Tuesday, March 25, 2008


I have a weird thing. I am upset by people who don't acknowledge C. I get more upset by people who over-acknowledge him*. Or something. I think an example is in order.

We went to the cemetery on Easter Sunday. And for some reason, I imagined that my MIL had been there and that she had been crying. Which is weird, b/c I knew she hadn't been there. But, whatever, the image popped in my mind. I was momentarily furious. That she would have the gall to cry over my son. And I feel the same way about some of things that my sister says about C. (I can't think of an example). But why????

It is such a weird combination of emotions - wanted people to talk about him and cry about him because he is so important to me, and feeling that something is being taken from me if the level of intimacy expressed is too high.

Do I just want people to feel sorry for me? I hope not. But there may be some of that in there somewhere. Is it because I am terrified at the idea of "sharing" him, since I have so little of him to carry with me? I think that is definitely a part of it.

But it is tiresome.

I had boundary issues when BB was born. I really didn't want other people holding him or talking about him in possessive terms (my grandson, or my nephew) or thinking that they knew what his little coos meant. Even now I have my little struggles when he is so happy to see his grandma (which is a good thing that I fully support, btw).

I just wonder if this is all a normal part of who I would have always been as a parent. If C. had lived, would I have felt these jealousies? They seem so small and petty. Is it an innate part of my personality - that I want to be all and everything to my children, with the rest of the world unnecessary? Or it is more than that; something that grew out of my grief?

There is no way to know where this comes from or why I feel this way. Just one more thing on my list of things I would like to let go of. I don't know how possible that is.

* This excludes my husband, of course. He is the only person 100% "allowed" to grieve for C. as much as I do.


aksvlpstl said...

I lost my baby at 39 weeks. I'm sorry you lost your little one but I am glad to see you were able to try again.
re;possession- I think for me, I just wanted my baby, so nothing anyone did could make me happy or be the right thing. Perhaps you are experiencing something similar. Maybe it is misplaced desire that can never be fulfilled. I think it is ok, but sometimes figuring out what it is the root cause can make it alot easier to handle/understand for yourself.

Ruby said...

I have at times had the same feelings. If you find an answer can you forward it?

niobe said...

I don't know why, but I absolutely hate it when people say they're sad over the twins' deaths. Luckily for me, my family almost never mentions them.

Busted said...

I'm relieved to read this post. We just lost our twins earlier this week - already I have become "possessive" of them and the pain. My mom took pictures at the hospital (we haven't received the ones the hospital took yet), and I started demanding that she delete them because I wanted them to be "ours". I felt awful afterwards and changed my mind, but I guess it's normal to feel that way.

Lori said...

I completely get this. I have actually come to a place where I no longer get angry with anyone for what they don't do or say because I have realized that I don't know what I want from anyone anyway. When they do say something I feel odd and can't figure out if it is genuine or if they are only saying it for my benefit (which I don't want). And, like you, I hate it if I feel like someone else's sadness appears to rival mine. That was a point of great difficulty for me with my mother for a long time. The truth was that she did feel very, very sad. But there were times I felt as though she thought our sadness was the same, that our experience was the same. What I felt possessive of was the right to my own individual experience as the MOTHER of my babies. There was only one mother and honestly, it may sound childish, but I think that means my sorrow should trump anyone else's.

So... anyway... I get it.