?????

Here is an interesting thought:

What if my diminished relationship with God has more to do with my disastrous relationship with my mother (who I can't trust emotionally) than with God?

The person who asked me that question has blown my mind - and left me with a lot to think about.

Return to sender

Please Note:

The PO Box that I aquired before BB was born will no longer be mine come Saturday. Just so you know...

:)

Can you help promote?

First of all, I really want to thank all of the wonderful women that are helping to establish the Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Blog Directory, especially kate, Julian's Mom, and msfitzita.

Several of you have offered to become contributors - Thank You! I am hoping that once we get things established, we can have guest contributors that post to the site on a montly basis. Please know that if you've offered, we will eventually contact you.

Please, if you could, it would be a great help if you did a wee bit of advertising on your blog to promote this resource. These types of things are always organic in nature - you never know who will use them. But a little bit of promotion would go a long way to make this a helpful gathering place for our community.

Scrambled Brains

I am F'd up. My younger cousin was 3 days past her due date. I was freaking out. Post-date pregnancies are horrifying to me, even though I've never been there. I know the statistics.

The baby arrived safely on Saturday. For which I am grateful. However, relief quickly turned to jealousy and envy. I am resentful that she gets to keep her first baby and I did not.

Nothing I can do to change that set of conflicting, opposite emotions. But I feel those two parts of my psyche warring against each other and it makes me feel like a lunatic.

Goodbye and Good Riddance

The summer after C. was born, I threw myself into redoing my front yard. Most of the plants I installed were chosen for a sentimental reason. Like the phlox that was named "Baby Eyes".

I took much of my inspiration from my neighbour (who lost a child to CF). This neighbour had a beautiful Memory Garden and a beautiful home. During that time they moved away.

A young family moved in. They had a 6 month old. When I worked in my garden I could hear the baby cry. It cut me to the soul. I hated that family.

In a bid to try NOT to hate them, we walked over and introduced ourselves when they were out in the yard one evening. I asked what they were going to do with the yard, since it wasn't child friendly. They didn't know. I told them that I would remove the plants for them if they decided they didn't want them.

This summer they tore out the Memory Garden. Everything went to the dump, including the incredibly expensive cedar fence. It made me sick for SO many reasons. They have, in effect, destroyed any of the charm that their property had.

Today Century 21 came and put up a sign on their lawn. They won't be missed.

Not so easy

This makes me crazy. We asked and asked and asked for ultrasounds to determine the location of BB's cord in utero and all we got were blank stares. The u/s tech told us that she couldn't do it on her machine and that we couldn't just ask her to look for cord location. Our doctor would have to tell her to look for it on the ultrasound requisition.

When we asked our doctor to write said requisition, all she put was "check cord". So the u/s tech would do the Doppler flow and that was it. It was a never-ending cycle of insanity. I finally gave up.

BB was born with 2 loose loops of cord around his neck. Thanks for helping us manage that risk.

Things that OBs and u/s techs believe:

• umbilical cord accidents don't repeat (not true)
• you can't track umbilical cords with ultrasound (not true)
• you shouldn't listen to the patient when she is telling you to check for something (ridiculous - who did more research into cord accidents, my OB or me?)

At the end of this CTV piece, the couple urges pregnant women to ask for a scan for vasa previa. Um, actually, it won't be that easy. Trust me, I made myself sick over asking for "location of cord" scans and NOBODY helped me with that.

Unless the local health district makes vasa previa screening a mandatory part of it's obstetrical ultrasound protocol and then trains it's ultrasound techs, it ain't gonna happen.

Here we go...

Okay. I have set up a blog for listing Babyloss blogs and for posting helpful resources. My goal is to have a central location for our community to share information and to be a starting point for someone who is journeying this terrible path.

http://babylossdirectory.blogspot.com/

Anyone out there smart enough about these things to create some custom graphics for us?

