I realized what bugged me so much about the below comment. It is not so much a question of "Why would someone say something so insensitive" as it is "Why wouldn't someone say something so insensitive???"
The thing is, we don't talk about death in our society. We don't teach our children what is acceptable and appropriate to say to someone who is grieving the loss of a child/parent/spouse. And that is what frustrates me. How would the quoted person below know that he/she is saying something hurtful? Heck, I might have said the same thing in my previous life.
I think, however, that what not to say is a little more intuitive with other losses. I might be wrong here (feel free to correct me!!). But I would hope that it is obvious NOT to say to a widow "Gee, I am so glad that my husband of 15 years is still with me. Seeing your struggles as a widow make me cherish my husband even more."
I just don't know. Might I have said this, before? Might I mess up and say something equally dumb in the future? I suppose I might. We are none of us perfect.
But we spend so much time teaching our children proper socialization in so many other ways. This is such a missing link.
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8 comments:
You are right, we don't teach our kids the "right" things to say about grief and dying. It is odd, isn't?
It is - but here's a thought: i have lost three children through miscarriage and what was harder for me was not the insensitive comments people made like the one you refernece in your rant but the ones who didn't comment at all. I guess while the kind of comments you make mention of do sting, in some ways I at least appreciate that they acknowledged my pain. Just a thought...
Yeah, i do think there are plenty of people who would say that to the grieving widow as well. You are right, we definitely don't teach our children how to sensitively deal with these topics...
you know, I have been thinking that it's high time someone wrote a book about IF and loss that had in it "what not to say" elements. Or was entirely like that. It even occurred to me that many blog entries could be good chapters for that book.
Anonymous,
I agree - though I think that this falls into what I am talking about here. People don't know what to say, so they either say nothing or say the wrong thing. Both are equally sucky.
We teach our kids how to interact with people in so many different scenarios. We don't teach our kids anything about scenarios involving death.
I agree with Delphi - being well-meaning doesn't automatically excuse you for causing hurt. Seriously, I really believe it's up to all of us - because goodness knows even as I have suffered, I can still put my foot in my mouth - to try to think through our comments and to consider, am I saying this for my sake or theirs? In any way, can I think of a way what I say might hurt them?
I just came back to work yesterday after having my second miscarriage - the D&C was Thursday - and people on my team that I knew had been informed of the loss (one of whom shares an office with me) said nothing. Nothing. Not even, "Are you OK?" I was forced to bring it up myself. I would rather have Clumsy Well-Intentioned Commenter than be ignored.
It's so true what you are saying, delphi, that so many people just don't know how to handle loss, especially the loss of a child. Before I became aware of this online community, I wouldn't have known the exact right thing to say, and probably would have ham-handed it like your original commenter, but I like to think I would have at least said something. The honesty and bravery that you and your online friends have shown has really helped me refine my own sensitivity about these issues.
I find this a very interesting topic. I was drawn in by your prior post, caught a bit off-guard by anger aimed at the woman who'd commented about her two children, in (most likely) an attempt at sympathy.
I admit, I know enough not to say something to that effect... but, for someone who hasn't suffered the loss of a baby or a child (in my heart, it is one of the worst losses imaginable), it is hard to know what to say. We really do avoid the how to deal with the subject of death in our society... and I think that's because we have so many varying beliefs, viewpoints and feelings about what happens when we die.
For example, I was quite surprised when I found out that a friend of mine, D, wanted nothing to do with a mutual friend of ours, H, because of a comment H had made after D's father had died. H had told D that she was sorry for her loss, but that her father was in a better place now. D, who was not religious, got furious and told her she should never have even opened her mouth... and to this day won't speak to her.
So, I think people stay quiet out of fear of making something awful even worse... and it's a shame.
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