Daycare is kicking my butt.

Daycare was tricky to find, since I work afternoons only. I wanted a home daycare and I hoped for something in my neighbourhood. I found both, and the care provider has 17 years experience. She is kind and gentle and caring. BB seems to like the situation just fine.

That is, he seems to like it when I'm not around. The first days he spent there, drop-off was no problem. He happily went to play with the other kids. He cried when I set him down on Day 3. He cried when he saw the care provider on Day 4. He cried when he saw the house on Day 5. He cried when I put him in the car yesterday. Today he started to cry when I pulled his snowsuit out of the closet.

This is not his way of telling me that he is unhappy with the daycare situation. When his dad picks him up at the end of the day he cries because he doesn't want to leave. He kisses his care provider goodbye.

Drop-off is the problem. It is horrible for me. He wants to be with me. And, frankly, I want to be with him. I assure you that I don't exacerbate the problem. Smiling, I kiss BB goodbye and hand him over; no lingering. He doesn't cry long after I leave.

It is heartbreaking crying that he uses to try and convince me not to leave him every day. And it is especially difficult for me because I am not convinced that my job is that important. When it comes right down to it, I guess that I think the best person to raise a child is his parent. Even though BB is only away from us for about 4 hours a day, it often feels so wrong to me when I drop him off.

People scoff at me saying that BB is just manipulating me using guilt as a tool. If he were 3 years old, I might buy that. But he is just a year old. All he knows is that he would rather spend his afternoon with his momma. And his momma pretty much feels the same way. It is incredibly difficult for me to let my baby go.

I suppose we could look at the feasibility of me letting go of my job. It would certainly mean changing our lifestyle quite drastically. Many of the plans we have would have to change. I guess we aren't ready to go that far.

I could also work from home; my skill set would easily allow that. However, I doubt I am quite enough of a self-starter to be particularly successful at such a venture. And then I would have 2 jobs: full-time SAHM, part-time worker. Not really a better situation for creating family time.

What I want is a salary to be a stay-at-home-mom. How do I get one of those?