Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Oh, Mr. Tyler! Going....down????

I have been having the strangest dreams. I don't really have anything to attribute these little oddities to, but here is the gist of a few of them:

A week ago, I dreamt I was high school age, with other high school age people, including even my husband, with whom I did NOT attend high school (grammar police: is that even close?). The basic problem in this dream was that every person was being overcome by demons, in Exorcist fashion, and a few of us were doing the Buffy-the-Vampire-Slayer thing. Just before I awoke, I was cloistered in a band room, with a few other people, praying the Lord's Prayer over and over. It wasn't saving the others, but it was saving us, so we just kept praying.

A few days ago - I dreamt that I was swimming naked in an underground mineral spa. There were hundreds of people, and we were all swimming in the same general direction. Then, Steven Tyler comes up to me and declares his love. There I am, nude, in all my current, post-baby glory (with the normal post-baby saggy bits), and Steven Tyler announces that my beauty (ha!) has overwhelmed him and that I must be his. What's a girl to do but accept such a proposal? Fast-forward to the next part that I remember, wherein I am 9 months pregnant with Steven Tyler's baby, living communally with him and the rest of Aerosmith and starting to Yoko Ono the band...

Last night, I dreamt that I was being chased by a dead, devil baby, who was accompanied by a demon-angel (something like Galadriel when Frodo offers her the Ring, from LOTR movie). I woke at 1 in the morning, saying "help, help" over and over. By husband was sleeping in another room, due to a cold, and I was almost too afraid to go to the bathroom.

NOW---what does that tell you? All I know is that I want to go back to the Steven Tyler dream.

I am not sure where all the demon-dreams are coming from. Yes, it is a difficult thing to lead a life without your only child, but why on earth would I start having this series of traumatic dreams over a year after the initial traumatic event. Whew.

Due to the weirdness of said dreams, I just had to write it down. I am not sure what else to do about it. I hope that my dreams take a turn for the entertaining and leave this realm of horror.

I want to respond to the very kind comment that was left for me by sue flaska. I appreciate your sentiments and wanted to rephrase your mantra, "this, too, shall pass", in a way that I feel is reflective of my understanding of the process that I am living through.

I choose to understand my grieving process as something that I will live with for the rest of my life. So, in that sense, what I am experiencing will NOT pass. However, I do believe that, as time passes, my grief and I will reach some point of reconciliation. As each day and experience passes, I get a little better at living with my grief. I really think that this is the sentiment that you meant to share with me, and I appreciate that you would share your warmth and kindness, despite the randomness of your finding my blog. I am constantly amazed at the human spirit, that reaches out to each other across continents and the world-wide-web, to offer what we can of comfort and consolation to each other.

I have a lot more to say on a lot of issues. Just to build excitement for the coming posts, topic will include Annoying People, Hiding All Traces of Trying to Conceive from the Masses, and Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret.

Till then.

1 comment:

Sue Flaska said...

Ah you wise wise writter of the english language. You said it WAY better that I. In no way did I mean the feelings would disappear, I have to say that the news of my miscarriage still trumps the diagnosis of my cancer. The song "Arms Wide Open" usually triggers tears, but now, in looking back, I believe that baby saved my life. I would never had found the lump if I hadn't lost Casey. Keep on keeping on.