Same old?

Well, most of our family came to support us as we had BB baptised this weekend. It was stressful, as company always is. And I feel very vulnerable right now, so I have spent the most of the time since their departure second guessing what happened this weekend and worrying that I did something to insult someone.

Our house is tiny, so my parents stayed at a hotel. I worry that they are annoyed about that, even though it was sort of my mom's idea. I worry that they didn't get enough time with BB and are mad at me about that. I worry that I didn't thank people enough for making the trip and for the gifts that they got for our little man. I worry that the grandparents are annoyed that they didn't get to hold BB in church, since I was out for half the service changing his diapers and trying to get him to nurse (P.S. Even though the little black dress looked good for the pictures, it was a bad idea - I had to remove the whole thing in order to nurse, which meant it wasn't happening in a pew). And I am really worried that my mom is mad at me because when she went to get BB out of his crib when he was fussing, I snapped at her and told her to leave him alone (he often falls back to sleep).

When I write it all out like that, it seems like a ridiculous list of worries. But time with my family had never been easy. And I cannot rely on my family to forgive my list of foibles unconditionally, though I do believe that is what they should do if they love me. So I sit here, rather torn inside, hiding from the telephone. Maybe if I wait a few days to call them, they will stop hating me (I have no reason to believe that they hate me.). I wonder if I always was this fragile or if it has grown out of my grief.

The baptism itself was lovely. BB was relaxed. When she poured the water over his head, he whimpered a few times and let out one squawk and was happy after that.

But my heart has been in a delicate place in the last few weeks. We went to take Easter decorations to the cemetery and I cried as we drove up to C's grave. I haven't done that in a long time. We go there so often, and I usually find it to be a calming place. I had moments throughout the last few days where the longing for C. was so strong that I could barely contain it. In the shower. Walking through the grocery store. Watching our family and community gather around his brother in celebration. There were moments that were almost too much to bear.

If at all possible, I think about C. more since his brother arrived in our house. Probably because BB gives me a benchmark for comparison. There are moments when I see such resemblance between my boys. It is causes my heart to thrill and to ache with pain and with joy. I almost hope that BB never knows what I think when I look at him. Because, even though he is completely his own person, it is impossible for me to resist wondering about C. when I see how BB looks and acts and is.

In a related note, I am SO proud of my husband. The other day a mutual acquaintance made some insensitive, ridiculous comment to him and he actually said something back to him - something I have often fantasized about saying myself. He's my hero.