Sunlight and Shadows

I continue to subject myself to the ups and downs of attending a local playgroup. On days when it is the "same old faces", I do pretty well. But, since it is a drop-in, some days are crazy, with too many kids and too many pregnant bellies. But the promise of socialization for BB and the possibility of friends for me is too much of a draw for me to let it go. And I am a creature of habit.

As I load BB into the car and drive the 10 minutes to the group, I try not to wonder what the next 2 hours will bring. I try to keep myself in a positive frame of mind. I already have a pretty good idea who will be there and what the conversation will sound like.

There will be a lot of discussion of pregnancy and babies. There will be certainty in the tones of the speakers: when they have their next baby, when they get pregnant again. There is no if. Sometimes it rolls right off my back; sometimes I choke on the distance between my reality and theirs.

Today, as we drove, BB listened to the music on the radio and gazed with intent interest out at the passing scenery. The sun shone with the promise of summer. Without warning, the image of another boy, an older boy, a big brother, was there before my eyes. My heart lurched. I had no choice but to smile at the boy who is here, to turn up the tunes, and to try to sing the heartache away.

This is my life. One boy, not two. No use in crying; may as well sing.

Perspective

I checked Face.book this morning and my friend from high school had listed his status as "anxious about the new baby". Worried, I sent him a quick message to find out if things were okay. He messaged back to say that they are expecting in May and are excited and everything is well. I suppose by "anxious" he meant "can't wait".

Frankly, his interpretation of "anxious" and mine are quite different.

Glad

Well, I have managed to get over the first major stressful period since I returned to work. And, happily, I have nothing pertinant to do at work until May 26. It is sometimes hard to deal with a work level that ebbs and flows, but I do appreciate those weeks when I have little work to do.

So I am considering taking an online Ph0t0Sh0p class. This stems from my (probably insane) desire to begin digi-scrapping. I like computer stuff, and I get nowhere with the cut-and-paste variety of scrapbooking, so.... maybe. Depends. I start plenty of things that I don't finish (at least, don't finish right away). But Ph0t0Sh0p is always a good resume item, right? Any suggestions regarding classes to take? Any digi-scrappers out there.

We are also thinking it is time to buy a Mac. I am very excited about that.

Oh, and BB started walking this week. And I am weaning him from his before-bed nursing (now just nursing him first thing in the AM). What an eventful (and hard) week.

Circles

My best friend (M.) from high school called this week to tell me that she is expecting her first baby. She and her husband (her high school sweetheart) are very excited.

I expected the call for some time now. It's inevitable, really. When you know that kids are on the "someday" list, the day is sure to come. The people I know just don't have fertility issues or lose babies.

If there is anyone in the world that I could be happy for, it is M. But I am cautious in my happiness. And very worried that she is even considering a h0me birth with a mid-wife. I won't debate the issues surrounding h0me birth; I don't care what you think. I want every single woman in the world to deliver in a fully equipped hospital, and be damned with "good birth experiences".

First babies are so hard for me. But I am happy that M. is happy. She has been the best friend that she could possibly be.

In other news, my event was last night, and it was a resounding success. I think that I can hold my head high over the work that I did, even comparing it to the technically superior work of the other guests. My confidence took a blow over the past two weeks, but I think I am slowly recovering.

Oh. my. god. was it a lot of work, though. Which is part of why I have been missing in action for so long.

But today the sun is shining and the warmth of the sun caresses my face. A good day to visit the cemetery, maybe.

I miss my boy.

A post a week?

Life just doesn't slow down, does it? And all the waiting until "next week, things will be better" doesn't actually help anything.

Perhaps I shouldn't stretch myself so thin...

Congratulations Rosepetal!

The best of news! Welcome, Beanie.

confidence

I have always projected an aura of self-confidence to those who know me, but the reality is much more stark. It is a facade. It is a protectionist device. I am not so confident.

I don't cower in corners, but I truly struggle with the idea that I am not as good as other people. In many ways, it doesn't bother me. I am not as good an actress as Emma Thompson - that doesn't even register. But where I rank in my job, where I rank in terms of my favourite hobby - well, that's a different story all together.

I am currently working on an event related to my hobby. It will feature work of mine and work of other people who I have invited to partake in the event. It has been a lot of stress to plan and prepare for.

So the problem that I am having is one of confidence. I know that at least one of the other contributors is better than me - I knew that when I asked her to be part of the event. What I didn't expect was that she would have a certain snootiness about her. She has rejected my request that she submit the most challenging of her work and has instead chosen things that will appeal to my poorly educated (in her opinion, I assure you) audience. And through the course of it all, she has managed to injure my confidence in small, cumulative ways, such as explaining some of the most simple terminology to me.

She has a master's degree; I do not. She has made this her career; for me it remains a hobby.

The difficulty for me is that I don't know how to balance my complete understanding that she is better than me while keeping enough ego alive to put my self out there in front of an audience next weekend. It is my event, after all; there's no backing out now!I made my choice a long time ago to not pursue this career. Instead, I attempt to keep my passion alive by hosting these type of events. It isn't very helpful when what is meant to help me feel impassioned and alive instead makes me feel small and amateurish.

Don't get me started on how this woman popped out 2 baby boys with no problems, 2 hours labour for both, without gaining a pound or missing a moment of her fantastic, rising career.

Okay. So maybe I'm just jealous.