Saturday, December 22, 2007

Discovery

I have been over putting up new links on the Directory, something that I am not finding as much time for lately (my apologies to those who have to wait to get their links posted). However, I think it is important work, though small in the grand scheme of things, so I do it when I can. In the process of organizing the new submissions, I usually read the first few posts so that I know a little bit about the writer's background.

Today I came to a realization. I can't go backwards. I can't read the posts of these new mommies who only just had their hearts broken. I can't offer support. I can't leave any wise words of experience with them. I just can't.

I feel like I should. But I don't have it in me. I have worked too hard to get where I am. Something about dredging up all of those old emotions is too difficult and too painful. Because they are all still there, waiting for me, behind this precarious dam that that time and effort has built. And it would be all to easy for the dam to burst and the happiness I have struggled for would be swept away in the rush. I am not willing to let that happen.

So know that I wish I could be that person who offers the right words at the right time. But also know that it just isn't possible for me to do. There are too many hurting souls out there and there is not enough of me.

I will do what I can - with the people who are hurting in my offline life and by maintaining the Directory. But going back there is just not good for me.

5 comments:

Monica said...

I understand what you are writing about. I have some Christmas ornaments for Jimmy that I cannot bear to put on our tree. Since Andy came I'm having a hard time going back to look at Jimmy's things. It's like I want to forget it. Of course I cannot. But I want to be happy that I have Andy. I too have found it hard to go to sites of people who have just lost their babies. I don't have a problem with people who are TTC or are in their subsequent pregnancy. But those still in the, "raw" stage just brings me back to a place I don't want to be.

Coggy said...

I guess I count as one of the new mum's you are talking about, it's nearly 4 months now since I lost my son. I can already completely understand why you are unable to go backwards. I find it hard even 4 months on when someone new finds me to read again of those first few weeks after losing a baby. I have been feeling like I have to go back and read their posts and it does drag me back from the small progress I have made over these 4 months. I am now like you considering going forward with the people who I now know and not going back anymore. I guess I'm ready to move on too.
It is enough for me to read your blog, to know that you have been there and to see the progress you have made without you actually having to go backwards to read my blog, if that makes sense?

delphi said...

Thanks for understanding, Coggy. I guess I feel an obligation to read and support all the women who submit their blogs to the Directory. And it is all too much for me. I need to let go of that feeling of obligation, I guess.

Julia said...

I think it's understandable. Especially this time of year, when there are so many triggers all around. Going back to willingly press these buttons must be so very hard.
Yes, let go of the obligation. You are only human. Do what is right for you and for your family.

niobe said...

It *is* awfully hard to revisit the pain of mothers who have just lost their babies. And, I think, it can be equally hard for some who've suffered losses to read about subsequent pregnancies or successful births.

You shouldn't feel at all guilty about doing what you need to do to protect yourself.