Today

“Resist the urge to take on all your complications at one time.”
– Thomas Kinkade: Lightposts for Living Day-by-day Calendar

I think this speaks to why I am so hesitant to have people talk about my life as it will be when I have this baby. By talking about the eventuality of birth, and assuming a positive outcome, I feel like I am being refused the months of time that I require to mentally prepare for the tasks at hand.

I need to get through today - mentally, spiritually, and physically whole. Please don't ask me to consider tomorrow. I will consider tomorrow when it is tomorrow.

How often have we been offered the advice: take one day at a time, live in the moment, worry for the future is fruitless and destroys the satisfactions of today. Yet people are constantly asking us to Live for the Future. When are you going to settle down? When are you getting married? When are you having kids? What are you doing for Thanksgiving?

I am happy today. I am okay today. My oldest son is still dead, but I am coping today. This baby is alive and I can rejoice in that today. Please just let me be who I am... today.