Thoughts

Though I have miles to go before actually panicking, I am paying attention to movement again, having daily/hourly swings between "Is this too much movement?" and "Why isn't there movement?" I don't expect much mental improvement on that front.

Our Christmas was good. Our annual trip to the cemetery was hard. It is always so bloody cold out there in these winter months, especially on Christmas and C's birthday. It is inevitable. We can never stay long, and I always feel guilty. I also narrowly avoided falling totally apart, which I don't feel at liberty to do on BB's Christmas morning. In so many ways, parenting C has become something that is increasingly impossible.

I cannot comprehend that C's fifth birthday is approaching. It makes my mind reel.

So much of my day is consumed by the tasks of running our household and other mundane concerns. I just don't really know how C fits into all of that anymore. I think of him every day, but in passing. There is part of me that misses that old familiar ache of dwelling on the loss of him.

Half Way

We marked the beginning of week 20 yesterday, on the first official day of winter, the shortest day of the year. I don't know why that pleases me so much, but it does. Maybe a little magical thinking... as daylight increases, it brings us ever closer to the beauty that awaits us in the spring.

Winter is a time that means pregnancy to me. To know that this pregnancy should end when trees are budding and grass is green is almost confusing to me. A time of joy, instead of pain or fear. I am not sorry to have this new set of expectations.

As time draws us steadily nearer to C's fifth birthday, I can almost taste how much these years have changed me. I am not the person I was, nor am I the person I have been. I am different again. And I think it is good.

Obstetric Report

Doesn't that sound official?

We had our first visit with our OB this week. It was great. He's from South Africa, so has a great accent and quirky sense of humour. He has this really white complexion and wild, curly black hair, so is kind of cartoonish in appearance. He made jokes and knew our history. I felt completely comfortable.

What was very new for us was the fact that this OB has an ultrasound machine he uses for each prenatal visit. Maybe you are from a larger city where this sort of thing is normal, so I'll tell you that it is NOT normal for our small city. In fact, our population is so small that we have had difficulty at times keeping OBs in town. When BB was born, there was only one OB in town, who was only on call every other week! We opted to deliver in a near-by larger city, just for that reason.

So to see an OB, with an ultrasound machine... well, it was my version of Nirvana. It was such a treat to have him show us everything as he went along, explaining everything - what he was looking for, what the implications were, how he thought it all looked "perfect". No dealing with a sullen tech, who gets irritated if you ask questions ("I can't answer that - only the radiologist can interpret the ultrasound!"). No waiting a week for the results to be faxed to my doctor and having to go in for an appointment to see her, inevitably waiting the extra hour she is running behind. It was bliss-tastic.

BB is really into the whole idea of us having a baby. I can't help but feel I am setting him up for the worst by letting him be excited, but I am forcing that sensation away each time I think of it. I want a normal pregnancy, the kind normal people have. The kind where older brothers can kiss bellies and sing songs to the baby and the Mommy just enjoys the early bonding without worrying about the worst. And I am almost there.