- escapade with Old Acquaintance.
- professional meeting with someone where I was in over my head.
- the sight of someone at work wearing her 1 month old in a cute BabyBjorn carrier on her chest. Recalling the weight and smell of my son. Desperate desire for that type of intimate moment.
- professional luncheon with someone where I was in over my head (this is getting to be a daily problem).
- professional luncheon with an old acquaintance (I sat at the other end of the room).
- noticing that the aforementioned baby-wearer has lost all of her baby weight (hey, when you actually have a baby to carry around and breastfeed, the weight loss is pretty easy).
Stop messing with my routine.
And in other news ----
I am in a funk. Depression? Laziness? Funkiness. I am tired of funkiness.
I also question my work-related feelings of inadequacy. I am relatively "new" to my field, but do have 6 years of experience. How much of this "I am in over my head" feeling is a reaction to the actual work-load that I face, and how much of it is a transferring of "I can't get pregnant, and even when I do I can't do that right" (note the tendency towards hyperbole I have when I am feeling funky).
Changing topics; I finished reading a year's worth of posts in the blog I mentioned previously. Here are the things that I learned from deadbabymama:
- I prefer the phrase "My son is dead" to "My son died" - the active voice.
- Canadians talk about Canadiana a lot (a.k.a. It Isn't Just Me).
- The word "reconciliation" can be applied to coming to terms with grief - better than "healing" or "resolution".
- It is the little things that hurt.
- Massive mood swings are normal.
- Other people mentally plan funerals.
- Take Your Kids To Work Day is only fun for the parents of the living.
- The Truth resonates.
OK, some of those things I already knew. You don't grieve for a year without learning something! I appreciate the validation of my experience when I read someone else's similar interpretation.