursery, including polishing the floors (all his work, not mine)

In Other News:

I think we've established that I am all about anonymity. But I really would like to share some things, too. So here is what we will do:

If you would like a baby announcement, with a picture, leave your email address in the comments section or email me at eightmillionpieces [at] gmail [dot] com. If I think I can trust you not to track me down and murder me, then I will add you to the list.

If you are interested in seeing a few of the projects that I have made that I won't post photos of (for fear of recognition), let me know - I will email those things too.

Also, for those who have asked, it is possible that I may establish a PO box for snail mail deliveries. Waiting for Canada Post to be open long enough to check into the details. Email if you want this info.

OK. Now I must spend at least 6 hours knitting if I am going to take this blanket to the hospital with me (in less than 2 weeks, I hope).

I washed clothes.

No, no. I don't think you caught the gravity in my voice in the above statement. Let me try in italics: I washed clothes. Now, with a little boldface for emphasis: I washed all the baby clothes.

How about THAT! How's that for making myself get ready for this baby!

I am also reading The Mother of All Baby Books by Ann Douglas (Canadian parenting expert, bereaved mother, author of Trying Again), since I have a small inkling that I have no idea how to actually care for a real live baby. We didn't do the prenatal class thing this time (it was a waste of time two years ago, anyways) and I didn't take the breastfeeding course offered by Public Health (lead by militant breastfeeding Nazis). So I turned to my favourite babyland gal-pal in print, Ms. Ann. She is brilliant and has a sense of humour. I am half-way through the book.

Besides, I hate the What to Expect people. It was their stupid book that said "wait until contractions are 4 minutes apart to go to the hospital", which I did, and could have possibly made the difference for C.'s survival (and then again not, but that doesn't stop the hatred).

I talked to my high school friend for nearly 3 hours on the phone last night. It was wonderful. I love to talk to people that I don't have explain myself to. Also, she lets me talk about C. without giving it a second thought.

I am like a kid before Christmas - I see my OB on Wednesday. How many more sleeps? I am hoping that he will schedule induction at that appointment. I have no idea if he will. I hope that I am not disappointed by him - expecting for him to set the date and then not having it happen. Sounds like a wedding.

Since my parents have left town, they have now taken to calling with a worried tone of voice. I called their place this morning, to share some gossip with my sibling who is there, and every extension was picked up and filled with worried tones of voice. I had to tell them all to hang up so that I could have a private conversation with my sibling. NO. I AM NOT IN LABOUR!!!! Honestly, I will tell you if I have this baby. I won't try to keep it secret. STOP HOVERING!!!!

This is why I didn't want to tell them anything pregnancy related. But I felt I had to tell them about the polyhydramnios and arrhythmia (side note: to my untrained ear, the arrhytmia seems to have resolved itself... another reason to want to see my OB soon for confirmation). Now they are all scared.

They annoying part is that it seems as though they never considered that it would be possible that this pregnancy could have complications. Until there were. They were totally blindsided. It is like they were able to completely return to the world of the naive, where every pregnancy has a happy ending!!! That is repression to a level that I will never understand.

Bleh. Does that all make sense? I tend to ramble, don't I.

P.S. Here is to a 2007 that has little or no heartbreak, okay?? Impossible, but that is what I am wishing for all of us.

A few photos

The quilt I was dying to buy (but couldn't justify the pricetag - it's handmade locally), and that my dearest husband bought me for Christmas.

A close up of the detail on the quilt. The strips are done in flannel, the appliqué is done in chenille, and the quilting is all done freehand. It is gorgeous. And soft. Yay!

Me at 32 wks. (almost 3 weeeks ago)

OK - enough frivolity. Go do the Myers-Briggs quiz below!

I am curious...

I am going to write a real post soon, hopefully with some pictures. However, after discussion with my husband regarding our respective reactions to our Christmas visitors, I was reminded that by Myers-Briggs testing, I am something of an introvert. Which is part of the reason why I was getting so irritable over the prolonged stay of people in my house.

I am an INFJ.

-moderately expressed Introvert
-slightly expressed iNtuitive personality
-distinctively expressed Feeling personality
-very expressed Judging personality

Of course, take it all with a grain of salt, but there are certainly aspects of me that I read in the description... What are you?

And a Ho, Ho, Ho.

I am feeling very blah and irritable today. I guess I am expecting too much of myself to think that I would feel any differently.

My family has been here since the 22nd. It has been quite good, generally. I am on a sort of modified bedrest, as I have been having Braxton Hicks at a little too regular intervals. However, I would NEVER tell my family that, because my parents would both freak. As it is, they are hovering.

Also, I was concerned with the contractions last night and decided to go into labour and delivery to be monitored (they turned out to be nothing - Murphy's Law: no contractions when hooked to the machine). Of course, both of our families were here at the time, so there was no way to hide the fact that I was leaving the house at midnight. With a packed bag. So I had to tell them that "I'm not feeling right, so I'm going to the hospital to get checked out."

This morning I woke to my mom crawling into bed with me, holding my hand, and petting my arm worriedly. I know that this may sound nice to some, but I can't TAKE that kind of hovering over me. I can't stand it. She has behaved this way all day, following me around, talking in hushed tones, asking me if I'm okay. Even my dad, who generally would give me my space, has done a little of it. Then asked me if I wanted them to leave when I was a little irritable. They are trying so hard to be here for me, but I just need to be treated normally. That is what I want.

I'm afraid that my patience was quite thin to start with. I just thought that I was overtired, but then realized that all the stress was taking its toll. And my son is dead.

I just can't even believe it some times. I had a son. He is dead. Today I had to visit my son, who is dead and buried in the ground. I had to sit next to a headstone in a frozen expanse of snow, surrounded by other people's babies who are also dead. Babies die. My baby died. I just don't understand it, not in any way at all. There are days where it is all too big and confusing for me. Today is one of those days. I just don't understand.

I feel like a real failure today. I wasn't much of a daughter and I am reminded that I am not able to mother my son. My body is contracting, two weeks too early. I can't get comfortable. I don't sleep at normal times. I feel sorry for myself and I am irritated with everyone around me. I am just a joy to be around.

Merry Christmas, right?