Please check out the site. If you would like to list your blog, please contact one of the Contributors listed on the sidebar. If you are interested in becoming a contributor, please let me know.

I have an idea

So I was lying awake (can you believe that I am sleepless sometimes despite brain numbing tiredness???), and it came to me: as far as I know, there is no easy way for someone who has just experienced the loss of a baby to find other blogs about miscarriage, stillbirth, and/or infant death.

So here is my idea: start a Babyloss Directory blog. The left sidebar could host a blogroll of anyone who wants to be listed. The right sidebar could list helpful resources, like websites and books dealing with Babyloss. The posts could be a place to list new releases, medical journal articles, upcoming television shows, etc.

I would start this blog and ask for volunteers to help maintain it (especially someone with more technical knowledge than I have!).

My question is this: is this a good idea? Or is it redundant? Does something like this already exist?

As Frank Barone would say: "Holy Crap!"

Oprah is doing a show on loss of a baby. Wait, was that a pig flying by?

https://www.oprah.com/plugger/templates/BeOnTheShow.jhtml?
action=respond&plugId=256500001

You should see my celebratory dance - it's pretty cool!

Hoping this starts something

http://www.theage.com.au/articles/2007/03/17/
1174080223513.html

I have no opinion on whether or not negligence was involved in this particular stillbirth case, however, if it became a worldwide standard for a coroner's inquest to happen in all cases of stillbirth, well, I would probably cry for joy.

I am tired of being ignored.

Tough one

2 month immunizations - CHECK.
Mommy and Daddy nearly cried, too - CHECK
Our little love crying harder than he ever has before - CHECK
Mommy whipping out a booby to make him feel better - CHECK

Why, oh why, can't they put all of the vaccine in one syringe? Poor little dude has two holes in his legs :(

Book List

I just read and would recommend:

The Great Gatsby - F. Scott Fitzgerald
Piece of Work - Laura Zigman
Anil's Ghost - Michael Ondaatje

Listening to The Notebook (N. Sparks) on CD. Almost to the end. Enjoying, but not sure what the huge deal is/was.

Comments?

Obsessing over the details

I have been mulling a number of things over for a while now, waiting for the oppertunity to write a decent post.

First: whether or not to try for another child.

I know I already lamented the insanity of the world around me that is already making comments about "the next one". But the thought is rather consuming. In that, if I were to make a final and permanent decision that we would NOT try another pregnancy, there is a whole lot of housecleaning that I could do. Pass on BB's newborn duds, my maternity clothes, etc. And it would actually allow me to visualize what our family's future might look like.

But I have to admit that I am totally undecided on the issue. When I am completely truthful with myself, I think that we probably will try to have another living child. I feel like we owe it to BB to have a sibling in the house that he can grow up with (rather than just a gravesite that he can visit). For him, I think that I could take the chance again. For myself, I don't think I could.

Going into our pregnancy with C., it was all about us: taking our two lives and combining them in a way that was our legacy. A child that would meld us into a family, two souls combined. All of that romantic kind of thought. Going into BB's pregnancy, it was more about desperation that we would never experience the joy of raising a child in our house. It wouldn't cancel out any of the tears that we continue to cry for C, but it would bring its own unique joy - to be able to raise a child.

Why would be the purpose of a third pregnancy? Assuming that it would result in a live birth (!), it could only possibly be for BB. And for FutureKid. So that they would have each other. I can't imagine my life without my siblings (rose coloured glasses blinding me to all the times I could have strangled them...). Theoretically, BB and FutureKid would be there for each other when we no longer could be.

I tried to explain a little of this to my parents recently. Since they were amoung the people who were teasing us about having another baby. All I really wanted for a response was an affirmation that they understood that it was our decision to make and that they would support us in whatever we chose to do. Instead, I was assured that I would change my mind and have more children (so easy, right? just decide and it happens) and that they were told they shouldn't have more after I was born and that it was too important to them, so they did anyways. Not once did they validate what I had expressed - that I currently didn't anticipate ever going through another pregnancy.

