Waiting

My RL support group friend is currently undergoing an induction of her 3rd baby. God-willing, her first living child. It is very distracting. I am quite desperate for good news.

In the mean time...

My mom keeps offering sleep "advice". She doesn't know what sleep techniques I am trying (and I honestly don't want to explain - it would not turn out well), so she thinks that I am making self-defeating decisions. I have resisted the urge to suggest, in the spirit of offering unsolicited advice, that she quit eating like a pig and she might lose that weight she keeps complaining about. Wouldn't it be cool if I had a functional relationship with my mother? I don't.

I attempted to find a quiet moment to discuss the problems of low-fluid and cord compression with Jen, the pregnant woman in the mom/tots group. Unfortunately, she is a larger-than-life person who does not regularly seem to experience quiet moments. I am not sure where to go with this. I guess I will continue to wait for an opportunity to talk with her and pray that all goes well, regardless.

I find myself feeling panicked when I imagine BB as an older child. I imagine that some of that feeling is related to typical "my baby is growing up so fast" angst. But, I realized today that imagining BB as an older child forces my brain to grapple with the continuing reality that C. will not reach those ages or milestones. It never ends, people. I just don't bawl my face off much anymore.

BB looks like a toddler now. It is so amazing and frightening, all at the same time. I love him past the point of coherent description. If I could, I would pause my life during our daily game of "Kisses and Cuddles". Baby giggles, inquisitive hands searching my face, laying on our bed, sweet milk breath, wet kisses, squirmy arms and legs. Perfection.