When I watch a Birth Story reality show on TV I always hope the baby will die.
There. I've said it.
Then, in the grocery store - We all say that, when we look at pregnant people, the pain that we feel is pain for our loss and has nothing to do with the baby. We don't want their baby to die, we just are sad that our baby did.
Sometimes, not always, I do hope for that baby to die.
I am going to make a half-assed attempt at defending myself:
- When I am watching TV, I don't really relate to the people there. They are sweet, with lovely little lives, and POP! they have a new baby. It is a false environment that does not lead me to empathize with them in any way.
- If we are talking Celebrity Baby, then I think of what it would do for families of stillborn babies if we had a Brooke Shields. Someone who carried their baby to term, had a perfect pregnancy and perfect care, and still had the baby die. Someone who the media would listen to and who would become active in educating the public about stillbirth. (though I would never want Tom Cruise or B.Spears as a stillbirth spokesperson...)
- I am jealous.
- I want people to know what I am dealing with every day, and the only way for them to truly know is to live it.
- If more people had babies die, then maybe it wouldn't be such a scary thing for me to talk about my dead baby.
- I don't know why I feel this emotion, I just feel it.
I am sorry that I am such a small person. What kind of horrible human being hopes for another human being to die? And I guess that when I dig underneath all of the jealousy and pain, and think about what it would really be like for the person I am envious of to lose their baby, I probably might not really mean it.
Not much else to say here. I hope I grow out of this smallness as my life goes along. Don't know if I will. This is the ugly, ugly, side of my grief. Which is why this blog is annonymous. So I can say the ugly things without personal retaliation and looks of incredulity and horror.
So, thanks for reading. Nice to know you...now off you go and find someone without such a small little soul.