My relationship with my mother has been poor (to put it mildly) for months. This doesn't help things. She begs me to share my emotions with her, then she discredits them when I do. Remind me not to fall for that anymore.


Secondly: oh, the griefs we can grieve

I spend hours, sometimes, staring at BB. Memorizing all the unique things that make him who he is. I wish that I could say that my thoughts are about him alone. But much of my time is also spent wondering if any of his traits are similar to what his brother's might have been. Would C. have gotten the hiccups so often? would they have had similar temperments? did C. have his grandma's tounge and his dad's toes, too?

There were so many physical aspects of C. that we just didn't know to look for. We remember that he did have attached earlobes, but what were his toenails like? His lips were like mine - would he have looked like me when he smiled (BB does, a little)?

And what would he have been like with his little brother? Born almost two years apart, exactly. Would he have been tired of the noisy little being that was taking all of his mom's attention?

My thoughts drift to C. more and more - yet he feels so far away from us. That distance seems to have increased exponentially in the last two months. And that surely hurts.


------

BB goes for his first immunizations tomorrow. How hard that will be on the Mommy and the Daddy! He will get booby whenever he asks tomorrow, that's for sure.

BTW, any suggestions for dealing with an overactive milk-ejection reflex? I spray milk down his throat, he chokes and tries to pull away without letting go of my nipple. OOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!! Current techniques include: nursing laying back in a recliner, taking him off and expressing when he starts to choke, making sure he is sitting up when he nurses. Any other ideas?

Thanks for sharing your experiences with the dreaded # of children question. It always helps when I compare notes. Makes me feel normal, a little.

And thanks for reading this - assuming anyone still reads!

P.S. I bet you didn't know that Barenaked Ladies have a song about grieving...

Road Trip

We did our first big roadtrip to visit relative this week. A 500 kilometer trip that would normally take just over 5 hours to drive. We did it in a mere 10 (!) hours. Including travelling 50 kilometers in the wrong direction and a flat tire that had to be replaced at midnight at an afterhours tire shop (thank god for CAA).

I was going to write a really long post but it is 16 degrees C out there. We have summer days that aren't this warm! I am putting BB in the stroller and we are hitting the pavement!

Can you believe it?

So, remember when my GP referred me to the only RE in our area? The letter arrived in the mail this week. My appointment to see this RE is scheduled for the end of JUNE. Yes, well, my son will be 6 months old by then.

Any Canadian readers will have heard about the wait lists in our medical system ad-nauseaum. Other readers - how's that for prompt consultation? Typical of free health care, I'm afraid.

I am saving the letter. Maybe to show BB some day. To think: if we were still waiting to see the RE, we would have spent over two years "trying" without even a consultation.

One more reason that I give thanks for BB every day. Our chance.

Tomorrow I will call and cancel and open up my spot on the list.

Who knows where it comes from?

I have to admit that I was secretly patting myself on the back. Looks like I did some great grief-work in the past two years: I was handling the mommy thing really well. And the time I was spending with BB wasn't making me mourn for C. any more than a trip to the grocery store might. Nope, no "re-grieving" for me.

Apparently, it was just delayed. Delayed until the moment when I ran out of clean, fancy sleepers for BB. And I reached into the back of the drawer and pulled out one of the ones I bought for C. Now, BB wears his brother's hand-me-downs every day. No big deal, right? And this sleep is kind of ugly - ugly colours and pattern. I only bought it because it was gender neutral and on sale. I put it on BB. And I started to cry.

As ugly as it is, it is warm and it is snugly. When I pick up BB in it, he cuddles in to my chest. And I didn't get to do that with C. Not once. The sleeper that he never wore.

