Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Full circle

There is very little a person can do to deal with "gettin' pregnant" insanity. It is one of our base human desires to bear and raise children. And its the raise part that I am so interested it.

These musings come in response to (check out my kicky little ticker in the sidebar) the impending anniversary of starting to "try again". May 25th will mark the first day of the cycle in which we decided we would toss our fate to the wind. No one, however, informed us that there would be no wind.

Today I have decided that I am probably going to get something in red as an anniversary gift from my body. A tiny drop in temperature this morning is typical before the large drop that announces my period's arrival. Of course, I could be wrong (which is why I shouldn't chart obsess), but I have much experience that tells me that I should prepare myself for the red tide of disappointment. It is better to prepare yourself for the worst. What a sad life philosophy.

How about this thought - as much as I have griped on about my inability to get knocked up (to date), I am getting closer to actually comprehending what infertility is. On Thursday, I will meet the clinical definition for secondary infertility. This specter that I have been toying with for so many months now will be real.

And I begin to question - what is my heart's desire? Over 3 years ago, we "decided" we would start our family. It took a year for my body to recover from taking birth control pills and get knocked up. It was easy enough, once that line turned pink, to convince myself that I had just been impatient and that getting pregnant (though not as easy as my health ed teacher in Grade 7 proposed) was not an insurmountable task. Then our son died. Then I convinced myself that Fate owed us, and that we would become pregnant first or second try.

Now, 12 months later, I don't know what I want and I don't know what I believe. As I mentioned in a comment on Sarah's blog - getting pregnant seems about as controllable as the weather. It seems that there is very little control over the process. I feel like I am floating along in this river of time, days, minutes, and seconds ticking away, and no amount of arm-flailing and leg-kicking gets me any closer to land.

I have been in pursuit of a family for 3 years. Medical personnel will not look at it that way (I am just passing their cut-off mark). But I am now barely able to believe that we will actually have our own children in this lifetime.

Yet - I try so hard not to think that way. I don't want to tempt Fate, I don't want to draw in some bad karma. But the weather doesn't believe in Fate or karma does it?

Just to clarify, I am not sad or angry or frustrated. Just floating along this river, hanging on to my husband, keeping our heads above water. The impossibility of raising a family becomes clearer with each day. Just a distant, unattainable goal. Like winning the lottery. Nice idea, but what are the odds?


kate said...

It is a really really long time. I am thinking of you ((((((hugs))))))

msfitzita said...

My God. We've been trying for three years too. And June 4th marks our one year of trying since we lost Thomas.

I had no idea you were in exactly the same sinking boat.

Sending you ((((((HUGS)))))). I understand your fears and frustrations. And because I do, I wish so much that you didn't have to suffer them.