Monday, April 09, 2007

Same old?

Well, most of our family came to support us as we had BB baptised this weekend. It was stressful, as company always is. And I feel very vulnerable right now, so I have spent the most of the time since their departure second guessing what happened this weekend and worrying that I did something to insult someone.

Our house is tiny, so my parents stayed at a hotel. I worry that they are annoyed about that, even though it was sort of my mom's idea. I worry that they didn't get enough time with BB and are mad at me about that. I worry that I didn't thank people enough for making the trip and for the gifts that they got for our little man. I worry that the grandparents are annoyed that they didn't get to hold BB in church, since I was out for half the service changing his diapers and trying to get him to nurse (P.S. Even though the little black dress looked good for the pictures, it was a bad idea - I had to remove the whole thing in order to nurse, which meant it wasn't happening in a pew). And I am really worried that my mom is mad at me because when she went to get BB out of his crib when he was fussing, I snapped at her and told her to leave him alone (he often falls back to sleep).

When I write it all out like that, it seems like a ridiculous list of worries. But time with my family had never been easy. And I cannot rely on my family to forgive my list of foibles unconditionally, though I do believe that is what they should do if they love me. So I sit here, rather torn inside, hiding from the telephone. Maybe if I wait a few days to call them, they will stop hating me (I have no reason to believe that they hate me.). I wonder if I always was this fragile or if it has grown out of my grief.

The baptism itself was lovely. BB was relaxed. When she poured the water over his head, he whimpered a few times and let out one squawk and was happy after that.

But my heart has been in a delicate place in the last few weeks. We went to take Easter decorations to the cemetery and I cried as we drove up to C's grave. I haven't done that in a long time. We go there so often, and I usually find it to be a calming place. I had moments throughout the last few days where the longing for C. was so strong that I could barely contain it. In the shower. Walking through the grocery store. Watching our family and community gather around his brother in celebration. There were moments that were almost too much to bear.

If at all possible, I think about C. more since his brother arrived in our house. Probably because BB gives me a benchmark for comparison. There are moments when I see such resemblance between my boys. It is causes my heart to thrill and to ache with pain and with joy. I almost hope that BB never knows what I think when I look at him. Because, even though he is completely his own person, it is impossible for me to resist wondering about C. when I see how BB looks and acts and is.

In a related note, I am SO proud of my husband. The other day a mutual acquaintance made some insensitive, ridiculous comment to him and he actually said something back to him - something I have often fantasized about saying myself. He's my hero.


niobe said...

This is my attempt to reconstruct the comment that I thought I posted earlier:

If you feel so tense around your family, there's probably a very good reason. Maybe a history of treating you badly or as if you weren't good enough. I wouldn't feel guilt about your stress at all, because I'm sure it didn't come out of nowhere.

What you said about C and BB-- someone (I can't remember who) described it as always seeing double, watching for hints of the lost child in the living one.

And the story about the dress -- I don't know if you meant it that way, but that's a hilarious visual.

delphi said...


You are absolutely right about my poor familial history. I guess that I just wish I would have "grown out of" worrying about it so much by now.

And I am glad you got a chuckle re: the dress. Trust me, no one would have been laughing had I disrobed (in all my post-pregnancy, stretch-marked glory) in the middle of the Easter Sunday service!

kate said...

Family can be a huge pain, i am sorry...things 'should' be easier. I am glad the baptism went must have been very hard for you.

Rosepetal said...

Even though she may not agree on the whys, your mom can't be completely oblivious that you don't have a good relationship. If you have a tiny house, with a live baby in it, then I am guessing even she could see that was going to be a recipe for disaster?

It's your right to protect your son first and foremost, whether it be from having is sleep disturbed or keeping his botty dry.

When you say forgive unconditionally - that made me think. I love my family unconditionally, but there are somethings I find it hard to forgive. It doesn't make me stop loving them though. I don't love my BIL unconditionally and I haven't forgiven him; I do love my dad unconditionally but still haven't really forgotten some insensitive things he said after Moksha's birth.

From what I have read, you will never stop having the intense feelings about C. Right now, I am scared of them going away for Moksha, fading with time. I want them to stay forever, so it proves to me that my love for Moksha is never dimmed.

Good for your husband..... who is also blogging more now ;-)