That was last night. Today, when BB was happily playing with me on couch, I had this overwhelming feeling that C. was jealous and that I shouldn't be playing so happily with BB. And I felt guilty. Then I felt guilty for feeling guilty. I think it is hard enough for a mom to balance her love between two living children - at least you can make some attempt to explain to the older one that you still love him, even though the younger is getting your attention right now. You can't do that when your oldest is dead.

So there you have it. Not so care-free. The emotions that I expected, but thought I had dodged, are there after all. I love BB. I love C. I miss my oldest and feel guilty that I am torn between him and my youngest.

Not much to do about it other than ride it out. It's all more complicated all the time, isn't it?



P.S. For those who have gone on to have a subsequent baby, how do you answer questions about your kids? I am trying to prepare an answer to those questions so that I am not caught off guard when they come.

Ol' Leaky Boobs

Someone smells like milk and I think its me.

Time for a shower?


Now, back to our regularly scheduled book recommendations (see below).

I read when I feed

I hate TV. In a bid to not watch it, I am rediscovering my local library. I am again looking for novel recommendations. I have exhausted the list in the sidebar, as far as my library is concerned. And I am trying to buy fewer books - I am a book addict.

So, the criteria? Good novels. Not really into thrillers or mysteries much. I like British humour. I love a good romance (if not too gaggy, if you know what I mean).

Current items on hold at my library (on your recommendation):

Blinding light
by Theroux, Paul.

Piece of work
by Zigman, Laura.

Wish you were here
by Brown, Rita Mae.

Whew...

Had a rough few nights there... I think BB may have been hitting a growth spurt. A normally happy baby became fussy and hungry all the time. Last night was much better, with BB sleeping for about 5 1/2 hours. What a relief - I feel like a new person.

BB is gaining really well - about 3/4 lb a week. He is approaching the 11 lb mark. I have a friend whose preemie is 6 months old and 14 lbs. BB will catch up to that quickly!

The weirdest thing is this - when he is fussy, the best way to calm him is by playing loud techno music. Actually, anything with a strong beat. Then we dance to the beat with him, or even rock in the rocking chair, and he will usually fall asleep immediately. What a weird kid!

-----

I went out to buy envelopes and, of course, BB woke up and decided he was ravenously hungry when we were standing in line to pay. When I got to the front of the line, I was a little on edge - he was in full out wailing mode at that point. The check-out girl gushed and asked all the typical questions. Then she said, "So do you just have the one?"

I answered yes. Whenever anyone asks how many I have, I always include C. But, I looked at the semantics of the question this time. I only have BB. I don't have C. - that's the crux of the thing. That's what I grieve for every day. So I was annoyed that I was asked the question (why is it any of her business - yes, yes, she is being "nice" and chatty). But I didn't feel guilty about not mentioning C. Because I don't have him. I had him.

And isn't that the saddest part of it all?

Off my chest...

Okay, life is great. I am sleep deprived and stupid, but BB is the most wonderful child ever born. So, no real complaints.

I am thinking about a lot of stuff (3 a.m. feedings will do that to you). So I am going to try and get them out of my brain, hopefully quickly while BB sleeps.

-----
Laugh now - I thought that I would be able to do more while BB slept. HA HA HA! I bet every woman fools herself into that. BB is an excellent sleeper - I can't even imagine life with colic.

------
I just got an email from work. It seems as though my department will be undergoing an audit in the coming months - I won't be there, hooray! However, I noticed that the resumes of the auditors were attached and one was that of a person I went to school with. So, curious, I looked at it. It seems as though I am listed as a reference. No, I was never asked. No, I would not give her a reference, if asked. I am furious.

My anger goes further than this issue. We were once friends. That ended 2 years, one month, and one week ago. When this person heard through the grapevine that C. had died and she decided SHE needed to inform everyone that I went to school with. She sent an email out to a mailing list of people informing them of our "news". The information was incorrect. One of my real friends received it, and sent a correction email, after informing me of what had happened.

