Thursday, May 11, 2006

I went to the funeral

Today, by myself, I went to the funeral of a baby who's family I had never met. My husband was unable to get away from work, so I went by myself. And you know what? It wasn't that hard. I admit that I was caught off guard for a moment when I saw that tiny, two foot long, white fuzzy casket. Otherwise, I remained stoic and unmoved.

Why on earth was I not a disaster? Why didn't I cry my eyes out? I didn't shed a tear. It is sick, that's what it is. It should have rocked my world and it barely registered with me. What is wrong with me?

It wasn't a lovely service. The officiant said things that I thought were horrible. In speaking to the Ecclesiastes "a time to every purpose under heaven" reading, he told the grieving parent's "Trust in God. God knows what's good for you." WTF??? Is he implying that this family has to suffer the worst of experiences because it is "good for" them??? I will give the benefit of the doubt and tell you that English is not his first language, therefore the implications of the colloquialism may just be beyond him. But, again, WTF???

He spent most of the time pushing pat little platitudes at them. Their son is in a wonderful place. God called him to Him. It was his time. Blah, blah, frickin' blah.

I think that I am, in part, ranting about the issue of God in response to Catherine's raging against God. I get that, I truly do. And this service today was yet another example of how the "messengers of God's word" have no clue about how we feel. Not a frickin' sniff. I am glad that the family will probably remember little of what was said at the funeral.

And I am deeply in debt to the compassionate, empathetic, eloquent, understanding woman that performed my son's funeral rites.

So I guess I was not unmoved. I can do a hell of a job fooling myself.


Laura said...

I feel so bad for them...that time after the funeral are so hard. Catherine is going to have to go through that again. Unbelievable.

You know, I don't think that there's a thing wrong with you. I think that maybe you were just in self-preservation mode and numbed yourself a bit. I didn't cry at my own son's funeral. I guess that I was just numb.

What you did was so difficult and you were so strong to do that. I'm proud of you. And you know, it was probably so helpful for those parents to see you there, having gone through this, and still standing.

kate said...

I agree with Laura about the was very good of you to go and i am sure your presence helped them alot. That is really awful about the service though -- that sort of thing does SO MUCH damage. I feel terrible for those parents, not only to lose their baby but to hear all that bullshit at his funeral. UGH

And, yeah, with the God thing, i am right there with you.