The Final Piece

Well, friends, I suppose it is time to acknowledge what is happening here. Or should I say, what is not happening here.

When I came to this space, I was still ringing with the pain of loss. Ever fibre and nerve in my body was vibrating with missing him. I ate, breathed, slept pain. It was everything.

I wrote here in order to skim off the worst of it and put it somewhere it could be contained and confined. Somewhere it couldn't hurt me anymore. Somewhere I could read a response that said "Yes, I know. It is terrible and unbelievable and unjust and I'm sorry".

When I came here, I didn't have real friends anymore. I couldn't. They didn't know. They couldn't help me. Some of them even hurt me.

Then I started to write here, and I made a place for me in the pain. Some of you came with me to that place, some of you were already there and shared a spot beside you. It was amazing to have that connection with people who I didn't know, but who I knew so intimately.

Thank you.

Today, my days are filled with the "why???" and "can I??" and "come play" of the three year old. My nights are broken with that exhausting, but all-too-soon-over cry of the hungry infant. And five long, troubled, joyous years have passed. I now vibrate with life instead of death.

To say that I don't need you anymore would be wrong. I do need you, but in a different way. It is enough now to know that you walked with me along this path of grief. It is enough now to know that you are out there walking still.

There is something satisfying about where I am now. I have a son who was born 2 years and 3 hours after his brother, barely missing a shared birthday. I have a daughter who was born exactly 6 years to the day after her oldest brother was conceived. We look to the future.

I know now how I will be living with this thing called grief. It sits lightly on my shoulders, always present but not always acknowledged. Today I can bear the weight of it.

Each year, I will walk in memory of my boy. Each time I do, I will light a candle for your babies, too. Know that I think of them.

I didn't think I would want to say goodbye, but I do.

Goodbye.

Thank you.

For Sale

I am selling the baby things as they are outgrown. It hurts. I have always scoffed at the saccharine, emotional tears that moms shed when their children outgrow there things. Now, here I am, tearing up over every little item. We need to get rid of this stuff and we need the money that we will make by selling it. It is just so real. We are done having kids. That is such a loaded statement. I have no idea how to convey to you what that statement does to my soul. I guess I won't try.

So, in the spirit of selling things, does anyone need (or know someone who needs) a Doppler? I have one for sale. I would love to know that it would be helpful in giving another loss-Mama some peace of mind. Includes 2 extra tubes of gel, $85 Canadian, plus whatever the cost for shipping. Email me for details.

See? I can do it. I just don't have to like it.

What happened

So here we are. I am done procreating. I am at the same time thrilled and saddened by that thought. It's bittersweet.

We were scheduled to be induced on May 1st. My water broke spontaneously around noon on April 30. So off we went to L&D, where nothing happened. I sat and knit for 4 hours. Then my OB decided that sitting around was silly, so started to augment with oxytocin. I slowly dilated. At around 9 or 10ish I got my epidural, which seemed to destroy the pattern and intensity of my contractions. So, they turned down the epidural (ouch) and turned up the oxytocin (double ouch). Around midnight, I was about 9 cm, then 9 1/2, then got stuck. The nurse thought the last bit would go faster, so I had my legs up in the stirrups for a long time. She kept asking if I had the urge to push, and I never did. I finally got fed up with waiting (it hurt!) and told her I wanted to push. After a couple of false starts, I pushed 3 times and she was out.

It wasn't all rosy. We couldn't track her heart rate with the external, so had to do an internal monitor on her scalp. Then, towards the end, she started to have decels (down to about 90 bpm) occasionally during contractions. The decels were infrequent, but scary. My husband tells me that the cord was around her neck when she was born (slipped off easily). She had to be suctioned and was a little quiet at first (no idea what her APGARS were, they didn't say...). Then all was perfect.

I am so happy. She is wonderful. It's been really easy, so far (as easy as life with a newborn could be, that is...).

People have asked me if it has been hard to go from one to two kids to care for. I haven't found it really hard. It takes more effort, obviously, and life is busier, but it hasn't been overwhelming. It was way more overwhelming to go from "mother of dead baby, caretaker of tombstone, waterer of memory garden" to "mother of live baby with needs". My expectations of what it would like to be a parent had to go through a major shift from the day I married my husband, to burying our first child, to bringing home our second. This change is SO minor in comparison to all that.

Also, I am having small struggles with all the "perfect family" comments. Boy and girl, one of each. Honestly, if C. had lived, and if we had BB subsequent to that, we would probably not have tried for a girl. I think both of us only ever wanted two kids, potentially only one kid, and three would never have been something we tried for. So, for us, if things had gone "perfectly", we would have two boys. Our family will never be "perfect". We can't call it perfection when one family member is gone forever. But, I will admit, it is as near to perfection as we can possibly hope for in the life we lead now.

So that's where I am today.

It's a girl!!

Born May 1st, @ 2:22 a.m. Will post more soon. Sooooo tired. Sooooo happy.

Post 38w

My OB stripped my membranes on Tuesday. I have had hours-long stretches of contractions here and there, but no real labour. Due to the small size of our L&D ward (3 beds), I have to wait until the weekend for the possibility of induction. Basically, there are people in line ahead of me and I have to wait my turn.

If it's your type of thing, please say a few prayers that I will go into labour ASAP. Though I don't actually like the idea of spontaneous labour, I would rather that than waiting much longer.

Today, this baby is the same gestational age as C. was. It's going to be a long day.

37 weeks, 3 days

I don't like this gestational age. Why? Because we creep ever closer to 38 weeks, 3 days, which is my personal time-bomb. C. was okay right up to 38w2d. Before that, there was discussion of induction due to slightly odd BPPs. We didn't do it. He died.

Not that I am going crazy here. But there is still no firm plan. My OB is going to check me early next week. He said he would prefer to use prosteglandin, made mention of stripping membranes, doesn't want to push things. I hope to God that by the middle of next week we are either done or in the middle of labour. Next Wednesday is my personal scary day. Please don't make me wait....

I don't like the lack of firm plan, though I understand that my OB is just trying to gently nudge my body into labour instead of trying a cold start. I just wish I could comfort myself by saying "Only ___ more days, you can make it only ____ more days..."

On the other hand, the baby's blanket will not be ready in time. Each day more brings me closer to at least being half-done.

So ready for this to be over.

36 weeks, 3 days

I woke this morning feeling wrong. At 4 a.m. I felt slightly nauseous, bloated, and had an off-and-on backache, with maybe 2-3 contractions per hour. It hasn't turned into anything, but I feel the type of pressure in my bottom parts that is reminiscent of how I remember dilation feeling. So I am confident that I am not in real labour, but that I might get lucky and go into real labour in the next week or so.

Please don't remind me that women can experience false labour and dilation for 3 weeks before going into real labour. I am trying hard not to remember that.

What is a little hard to separate is that my only experience with "natural" labour was with C. So I distrust my body. I am just very, very grateful that this baby is very active, and seems to move every time I get a little anxious. A very reassuring little baby.

I just don't like this end part.