This woman sent the email for one reason only - for the GLORY of delivering bad news. She was showing off. It made her look like she was a caring person involved in my life (not true). I have not spoken to her even ONCE since C. was born. Yep - she is a bitch and I hate her. She is not caring or empathetic, she is just a gossip.

This burns at me every time I think of her. I think about all sorts of horrible things to say to her, if I ever am in the same room as her again. I know too much about her past - I am armed with all sorts of horrible knowledge that I could use against her. I don't think that I would be a big enough person to pass up the opportunity of hurting her the way she hurt me. Or at least, trying to hurt her that badly.

Sadly, we were close once. Good thing I won't have to attend this audit.

-----
I find myself sitting feeding in the middle of the night, thinking through all the intimate details of C.'s death and the immediate aftermath. Planning the funeral. What it felt like to push him out. What it felt like to hold him in my arms. It just washes over me.

I don't have the mental energy to devote to my grieving, so it hides around corners and blindsides me. And I essentially missed C's birthday, what with being in labour and all. I don't regret that. Did I mention that BB's umbilical cord was wrapped (loosely, mind you) around his neck? Yeah. Glad we stuck to the plan of early induction. Very glad that the nurses delayed upping the pitocin so that BB was born the day after his brother's birthday. Still, I wish that I had been able to devote my mind and energy to marking that day for C. Though, when that line turned pink in May, we knew that our January was going to be very different. I look forward to BB joining us in next year's celebration of that day.

----
Things with my mother have improved slightly. There are things in her own life that she is starting to deal with, so the stress is a little less for her. Nonetheless, I have to deal with pussyfooting around her "feelings" all the time. I hurt her all the time, because I am so insensitive. Frankly, my patience for her is wearing thin. I am used to treading softly around her - that has been our relationship for my whole life. However, the more I think about it, the more I think that SHE should be somewhat respectful of the stress and hormones and fear that I have dealt with through this subsequent pregnancy. And she just doesn't get it. She thinks that I should have confided in her, basically since C. died. Reminding myself that she is one of the worst offenders when it comes to telling me that my grief responses are inappropriate and that I should "get over it" or "cut people some slack" when they say hurtful things. Yeah. She has never been and will never be my confidante.

The good news is that she hasn't made any disturbing phone calls recently. The bad news is that I doubt that much more time will pass before that call does come.

----
I am so late on this Dear Abby thing. I am sure, from reading blogs and message boards, etc. that Ms. Abby understands our point of view. Frankly, if it is okay for people to have photos of their kids in their cubes, then it is okay for ANY of their kids. Policy has to apply equally to all. Living kids okay? Then dead kids okay, too. Besides, the idiot who wrote the letter was obviously totally self-involved, even though she claimed to understand that the woman "felt sad".

Since I didn't write to Abby, I want to congratulate all of you who did.

----
I hate TV. I watch it while I feed BB. Why? It sucks. So I watched Love Actually the other day on DVD instead. Seen it lately? If no, then rent it. I cried the whole time because there was so much beauty in it.

----
I have to decide if I am going to my high school reunion. God. It just terrifies me. How many kids do you have? Is this your first? From the 60 other people I graduated with, which feels like about a million years ago. And, frankly, it is still all a popularity contest, isn't it? You can live your life as a normal adult human being when you are living your life, but go back to high school? It's going to be who is successful, who is fat, who is happy, who is gay, etc. There are a few people that I would love to see. But the deadbaby specter that I live with adds a dimension of fear to this decision that I am not sure that I want to face.

----
We took BB to church today for the first time. He was quite the rock star. The average age of our congregation is probably 70, so all the Oldies are totally enamoured by him. Besides the fact that he is totally amazing.

There were kids there from a local bible college who asked to see him. They asked if he was our first, I said no. They didn't ask the typical follow-up questions, so they didn't get the deadbaby answer they weren't expecting. They don't know how lucky they were to sidestep that one, hey?

----

So there you have it. All the stuff bouncing in my head. Now, I am thrilled to go deal with some poopie.