While I was pregnant with BB, and in the subsequent months after he was born, I no longer was consumed with that desperate combination of envy and hatred when I looked at another expanding tummy or heard gentle noises coming from a baby carrier. I was able to focus on what I had and I more or less ignored everything else.
Well - it's back, with a vengence. Yet again this thing called grief spins me around and points me in a direction that I don't want to travel. Turns out it was merely a temporary reprieve from the ugliness of my worst emotions. I thought that I had bid that part of me a final farewell.
I don't look forward to continuing on until the end of my days feeling desperately jealous/angry towards those who are welcoming new lives. I can only hope that the reprieve will return with the passage of time. There is no hiding from yourself, not really.
I can't have what I want. He's not coming back.